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AutonomyBoy

Autonomy Boy, you're so naive.

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Mixtapes for Hookers

Because who wants to listen to all that moaning?

• Sunday News (2/7/10) [View | Hide]

  You can read a lot by reading sex advice columns in other countries’ newspapers.  Check out Question 5 in the “Ask The Sexpert” section of the Bangalore Mirror, for instance. The guy that made Caligula claims he’s going to make the first 3-D porn movie.  Which is sort of funny, because I was pretty sure that had been done already… Is Jedward featuring Vanilla Ice an early shoo-in in the the worst song of 2010 race? Well, they would be, except for the mind-numbing all-star cover of Everybody Hurts that Simon Cowell assembled to raise money for Haiti.  Which is surely the worst song of 2010, right? Well, no, because Train are still popular.  And while it’s nice to hear a pro-chest hair song on the radio, it would be nice if that song wasn’t the worst song imaginable.  Because Hey Soul Sister really is the worst song imaginable, isn’t it? Well, it was, until the horrible depths of imagination were expanded to shocking and terrible new lows by Alice, Avril Lavigne’s contribution to the soundtrack of Tim Burton’s Alice In Wonderland movie.  HOLY FUCKING CRAP I seriously don’t know if  I have ever, EVER heard a song this terrible before. Susie Bright wants you to call her.  (She doesn’t want to talk to you, though.) The Sex Bloggers’ Calendar is going national in 2011.  If you’ve got a sexy blog, perhaps you might want to know more about it. Is NBC trying to pretend that Conan O’Brien never existed? The SF Appeal on how to photograph yourself naked.  I actually don’t agree with most of this, especially the part about trimming your pubes to make your dick look bigger.  But, you know, the world is stupid that way. Carnal Nation has Myths About Profile Pictures from online personal ads.  (With graphs!) As for what I wrote on Carnal Nation this week, I covered the new “abstinence plus” education that may be coming to Mississippi, tne Enquirer’s odds of getting a Pulitzer for their coverage of the John Edwards scandal, and the ex-gay propaganda that got passed out to Maryland public high school students with their report cards. Finally, if any of you happen to be collectors of GI Joe memorablia and are going to be passing through Providence this spring, I kind of want to meet you. \ [image: Beatles fans at Buckingham Palace]

• Pop Chart’s On At 10am Eastern (2/7/10) [View | Hide]

  Your little weekly reminder that I’m counting down my 40 favorite singles of the week here starting in about 20 minutes.  You can catch up on last week’s chart here.

• Happy Weekend! (2/5/10) [View | Hide]

  I’m going to be working all weekend, actually.  Covering the Carnal Nation beat, helping people move stuff, seeing my grandparents’ house for maybe the last time, putting on a Pop Chart, and working on that Super Secret Project that I’m still not talking about. But tonight I’m going to celebrate the fact that this weekend of illness and funerals is over!  Or, not really, because I’m still kinda sick and my plan for tonight is to see an apparently very harrowing play about suicidal depression.  But for some reason, party music keeps running through my head.  So here’s some Sin With Sebastian for you; this song was apparently very huge in Europe in 1995, although I didn’t know it until I saw it in the “related videos” sidebar when I was on one of my Army Of Lovers Youtube binges.

• Your Semen, Your Self (2/5/10) [View | Hide]

  (click for the whole poster) I’m mainly amazed by the idea of someone ejaculating eighteen feet.  In exceptional circumstances I can go maybe five feet (NB: I have terrible aim) but the idea of making it three-and-a-half times that far is insane to me.  Also, where did this happen and who measured it and what were the circumstances?  Was a team from Guinness there with a tape measure?  Did this happen in a really long banquet hall?  Had the man eaten only lettuce for days beforehand?  Was he watching Cinemax?  Enquiring minds want to know. [via Buzzfeed]

• Makin’ Eyes At The Girls Like Bullfrogs (2/4/10) [View | Hide]

  I don’t know why, but I just got out of a rather intense afternoon-long meeting and suddenly felt the urge to listen to the Cruel Intentions Soundtrack.  Though definitely a product of its era (also my senior year of high school) it is an awesome compilation and excellent companion to the awesome Dangerous Liaisons-inspired film.  And even the Counting Crows song is pretty tolerable! Marcy Playground always seemed kinda skeezy to me–and Sex And Candy was fucking everywhere for like a full year–but one of my favorite songs on the Cruel Intentions soundtrack is their stompy blues-rock song Comin’ Up From Behind.  The song was written by Sherry Fraser, the high school girlfriend of Marcy Playground singer John Wozniak.  The third single off Marcy Playground’s self-titled debut was actually called Sherry Fraser, and she performed the song with her own band, Two Ton Boa, who were signed to Kill Rock Stars and therefore by default considerably cooler than her stoner ex ever was. The Cruel Intentions soundtrack also featured lots of other hits, some of which had been previously released or which were on albums that were about to be released: The Verve’s Bittersweet Symphony, Fatboy Slim’s Praise You, Aimee Mann’s You Could Make A Killing, Placebo’s Every You Every Me, Blur’s Coffee & TV…  But my favorite song of all might be the other stompy blues-rock number, after the jump: Bare Jr.’s You Blew Me Off is almost comically dumb, but it’s also totally awesome. (Incidentally, I didn’t actually know who Mohinder and Sylar were until I just Googled them.)

• New Myths About Abstinence-Only Education And Why Baby Jesus Is Banned From Prisons (2/4/10) [View | Hide]

  I spent much of yesterday bemoaning the stupid nitwit who wrote the crappy New York Post piece about the gigolo man. So I thought I would spend today praising two other writers who actually did a good job this week: There’s been kind of a silly little media frenzy over the past few days about the results of a government-funded study claiming that abstinence-only education actually works. Parenting writer Lylah M. Alphonse at the Boston Globe has a really good response to all the reasons why this is not true, and why people are distorting the study in all kinds of crazy ways. (ie. Telling sixth-graders to wait “until they are ready” is not the same as telling teens to wait until marriage.) Also, Eric Dexheimer at the Austin American-Statesman deserves some kind of journalism award for his piece about the many, many, many, many books that have been withheld from prisoners in Texas over the last five years. Nothing riles me up more than book banning, but his extensive research–which turns up all kinds of bureaucratic craziness–is really remarkable.  (The ban on images of naked children extends back into the Renaissance, for instance.  Any naked child–even the Baby Jesus–is forbidden unless he has “clearly visible wings.”  Dexheimer’s article is infuriating, but it’s also definitely worth reading if you haven’t already. [image: Benvenuto Tisi, Le sommeil d'enfant Jesus, 16th c.]

• Soldiers Of Love (2/4/10) [View | Hide]

  Sade’s awesome new single Soldier Of Love has gotten a lot of plays in my house lately. But while searching for it in my iTunes today, the keyword “soldier” brought up four other classic songs, which led to a really great shower sing-along: Garbage, Soldier Through This A B-side to lost single You Look So Fine, Soldier Through This demonstrates why Garbage were one of the best things about the 90s. Their songs are perfect at being whatever you want them to be: A lovelorn ballad with romantic piano bits? A late-nineties alternative song about hate? A Greenwich-Barry tribute that’s ready for a girl group cover? A perfect example of that sorta-fruitful period in 1998-99 when every alternative band got a little bit gothtronic? Shirley and Butch made songs that were totally malleable (they’re even kinda-British, kinda-Wisconsinish) and their relentless commitment to awesome pop songs make them one of the best, and one of the most underrated, bands of the nineties. The Ronettes, Soldier Baby Of Mine Not the Ronettes’ finest moment, but a good song nonetheless thanks largely to the use of chimes throughout. Soldier Baby Of Mine isn’t as dramatic as Be My Baby, nor as over the top as Baby I Love You, nor as emotional as I Wish I Never Saw The Sunshine. Still, a by-the-numbers Wall Of Sound production is not a bad thing. PJ Harvey, Ballad Of The Soldier’s Wife This song, from mid-nineties Kurt Weill tribute album September Songs, taught me the meaning of the word lugubrious, which is to this day one of my favorite words. (Really, it did; that’s what all the reviews of September Songs said when mentioning this song.) Polly Jean searches the murky lower depths of her range to sing a morbid little song about all the presents a wife receives from her soldier husband. And as in most Kurt Weill songs, it ends very badly. It’s still one of my favorite PJ Harvey songs. Martika, Toy Soldiers Imagine how much different the world/our sanity would have been if Fergie’s career peaked in 1989 and Martika was the one on the radio constantly? The two Kids Incorporated stars had different career trajectories, of course, and I think it’s safe to say that Martika got the short end of the stick. Toy Soldiers is a lovely little ballad. I don’t even care that it’s an anti-drug song, just like how I didn’t care about that when I was in third grade and my best friend and I sang it to each other on our walks to school in the morning. Speaking of which, when it gets to the point–in 2013 or so–when oldies stations start playing music from the late eighties, I’m pretty sure that Toy Soldiers will be one of the first songs to make the crossover.

• Markus: Just A Gigolo? (2/3/10) [View | Hide]

  Yesterday New York Post reporter Mandy Stadtmiller reported on her visit to the Shady Lady Ranch in Nevada, where she met Markus, the man people keep wrongly insisting is America’s first legal male prostitute.  The experience was apparently very annoying to Stadtmiller, who oddly went to the ranch with no intention of fucking Markus and no concept of why the gigolo might find that unusual. Stadtmiller refers to the trip as an “undercover assignment” which the Post paid for, so we’re supposed to believe that she gave no hint of who she was.  But she says the ranch charges $300 an hour and won’t book back-to-back meetings.  How, then, did she book a two-hour meeting with him?  (Plus she took photos of them together?  Something tells me that’s maybe against protocol…) While Stadtmiller’s seemingly lying to Markus about who she is and why she’s there, it’s completely unthinkable to her that he may be lying right back to her.  He tells her that she’s only his second client and she believes him.  He also says that he lost his virginity at 23 and that he’s only ever slept with six women; she believes that, too.  I don’t know, that could well be true, but it apparently never occurs to our intrepid reporter that part of a prostitute’s job is to tell you what you want to hear. The article is full of strange details that are maybe supposed to make us feel like we’re there, but instead I’m just scratching my head.  She listened to Wind Beneath My Wings on the ride over?  She has a Precious Moments handbag?  Really?  Is she trying to show us how pious she is?  Or just how tacky? As for the experience itself, she doesn’t make it easy for the poor man.  Telling us that his real name is Patrick (again, why?) she doesn’t allow any slack for someone who’s maybe only meeting his second client.  She says he examines her “like a second-rate gynecologist,” whatever that means.  But the thing is, even if he’s been hooking for years–which, for all we know, he has been–that doesn’t mean that he’s used to the rather specific etiquette of the Shady Lady, which is obviously different than anything else he might be used to making housecalls and doing what gigolos do in other parts of the country. Things get even more nonsensical when she starts talking about his childhood.  Markus got into prostitution to find intimacy, she tells us, because he was abandoned by his mother.  And he was homeless when he took the job at the Shady Lady.  (Sadly, too, he’s still comparing himself to Rosa Parks.)  She mentions a possibly abusive mother–something really vague about sensory deprivation?–but then starts cracking mom jokes.  Twice.  (Classy!) “Who wants a man this eager?” wonders Stadtmiller, seemingly unaware that she is a huge pain in the ass.  She tells Markus that she doesn’t have much luck with men and just wants him to “put on a show” for her.  Because it’s worth driving two and a half hours into the desert to pay $300 an hour for “a show” that you could get in Vegas for way cheaper.  Right? Halfway through the article, Stadtmiller reveals that she doesn’t sleep with Markus, describing the whole situation as “a bad second date.  That cost $500.”  (Of the Post’s money.)  She goes on to explain all her other problems with the situation: She’s bothered that Merril Bainbridge’s bouncy 1996 hit “Mouth” is being piped into the room (although it’s incorrectly titled “When I Kiss Your Mouth” in the article.) She’s thrown by the fact that he doesn’t want to be called a hooker, as though that is a strange request for a man to make. She repeatedly asks whether he uses Viagra and repeatedly acts amazed when he says no. She thinks he calls her fat. She’s turned off that he can’t think of anything when she tells him to “tell her something romantic.” She doesn’t like the way he pronounces certain words and names, as though lack of education is some sort of major deterrent for someone looking for a quick fuck in the desert. Finally, after Markus brings up spanking, she tells him he needs a therapist. When the still-unexplained two-hour session is over, the gigolo asks her whether she enjoyed her experience, a sensible question for an escort whose client didn’t want to have sex and who generally behaved like a psychotic ex-girlfriend for two hours.  Stadtmiller insists on portraying him as emotionally needy, as though he is genuinely concerned about her feelings.  Obviously he’s better at his job than she thinks.

• Happy Birthday To Me (2/3/10) [View | Hide]

  So, a celebration is in order. Today my other blog, Naked Pictures Of Your Dad, turns the big oh-one. To celebrate, I decided to take the day off and ask other people to do guest posts. Seventeen people from around the internet, around Providence, and in a couple of cases both took me up on the offer, and starting at 8am eastern time you’ll be able to see what they came up with. Relatedly, the internet is surprisingly devoid of photos of a) shirtless boys covered in cake frosting, b) male strippers jumping out of cakes, and c) naked guys in party hats. Even the porn blog Gay Porn & Cake Party was surprisingly devoid of these things.  Not that the spooky marzipan cock cake above isn’t special, but I may soon need to set up a photo shoot to rectify this error…

• Search Terms (2/2/10) [View | Hide]

  Today: michael jackson devil picture is alexa dicarlo real? nerdy celebrities with glasses jerry brisco gay emily sparks: “what could not be buried” pedrito the damage is done art work Yesterday: how to become a suave, classy, gentleman songs about being classy tatas alex kapranos stare escort “billy wild” peyton manning”hookers” jop money shop tara jane o’neil lesbian Sunday: biggest dick in the word fuck in a girl mickey mouse club damon gay zombies joe gay bloodsport wwe black wrestlers Saturday: henrik zetterberg hair drunken oops lisa lisa and the cult jam naked girl in the dinosaurs semicolon punctuation manda rin nude “the legend of nick detroit” online Friday: donnie drake and pornography retro sex in college elvis orange jacket speedway giant tatas ivy moody annie blog providence the breeders going strange Thursday: emma andersson hockey bob white pro wrestler gay escort naked girl on canoe holy hookers Wednesday: tatas are awesome every song that came out in 2000 words that rhyme with hookers tom hanks evil the song that goes “2001″ calvin harris naked or gay

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paimutan

Comment left on: 2/3/10 10:32 PM Happy Birthday to NPOYD! <3<3<3

Yosey

Comment left on: 1/28/10 12:16 PM dirty photography? fascinating!

mattunder

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GimmeBrains

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FierceBear

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sissybutch

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pepe1980

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catcon

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