about

_-jeff-_

"he's a cool, sharp, clean, muthafucka"

"as we go marching into love, we are bound to be scarred. but you gotta march on anyway. left right left right left right left... we march into love. it's what we do. it's who we are. left right left right left right left... we march into love." - esthero

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beautiful existence of you

• post-fall break / more than halfway there (10/15/09) [View | Hide]

  i'm back in asheville now. fall break was last weekend. and i had a great time seeing my family and friends. i got to spend more time with my family this break than i usually do, which i'm really happy about. i played video games with my brother and spent all day monday with my mom going to lunch and to see the proposal (which i thought was super cute), and got to chill with my dad. had already done the work that was due right after break, so this week has been less stressful than it would've otherwise been. i also paid my balance for school today, so i no longer have that hanging over my head. tomorrow is the day of looking for work, and i hope it goes well. i'm just gonna go to the temp agencies around and hopefully find something good that way. besides that, there are lots of stores and restaurants around that i will apply with too. so something should work out. it doesn't have to be great in any way, just something to give me some much needed dollars, and to make me not solely dependent on my parents. but for the rest of the night i think i'm not gonna do a damn thing, because that's how i do. hope you're doing well also!

• important question (10/7/09) [View | Hide]

  "lit review, why can you just not be finished already?" because just thinking about you makes me super tired.

• monday (10/5/09) [View | Hide]

  so i didn't sleep that well last night, and as a result, sadly slept right through my alarm for 9:30am this morning. i continued to sleep mostly straight through until 2:30pm, because every time i woke up and thought about getting up i felt completely defeated. i'm not really sure what was making me feel this way. i do have a lot of work this week but not so much that i feel like i can't through it. anyway, so i spent the majority of my awake part of today feeling depressed for no apparent reason. i took a long shower to wake up, and still felt pretty much worthless for the day for a bit. then i got a call from kenny and got to catch up with him and hear about some exciting things he's doing, which cheered me up. during the call marshall came back from school and being with her immediately made me feel better. we decided to be very domestic ladies and made dinner and watched you've got mail together and chatted. now she's listening to bette midler's thighs and whispers on record, while i attempt to get started on some work. but clearly you see how well that's working out. i think i'll start with some reading i need to get done, instead of the writing part. i really just want to listen to music and lounge around the apartment and daydream, but that would not be productive. lol oh now marshall has changed it to luther vandross! it's fun here. thanks for tuning in. i'll keep you all updated on how things develop.

• at long last (10/3/09) [View | Hide]

  we are officially exiting the blogging hiatus. there are new things happening that will need to be documented. so here we are. a lot has changed since the last post. i am back in asheville for my last semester of college. i have my senior seminar class and then i'm done! the class is going really well, so i'm feeling good. i have not been able to lock down a job as of yet, so i'm making it only with my parents' help, which i feel somewhat guilty about but also extremely grateful. marshall and i have an apartment together and we are in love with it. i took some pictures so you can feel like you're here with us. welcome friends! also marshall did a virtual tour on her youtube site here! i guess that's all for now, because i have to get some work done for this crazy week i have coming up. but thanks for returning to my blog. i will try to keep this thing going more frequently now :) ::currently listening to: marshall playing songs on her guitar - i love it here!::

• yet another reason to love her (5/30/09) [View | Hide]

  esthero showing her support for the gays!

• panic moment (5/28/09) [View | Hide]

  this summer is not starting off much better than the last. i have been applying for jobs and at temp agencies, but so far i have nothing. in addition to this i have large credit card bills and over the limit fees to contend with, and my seatbelt ticket. but i have $10 to my name. i'm supposed to be getting a check from my internship, but i'm not sure when that'll get here. oh yeah, i also need money to buy new glasses, because i lost mine. they were very expensive, and i'm still freaked out that they're gone, but there's nothing to be done. i know these are small in comparison to some people's problems but i'm very bad at dealing with these situations, and am in a bit of a panic. if one thing would fall into place, surely the others would follow suit, right? it's hard to tell at this point.

• danger (5/24/09) [View | Hide]

  i should never be allowed to mix my own drinks ever again.

• seriously? (5/21/09) [View | Hide]

  i swear you could set a fucking stopwatch to time how long it takes after one thing goes right in my life before something blows the fuck up in my face! i had a great interview this morning, and was feeling a bit better about things this summer, which have been worrying me non-stop, but then i get pulled over by a motorcycle cop because i wasn't wearing my seat belt. so now i - who have no money to my name at all - must pay $100. no it's not the end of the world, but on top of all the other bullshit that i have had to deal with in the recent weeks of my life, i would expect a break maybe at some point. is that unreasonable? eva thinks it's because i killed a lot of people or swindled old ladies in a past life. if i did, i am truly sorry, but i would never do that now, if that counts for anything. if it does, please make a note in my file, because this shit has to stop.

• just because you should (5/18/09) [View | Hide]

  so i've woken up at some completely unacceptable time. but that will be remedied momentarily. but first i will have a drink of water. because apparently it's just the healthiest thing, and i should be drinking it practically every moment, instead of the millions of diet coke with limes that i usually drink. after that i'm thinking of sleeping until the middle of the day, at which point i'll get up and we'll see... good morning monday, i'm glad i've lived to see you, but i'm going back to sleep. "i like to maintain a healthy lifestyle!" - patsy, from abfab

• bad news (4/28/09) [View | Hide]

  i am not going to be graduating this semester. it is an incredibly long, drawn out story, so if you want to hear it, i'll be happy to call you and tell you, rather than writing it all out. i'm trying to keep things in perspective and think positively where possible, but it comes and goes. the main thing i'm having a hard time with is having let my parents down. they were more excited about my graduation than i was, and now i've let them down. i've talked to them a little about the situation, but need to go through it again tonight, and i'm dreading it. the other problem - as always - is money. i can find a way to support myself during the next semester, but can't cover my car insurance and my health insurance and rent, so i would still need their help. i'm jumping to conclusions a little by assuming that it's going to be a problem between us, but it seems fairly likely. and of course i don;t have anything figured out that well at this point, because i'm still somewhat thrown. i'm such a pessimist usually, that it really hasn't surprised me that i didn't make it, though. that's a bad feeling to feel about yourself. i'm working on it, though. "as we go marching into love, we are bound to be scarred, but you gotta march on anyway" .:esthero:.

• "...you are held in a queue..." (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  if this is a question is "maybe" a lie? if "yes" doesn't mean it does "when" lessen "why" you are held in a queue someone will be with you shortly say I'm wrong you decide i don't believe the words you sing sometimes but then it's your life it's your life it's your life it's your life but, you've only got one... if i just to spite you placate your disgrace will song turn to silence? will mask wear your face? are you down to be open? show me yours and i'll show you mine or are you down just to be down? i don't believe the words you sing sometimes but then it's your life it's your life it's your life it's your life but, you only got one you've only got...one... .:frou frou//only got one:.

• things whose ass i'ma kick this week (4/20/09) [View | Hide]

  (1) the first one without a doubt has to be my capsim annual reports for my senior seminar class! this thing is CRAZY. it's a professional report that has to be at least 50 pages, but seriously can not be done in 50. we have to include the industry analysis, mission statement, executive summary, future plans of the company, as well as the specific marketing, r&d, production, and finance decisions of our company over the 8 years of the competition. oh and what our competitors were doing as well. due thurs. (2) my research presentation for the same class, and on the same day - thurs. my research is on the increase in social responsibility as a public relations tool in a cross-cultural context. it's a lot to go through, but i just have to organize my thoughts for the presentation, and the paper is due on the 30th. i also need to practice so i don;t get up there and talk really fast. (3) my final internship presentation is also on thurs. this won't be a big deal, but i haven't started making my slides yet. i just need to compile all the things i've worked on at my internship into separate projects and talk about the process in the different ones. (4) volunteer this weekend for the class that i have all this work in. not sure where or when, but i'm gonna do something and it'll be good to help out and have a change of scenery. (5) finish beautifying the stockroom/supply area at my internship so i can take some pictures and move on to something else! (6) group meetings for marketing strategy for our marketing plan. (7) group meeting for managing health care class about how we would change the health care system. it's gonna be insane. but it's the last crazy week of my college life. thankfully.

• seriously, when is it over? (4/19/09) [View | Hide]

  so it's been awhile since i posted last, but things have been really outta control crazy with school and my internship. the semester is almost over, and i'm excited but incredibly beat down, and nervous about finding a job. it's hard to be really happy about graduating when you feel like finding a job will be so hard. i wish i was someone with more ambition, and i just couldn't live with myself until i got what i wanted, but that's just not me. also between my student debt and my credit cards and my insurance, i don't see what amazing job i'm gonna find that will allow me to pay for everything and get by. it seems highly unlikely. and my parents are amazing, and have helped with everything all the way, but i don't want to have to do that forever, and i'm just really nervous. today was just a really low day. i have so much to get done, and all i want to do is sleep. i got a few things done, but haven't made remarkable progress on the scarier things that are coming up this week. and i can't even focus on getting through this week and then being free, because i have no money and that is really making life difficult. i have put myself in crazy credit card debt and now i have maxed out and have no options. my fault, clearly, but still no fun. tonight i have been missing someone pretty hard for the first time in awhile, and that does not help matters. i'm sure he's a lot better off and happier, and i am really happy for him truly, but it's sad that i'm still not feeling much better from all that. in the future i should really refuse certain invitations so that things do not come up without my control. all my blog entries are so depressing, and i apologize for that, but i guess that's when i'm the most reflective. i will do my best to mix it up better. now i have to continue working on some shit for this week. i fucking hate school.

• a break (2/28/09) [View | Hide]

  it's been awhile since i posted something, and so i thought i would correct this. things have gotten a bit more manageable since the last post. i was able to add the health care industry class i needed to graduate. school is going reasonably well. the classes i've had exams in i've made a's, as well as the ones i've had presentations, so that's good. i talked with my art history teacher and decided it would be better to just audit the course, because i really am not going to have time to devote to memorizing things for that class or for the research paper we had to do. she was incredibly nice and understanding, and i am going to continue going to class as much as i can. i finished my group presentation with my partner for that class too, and we got many compliments on our presentation. plus it will be nice to still have the contrast from all these business classes. speaking of, i have a bit of a problem with my senior seminar class. we have a research component of the class, which - first of all - seems completely unnecessary. we have already had a class that was only about that where we did a semester long research project. my teacher has tried to justify this by saying that this research is necessary because that other class focused on empirical research and this one is theoretical. ...fail! they are not that different. also this would not be so bad if we had more time. our 1st draft was due in a month! and it is to be graded; not just a "ok you're off to a good start," kind of rough draft. needless to say, mine is not done. i'm having a very hard time doing it. i can't find enough research sources for the topic i wanna do. and our teacher wants us to contribute something new to the field. i'm just feeling hateful about the whole thing. besides that things are good. and that is not that big of a deal. i just tend to be dramatic about these things. truthfully i'll end up changing my topic to something readily available that i'm not that interested in just to finish, because who cares what i really think anyway, right? whatever. my internship is so nice to have as an escape from school. the people are great and i get to do a lot of different things. no, i have not really started on my project for that class, but that's ok, i think, because it shouldn't take too long to complete. other than those things, i have been too tired for words lately. almost to the point where i want to go to the health services to make sure i don't have a mild case of mono or something! i can't get enough sleep, and i'm having intense dreams, which i don't usually have. i've joked about it before, but i'm entirely sure i could sleep for weeks, and be fine. i'd wake up to eat a little something or to pee, but i'd be sleeping other that that. i'm not sure that would be so bad. i'd miss some deadlines, so that would suck. but it would be so great to rest from it all. anyway, the point being it's weird how tired i am all the time. other than that, i just need more money and a man. these things would help a lot. but i'm not holding my breath.

• i just slept for 10 hours (2/13/09) [View | Hide]

  but now i'm awake. more or less. the school crisis is hopefully over. i'm waiting for an email ok'ing me to take mgmt 365 - intro to health services delivery and policy, which is one of the 5 course choices i had. the professor is really nice, and is going to allow me to come in a month late. my adviser filled out a petition for me to be able to add it late, and i just had to get the professor and the department chair to sign it, then turn it in to the registrar's office. the lady there was really nice, and said that there is usually no problem in getting them through and that it's usually a fast process. the only thing is it HAS to go through or i'm in the same situation as earlier. so i'm waiting for an email confirmation from their office. the only problem with this fix is that it completely changes my availability for my internship, and most of the people there are away this week to the convention, so i can't talk with them about it. i'm going to just go in at 9 today and stay til i have to leave to attend this new class at 1:45-2:35, then go back an finish stuff. i probably won't have to do that all the time (and let's hope not!) but i worked it out that i didn't go in on wed because i was so stressed about this situation. they're all really nice and they'll definitely understand i have to do this, but it makes it more difficult to fit all m hours in, which is certainly the lesser or the two problems, but still is a problem. other than that, it is almost the weekend, and that is very good. i have so much work to do! especially now that i have to catch up on a month's worth of work. but i'm happy about the weekend anyway. maybe my expectations are so lowered now, that anything that doesn't just outright suck seems like something to celebrate. that's a clearly negative view, but it seems plausible somewhat. it's just after 5:30 and i'm going to have some breakfast, and make myself into someone that doesn't look like they crashed for 10 hours. here's hoping today brings me much better news than wed did. if this doesn't work out i will likely be a completely evil monster for an indefinite period of time.

• i just can't win (2/11/09) [View | Hide]

  the only reason i'm typing this is because it's too early to be able to do anything about it or to call anyone. i received my final graduation checklist today, and guess what? there is another course i have to take in order to graduate. i knew that these things happen a lot and so last semester i checked and re-checked with my adviser and the registrar to be sure that i would be able to graduate this semester. and no one told me otherwise. even if they hadn't told me last semester, i'm sure if they had told me at the beginning of this one, then i could have added this class and been fine. i'm so mad i want to break something or scream, but i know that won't help. i called the registrar and tried to find out what had happened and she was almost immediately coming at me with attitude. i felt like cussing her out or completely losing it, but all i said was that i was just calling because i was confused as to why this problem is conveniently coming up after i can do anything about it, and that i'm not trying to be a jerk but it's the worst timing possible, because it could all have been fixed. and i would cry if i could feel like it was a surprise or something. my only course of action is to check with my adviser and see what options i have, but frankly i don't trust him. he didn't let me know about any of this any of the times i met with him. and i have a class with him this semester! today was already shit, but now i just want to give up.

• can't sleep (2/5/09) [View | Hide]

  despite my best efforts, i cannot get to sleep. i was able to take a nap for maybe 4 hours a bit earlier, but have been restless and wide awake ever since. it's one of those nights that when you lie down all you can do is think of all the things you need/would like to do. i need to catch up on some reading and some research for my classes. i can't believe this is my last semester and i have no idea what i'm going to do once it's over. my classes this semester are actually going ok, i just feel really spaced most of the time, and can't get my thoughts together. of course, lying in bed is also when i keep thinking over and over again that i need to start working out, losing weight, changing all kinds of things about myself. easy to decide to do when you're in bed and really can't do anything about them at that particular moment. it's sad, too, because i am seriously thinking about these things all day, and would be really doing myself a great service to do something about it, instead of simply being bombarded with the worry all the time. i hope i can. it's never been this much of an issue before, and it's really stressing me out. things are going well at my internship. i definitely didn't go in any kind of on time yesterday because i was so worried about the possibility of driving through the snow/ice. and naturally there wasn't any problem, and the worry was all for nothing. better safe than sorry, i guess. i did stay later, though, so i was really there the same amount of time as i would've normally been. and i got all the things done i needed to. maybe it's from not sleeping, but i keep having weird thoughts. and i have felt like i'm kind of a guest in my own life. like i'm vacationing as myself, and trying to keep myself occupied at all times. and i'm coming up short. i could, obviously, be filling a lot of the time with work that i need to do, but what kind of vacation is that? it's weird though, because when i don't have plans or something going on that i have to be/somewhere to be, i sorta panic and try to come up with things to keep myself busy. the snow has kept me from taking these moments to run out and do random things, so i've thought about it a lot more, i guess. like i said, i'm restless. and cold. seriously, i'm not usually the person that has a hard time with this, and my room is usually hotter than can be tolerated, but now it's freezing in here! wtf?! the heat is half ass right now. and all the cold is coming right through the windows! i'm wrapped up like a refugee. but it's hard to be comfy like that. i'm making some hot tea. in desperate attempts to be able to sleep, i was only drinking water (and wine... haha) but i need something warm, even if it does have caffeine. we are on a 2 hour delay today for classes and my first class is cancelled. this means i don't have class until noon, so theoretically i have plenty of time to get some work done. i intend to. how it will probably play out is that i will get something done and then be over it. this won't take me til noon, though. i'd love to sleep til then, but that seems really unlikely. at least it's almost the weekend. and the snow outside is really nice to see, even if it is cold and windy. oh well.

• true story (2/3/09) [View | Hide]

  i have a marketing presentation this morning about frozen dog food. it is my opinion that it is impossible to make this interesting. and so i am wearing cute shoes instead. good morning world. thanks for not snowing enough to get me outta this. haha

• this seems like a blog thing (1/31/09) [View | Hide]

  and it took me a long time, so i'm putting up again. that's that. (01) It's entirely possible that I will never have a normal sleep schedule. I realize my status said I was doing work this afternoon, and while that was partly true, I was mostly just sleeping. that is from the time of around 5:30 to 11 or so. Crazy, I know. That explains why I'm awake at almost 4am. (02) It's weird that, considering I sleep so much I very rarely remember anything about my dreams. I know I have them, because I sleep for long periods of time. I just usually don't remember the mat all. I do, however, remember a dream I had a couple of years ago, where I was a member of a Latino gang. There were do rags and bad accents and bullets zipping past my head. It was definitely worth remembering. La Ganaga, anyone? (03) My first cd was The Bodyguard soundtrack. I remember singing the Whitney Houston songs in to hairbrushes, on the swingset, etc. This probably raised a lot of questions. (04) I joined the Y my first week back in Asheville. I haven't been since. I'm really embarrassed by this admission. I fully intended on going everyday. I'm such a flake. What I really need is a workout partner that is basically my complete opposite. They have nothing to gain, admittedly, from this transaction, but it would help me a lot. (05) I always notice what shoes people are wearing before anything else. (06) I really love the wintertime and the snow. I wish it were snowing now. The only trouble is that I completely refuse to drive in the snow or ice. I am bad enough in normal conditions. It's best for everyone. (07) Almost the only thing I can say with certainty that I want is the chance to travel. I would love to see all kinds of different places. The trouble is I have very little dollars to do this. It would be great to find a job that I had to travel for, but - considering the job market - I'll be lucky to get what I can get. (08) I would ultimately like to live in a big city. But I have a really hard time with this, because I would like to be close to my friends and family. I feel like a little kid whenever I think of this because I just don't know how to compromise on this issue. I don't want to live in Durham all my life though. Would be much better to just come visit. We'll see. I guess. (09) I have a terrible memory. I have a difficult time remembering how old I am. I am 26, btw. I don't feel 26. I have virtual nothing figured out at this point and tere are people my age and younger that seem well ahead of me in this capacity. (10) Related to # 9, I forgot my best friend's age on his last birthday in December. I wrote the wrong age in his card and on his myspace and everything. He thought it was funny, but I was really embarrassed. (11) I really want to learn as many different foreign languages as I can. I took Spanish and Portuguese but I'm incredibly forgetful, and have lost a lot of it. Jordanna told me I should look for a bootleg copy of the Rosetta stone things, because they are rull espenisive. (12) Right now I could really go for some Earl Grey Tea. (13) I am obsessed with music. I have to have it on almost all the time. Especially if I'm driving. If we are in the car, I am happy to listen to you, but you'll have to talk over the music because I won't turn it all the way down. It's no disrespect to you. (14) I have "Black Barbie" by Little Jackie stuck in my head right now. (15) All of my relationships have been less than 6 or 7 months long. I haven't had that many, but this seems really short. It's entirely possible that they just get tired of me, because out of all the things in my life that I choose to be completely neurotic and crazy over, relationships are at the top. I constantly obsess over things I say and do and try to figure out where I stand in relationships. Complete freak. I feel like I'm pretty good at relationships, though, because all this shit is behind the scenes. I am single, though, of course. (16) I am most likely going out dancing Friday and Saturday night this week. It won;t be to the same place. This could be the first time I have done this since when I was at NC State. It's not that it should be commemorated or anything, but it's been a long time. (17) I am out of Diet Coke (with Lime) and this always warrants a grocery store trip no matter what time it is. (18) I tend to procrastinate. A lot of times this means I will watch tv or movies before I start something. Or I'll check Facebook or Myspace before starting work. It's bad. Also, even sadder is I'll delay starting things by making lists about just how onpoint I intend to be in completing them. (19) My room is a mess. It wasn't earlier today, because I cleaned it earlier. this is also something I use to procrastinate, because I can live in somewhat disarray, but I can't work in it. (20) I am the worst at money management. I can rationalize any purchase. I don;t know my credit score, but let's just say I'm very scared. (21) I want a cat. I was parked beside this car that had the cutest dog in it. I don;t want a dog as much because they are so much like a child in how much attention they need. But a really sweet cat would be fun. One that was completely stank and aloof would be fun, too. Just not as much. (22) I fear I may have Restless Leg Syndrome. I've thought this for awhile, but have been too embarrassed to really explore it. My feet and legs are always shaking if I'm sitting still. And I don;t have that much energy. It's far more likely to be a physical problem. (23) I have been avoiding work off and on all night. Did you know all the seasons of Arrested Development are on Hulu? (24) I hate to break the rules, but I'ma cheat since my shit was erased. I had 25 things but they are gone, and it's late. I was completely fine with not doing this at all after that, but I had a neurotic need to finish it, since I'd spent a long time on it. That's not intended to reflect on any pressure you have to enjoy it, I'm just letting you know. (25) It's almost 5 and it's my bedtime, boys an girls. It's a sick reality, but it's true. I love you all.

• one week down (1/23/09) [View | Hide]

  things have been slightly crazed as i'm getting used to being back, but for the most part all is well. i'm excited (and nervous) about my classes, but i feel like i'll be capable of doing well in all of them. my internship is going well. everyone is really nice, even though it's an incredibly hectic time for them with so many events going on. i'm just hoping i will be a big help. i've even been early and staying after so i can get more done. on a sad note, i have not yet been to the y to work out or started my diet. i keep rationalizing this by thinking that i should start things of this nature at the beginning of a week, but more and more it's looking like i should start this weekend when i don't have class or work to deal with. not that i won't have things to get done. they just won't be those things. so hopefully this weekend i can make some progress to that end. it needs to happen. i've been feeling very discouraged about my weight and how out of shape i am lately. and i think it will help pull me out of that if i know i'm making a concerted effort to change it. i'm really excited that it's the weekend. i need to have some time to chill, and regroup after this week. that will also probably include going out and getting somewhat drunk to reacquaint myself with asheville. anyway that's about it. i'm going to go get ready so i can get out for a bit. have a nice weekend, everyone!

• inauguration/snow day (1/21/09) [View | Hide]

  what a crazy/wonderful day! the day before it was MLK day and was snowing practically all afternoon here. it was so pretty. i got to meet eva and alison for lunch at mela before they headed back to d-town! and i spent the afternoon with marshal and jen. marshall and i watched trashy judge shows and the news for hours. so based on the weather coverage i just knew classes would be canceled today, but they were only delayed. this worked out ok too though. i got my books and the first part of my refund check, and went to my classes, except for art history which didn't meet today. and i got to see president obama's speech in between them. it's very inspiring to have a president in office that you helped elect, and that you believe in so much. i think things will definitely start changing. speaking of change, i joined the y monday and am going to start going tomorrow after my first day at my internship. i'm excited about both of these things. and i'm proud that i made them happen. i'm also going to try and start this diet thing that katy did awhile back that frankly i'm not going to be able to maintain wholeheartedly. but at this point i figure any changes i make as far as what i eat and working out will be helpful to what i had been doing. also i haven't really had enough time to go grocery shopping yet to get these things i'll be allowed to eat. oh well, wish me luck. besides those things, i have a lot of work ahead of me this semester! i have gotten started already but will have to stay on top of it all or i'll be doomed. my classes are: (1) mgmt 489 - internship (2) mgmt 458 - marketing strategy (3) mgmt 491 - capstone senior seminar (4) arth 350 - 19th century european art the internship class is going to be great, because i'm really excited about the place i'm working, but the first couple weeks are stressing me out because i have to come up with a timeline for my whole semester for my internship project, and my manager is out of town tomorrow, and it's due on fri, which will only be my 2nd day. but i talked to my teacher and said i would come up with something and then just make revisions according to my manager's inputs. the marketing strategy class is going to be really interesting. we will be working with a local company (i'm not sure which one i'll be in yet), helping them with new marketing campaigns/directions, etc. it should be fun. and i really like my instructor, and she's also my adviser for my internship, so that's helpful. the capstone class is going to be the craziest thing ever. we have this software thing we sign up for online called capsim where we simulate 8 years of an industry we have to control. i have a partner that i like, so that won't be a problem. but we have to make all the production, financing, marketing, and research and development decisions for an industry and make sure that all our products fall within the optimal constraints, and remain profitable. we will be graded based on the profit margins to a large extent, i think. it's all spreadsheets and graphs and flow charts and there are a lot of things where you have to change certainn figures and then see how everything is affected, and you may have to change it back. i'm just really nervous. and everything you do in the process has to be recorded because at the end of the course you have to do a write up of the whole process that's supposed to be 50-70 pages. and i'm really forgetful so that part is scaring me a lil bit. in addition to that we have a research project, of which the first draft is due in just over a month! also we have to do 10 papers relating to business cases in our textbook. so on top of being incredibly confusing and scary, it's just a lot of work. the good thing is i have a good partner, and my professor is really helpful and i think i'ma need it. the art history class hasn't met yet, and despite being a lot of writing and reading and memorization (like all other art history classes), i think it will be a much needed break from business. i double checked with the offices here and everything is set for me to graduate. i'm very excited about this semester and this year. i'm also very sleepy, so i'm going to bed where it's warm. goodnight.

• avoiding disaster (1/15/09) [View | Hide]

  classes start today, and guess what? i'm not at school. but it's not my fault, because there was snow and ice. i decided i just couldn't risk the possibility of having to drive in it. i just kept picturing my car flying off the side of a mountain or me broke down beside it crying into the snow, and the decision was made. ideally this gives me more time to leave in a less chaotic way, but it will probably just mean that i get nothing done for a few extra days. yea me! the sad thing is, i'd really love to see the snow, but if it means driving in it in any way then the deal is off. also why did i fall asleep at 10:45 last night and wake up at 6 this morning? what's happening to me?!

• to glance back while looking forward (1/13/09) [View | Hide]

  true to form, i am late at looking back to the previous year. i feel compelled to recap in some way, though. i pretty much detest new years resolutions, so that ain't gonna happen, but i am looking forward. and i'm optimistic about 2009. a whole lot went down in 2008. i was thinking back and all of it seems like years ago in some ways. i guess that's how we do, though, just driving through. i'm happy to say that i have come to the last semester of college. and i'm feeling better about my major now. with the economy the way it is, i'm not extremely optimistic about job opportunities, but i will try to stay optimistic through it all. many people i had gotten used to seeing and staying in touch with all the time, i have had a hard time keeping up with, which makes me sad. it's surreal to have people younger than you graduate first, but it's not a race and everyone has a different story. and mine took some interesting twists and turns this year; most of which i feel pretty good about. the year started with me being fired behind my back and me being crazy pissed and resentful about the whole thing. and that led to a lot of insecurities about working for me and about finances. but also has given me the gift of perspective that i wouldn't have if things had played out differently. i feel like retail should be a thing of my past. i've paid my dues. i really enjoyed working with my brother over the summer, even though it was really completely new and very challenging for me. i felt proud that i made it through it. and also i got to know him better in the process, and it made me even prouder of him. i wish i were like him in more ways than i am. i'm not sure how receptive he would be if i tried to tell him these things, but it should be mentioned nonetheless. he is generous in an unwavering way and in my opinion a great leader. and i think these things are inherent in him, and i feel very proud and honored to be his brother. my parents are the same way, and that is very important to me. i know i always have their support and love. i made the decision not to find a job and tried not to worry about it as much as possible over the fall semester, and it really paid off, as i did the best i have done my whole time in college (besides durham tech), and that i am really proud of. it made this winter break much more of a pleasant time than it has been in years. i can't remember the last christmas i wasn't distracted and feeling guilty and uncertain about my life before the new year. not that i have everything all figured out by any means, but i feel more okay about it, which is a great help. i'm also - for the first time in a very long time - actually really excited about this semester in school. i have an internship i'm really looking forward to. the people seem incredibly nice and i'm going to get to do a lot of different things there, and get some experience in business, which i hope will be beneficial to getting a job after i graduate, and also give me more of an idea of things i'd like to do. i'm taking a strategic marketing class with an instructor i really enjoy also, and that should be fun. my senior seminar class will be a big challenge but i think i'll learn a lot. and i have an art history class i'm taking to break things up. then i'll be done! i simply can't imagine what that will feel like. it will probably take awhile to sink in. this past semester i also found a way to step out of my comfort zone and really take chances and went on dates and met some great new friends. there were definitely setbacks and times when i had a really hard time with it, but i feel more confident than i did before. i couldn't have done it without my friends, though. this year i was surrounded by people that mean so much to me, and who were always there when i needed support. you guys are like family to me. 2008 was also about inspiration for me, and i really still feel inspired that better things are coming in 2009. this is huge for me, because i tend to be so incredibly cynical. but it has felt so good to believe in something and feel like change and progress are truly possible. i have never felt so connected to a presidential candidate or politics, it's been really nice for me, because it has helped me break out of some uncertainty and fears that might have continued to cloud my judgments and decisions. as for other things that inspired me, i feel like i have to mention music, because it is always important to me. and so the top albums/songs of 2008 for me were (in no particular order): 01) erykah badu - new amerykah 02) naked music - re-creation 03) janelle monae - metropolis 04) john legend - evolver 05) j-boogie's dubtronic science - soul vibrations 06) little jackie - the stoop 07) madonna - hard candy 08) gina rene - be the change 09) jennifer hudson - spotlight 10) kanye west - 808s and heartbreak so that's a good place to stop. thanks to all of you that made 2008 a great year, and i hope you are looking forward to this year as much as i am. goodnight.

• a much-needed update (6/29/08) [View | Hide]

  so things are getting better. and this is a relief for sure. the crazy first construction project where we jacked the woman's house off its foundation is on pause while some other people put her hardwood flooring in, and this means we are working on a really nice house by duke that the couple hasn't moved into yet. tiling and cabinets and hardwood flooring and crown molding are the projects here, and they're much better. i'm still wo' out everyday, and i don't think that is going to get any better with more time, because i've just decided i am not supposed to be in the heat that much. i'm the sweatiest person alive quite possibly, and i just don't get down with being that nasty. the couple seems nice. she is a professor at duke (my brother is supposed to find out what she teaches for me, because i'm curious about these things), and he does something where he is traveling all the time. still not much free time ever, but i'm making it work the best i can. i had sat off, which was really great, but i didn't get any of the things done i wanted. i did get to talk with jordanna for a while on the phone, though, which made me very happy. and i went out with brian and our friend susan and spent today with them, and seeing eva and alison who are going to be fully moved here in a couple weeks. i'm very excited about that. my mom's not been feeling well, and she's leaving for montana tomorrow until the 13th. yes it's for that crazy church, and i'm not that thrilled about that, but i hope she has a great trip with my aunt and her cousin. she needs to get away from work at the very least. but i will miss her. i'm excited to hear about jen's moving into a house in asheville! i miss all of you so much, and it will be so wonderful to see you first of all as my return to asheville! i talked to kenny the other week and we have tentative plans to go to the zoo with mark and jordanna some weekend. other than that i have been out of touch, and haven't seen or talked to anyone much with my new work schedule, but i intend to get much better at managing that. i finished watching arrested development on alluc and it made me think of you guys and miss you all even more. brain and i got drunk on wine and books and watched the 3rd season in like 2 days pretty much. i can't even decide on my favorite parts. we may need to watch it again. i am also trying to get bam bam and celeste for him to see! i guess that's all the update really, but i hope you all are well and happy! .:MUCHLOVE:. also this is one of my favorite singers - gina rene, and this is her new song "be the change," which you can buy for $1 at cdbaby.com. it's really inspired much in the same way as the yes we can video. just thought i'd drop that on ya. enjoy :)

• angst-y (6/18/08) [View | Hide]

  this summer has been a mess. trying to find a job turned me into a complete wreck emotionally. and has taken over my soul in many ways. so i started work with my brother doing remodeling and renovations and construction with his company. i am incredibly grateful for the opportunity and am trying to be the best completely inexperienced help ever. so far so good, except i am at work by 7 each morning and working 10-12 hour days and not having any time to myself. i'm having to go to bed early, like 11:30 and such to make it work, and it's hard for me to make myself do this when it is the only time i have. but i'm getting ahead of myself. the job hunting depressed me to an extreme amount. even fucking super target didn't call me back or anything, and their fucking application took me 40 minutes at a little computer right in the store. fucking humiliating. then my grandpa found an ad in the paper for a sales job that paid $15/hr, and i filled out the application online and got an interview and went to that and it lasted 90 minutes, only for me to find out that it is that scam where you sell fucking knives by appointments, which you have to put a $155 security deposit on up front. so i was completely punk'd on that, and the interview was all the way in raleigh, and i spent nearly all the dollars i had left on gas to get there. then my check engine light comes on in my car on my way back. something else to fix on the car apparently, which i have no money for. and a bitch cannot get a break there, because after my wreck before school was out i realized that june is the month i have to get my car inspected! it will not pass right now, and i can't fix it yet. so i'm hoping to not get pulled or fined. also, god how i hate summer! it is so fucking hot, and all i can think about is how out of shape i am. i have been getting a bit of exercise here and there and vigilantly watching what i was eating until this new job, because there is no way. and it is over a month into the summer and i haven't seen my friends hardly at all! because i have no money to do anything with them, or even to drive at all a lot of times. and with the end of school in sight, i am really worried about finding a job, seeing as fucking target wouldn't even call me back! plus i have to get a job that has health insurance because i will be fucked over without it, because of diabetes. i just feel like all things are working against me, and it has nothing to do with the people in my life, because they are the greatest, but otherwise i just can't catch a break. why can't i just have a nice summer break? it's my last one EVER! i just want to have some fun before i'm back to school for more of the major i hate and the ridiculous disappointments. i know this is incredibly angsty and over the top, but i am sore all over from being under a house breathing through a mask, and getting the dirtiest ever in my life. and i have to go to bed in a matter of moments, because i have to be up at 6 to get ready to go jack a house off its foundation tomorrow. literally that's what we are doing. this house needs so much work. i would leave and change my name if it were me. damn. but i love my brother so much for the work, and i really am trying to be the best at it that i can, but it's hard for me to be manly. it's just not me, no matter how hard i try, and it is a constant effort. i feel like i have been acting all day; trying to pass, and then i get home and have no recuperation time before i am back to do it all again the next day. sunday is the only day we have off this week, and i am just dreading telling my parents i am not going to church because if they have the nerve to be surprised or hurt that i won't, i may snap. i simply cannot spend my only day off listening to all of that. more acting. i will do my best to pass as a manly guy that can handle construction, but i will not go to role # 2 and try to pass as a christian. fire me now. and my running policy is that i will go on special occasions, because i know how much it means to my family, but last week was fathers' day and i went. this sunday we're early celebrating my dad's birthday... so you have to draw a line somewhere or the occasions could just continue to sneak up. there's just got to be some rich man that would want a neurotic hopelessly dramatic mess like me to take care of. he could think of it as a challenge if that would motivate him. or as charity. doesn't matter to me in the slightest, but a bitch needs a break.

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jijinarak

Comment left on: 3/10/08 9:47 PM wanna say hi..how ya tonight? have a nice time b4 u go bed. goodnight