Q: what are you in school for / what are your plans after college?
A: i have an associate’s degree in liberal arts, and my bachelor’s will be under the official title of “media, culture, and communications”. i’ve been taking these classes for two years and still don’t know what that means exactly. i will say that the major is a lot of theory on media studies and its properties, and i often feel as though i’m taking the same class over and over each semester rather than being taught how to do a job properly when i finally get out of school.
as time goes by i find myself less and less drawn to the idea of establishing a “career”, and when i do settle for one i assume i’ll be a little behind. new york city offers hundreds of opportunities for students to get their foot in the door somewhere, but i just really can’t afford to work unpaid for credit (or less) right now or over the coming year. and regardless, i’m still very indecisive as to what i want to do for the rest of my life. none of my hobbies scream out to me as something monetarily worthwhile. i do very much like to write, i think i’m good at it, and i’m also interested in photography and its editing. besides that, i think i’d be doing myself a disservice by prematurely choosing a path i don’t want to be on one hundred percent.
Q: what’s the deal with the military school thing?
A: i think perhaps i make a bigger deal out of going to a “military school” than what it really was. the marine academy of science and technology does sound big and bad, but its title only means that we had a large focus on marine biology and its counterparts. the campus was on the beach near my house and we had our own boat, which are the superficial reasons why i picked to go there in the first place. participation in the NJROTC (naval junior reserve officer training core) was mandatory. at large high schools it’s something like an after-school club, but we only had about three hundred students enrolled throughout all four grades. regardless, we did have battalion formation every friday, wore our uniforms two days a week, went through a specifically titled “naval science” class, and had the option to participate in region-wide drill team competitions (of which i was the unarmed exhibition commander, and my team won about three or four awards over my time there). i miss it now. i hated it at the time.
the one thing that i miss the most is the pressure put upon us by promotion status. we were ranked by our performance in a number of areas, and given roles in the battalion based on those successes. i think i cried at almost every single promotion ceremony because i felt unrecognized for my work. it’s funny to think how unimportant those titles are now. i’m sad to say that the overwhelming desire to succeed has really faded since i’ve left the watch of my sergeants and fellow officers, but i’m still extremely proud of myself for going through those four years and i’m looking to regain that drive in the future. i think it’s a part of who i am, and i wear my (fake topshop) dog tags everyday to remind myself of my ties there. one day i’d like to buy myself real ones.
Q: i’ve read / someone told me that you’re an asshole / douchebag / riddled with stds / all-around horrible person. true / false?
A: short answer - yes and no, but the long answer might be better. if i’ve been called anything derogatory over the past three years, the overwhelming majority of it has focused solely on supposed promiscuity and being a total jerkoff. and i suppose (within reason) that i can understand both.
unfortunately, i’m not the walking disease machine everyone wants me to be. i had unprotected sex for the first time in high school, contracted chlamydia, got it treated, and learned my lesson. i haven’t had sex without a condom since, and i’ve had no problem divulging any of that information to anyone that asks. my logic method has always been trial by fire. if nothing else, i’m grateful that it happened early and without major consequence. i don’t feel ashamed right now that i have the sex drive of a normal twenty-year-old or that i act upon that sex drive, but i will say that i take all the necessary precautions that i need to, i am certainly intelligent enough to know if i’m putting myself in a precarious situation, and i don’t undress quite as often as you think. other than that, what i do with others is my business. i don’t think any judgment should be placed on my shoulders for that.
i think the insinuation that i’m an asshole may be sound in some aspects, but wrong in others. i’ve come to the realization that my personality just really rubs some people the wrong way. obviously i would love to have everyone like me, but there are people i will never click with. not in the present. not in the future. the rest (and more important) negative feelings towards me are my fault. i’ve done a number of things in college (and high school) that i regret, i’ve hurt a number of people with the things that i’ve said and done, and i’ve missed many opportunities to apologize and make amends for those actions. surprisingly, i often think about how things could have gone differently if i hadn’t been quite so stubborn, or so hypocritical, or perhaps even so unnecessarily cruel. it’s a strange thing to sit back and count how many bridges you’ve burned over the years through your own twisted reasoning. i’d like to make sure that doesn’t happen again, and i’ve stated multiple times in this space that i’m using this transition period to learn. i’m not out to get anyone. i’m just really selfish sometimes. but i do think that writing me off as a douchebag is a foolish thing to do.
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