a post was recently reblogged onto my dashboard regarding the issue of coming out. in it the writer states that by staying in the closet you are “doing a disservice to yourself and our community”, that people will hate you regardless of your stature as an openly gay person or a hidden one, and that “progress does not come without sacrifice”. and if no one else is going to point out how wrong and disgusting these claims are, then i might as well.
i’ve been “out”, for all intents and purposes, since senior year of high school. i began to recognize that my sexuality was set in the way it was heading and that perhaps i should tell people about it. i didn’t stage any press conferences. i didn’t see it as a life-changing event. my family found out through the internet and i mentioned it casually to all of my friends over the period of a few months. i didn’t have anyone cut ties with me. i didn’t lose my job, my family, or anyone’s respect. i graduated later, came to new york city, and enrolled in a school that holds arguably the highest gay population of all universities in the country. i have never been the target of any large-scale homophobia, i have never had anyone close to me been offended by the person i am, and it’s been years since i’ve been called a derogatory name alluding to my sexuality. i’m fortunate in the environment i’ve grown up in. but i’m very aware that for every situation like mine, there are fifty that are completely opposite.
and this is exactly what this reblogged post fails to realize. most of the country, and most of the world, would never treat someone in the way that i’ve been treated. men and women are still put to death in a number of countries for reports of homosexuality. hundreds to thousands of hate crimes against homosexuals are reported in america every year. kids (as well as adults) are kicked out of their homes, shunned by family members, cut off by friends, and intensely bullied at school every single day for being gay. this is not an issue of “doing a disservice to yourself and our community”, and this is not an issue of “learning to love yourself”. if you have feelings for the same sex, you know. it does not necessarily mean you hate yourself, or that you enjoy living a sort of double life. you are simply more aware of your environment and the current impossibility to live in it as an openly gay man or woman. and perhaps it may even be simpler than that. perhaps now is just not the right time for you. and that’s okay. but to call that hesitation or inability to be public a disservice to our community is ridiculous. people that know how hard it is will recognize and respect your decisions and not debase you for it.
what i’m also hearing here is that, in essence, homosexuals that are in the closet are an obstacle for the “cause” of the gay community. “progress does not come without sacrifice. change does not come comfortably”. do you really think that these people are most concerned with the issues of gay marriage and equal rights, or even the gay community as a whole? do you think they were upset that they couldn’t attend the march in washington a few weeks ago? the married man with children who would lose everything that he owned. the girl from a religious family who would disown her if they knew. the adolescent boy who would get his ass kicked daily, or even killed. they have things to lose. coming out is a personal issue that has personal consequences, being out does not assert happiness, and no one should be “sacrificed” so the gay community has more ammunition for their nationwide battle.
(in an offside, if anything, those claiming that “closeted” gays are the problem should take a look at themselves. wearing a “legalize gay” shirt from american apparel does not give you leverage in the fight for rights. going to washington solely to get drunk and hook up with people the day before the march does not equate to putting your life on the line. and certainly asking that “all the people who are opposed to gay marriage and equal rights” be killed does not mean you even understand how to gain respect. instead of taking shots at those who have little to no control over their situation, use your position to do something. sacrifice something of yours for once to make change and help them.)
so if you take anything away from this, come out on your own terms. come out when you’re ready, or don’t come out at all. because the truth is, i’ve had it easy. it’s hard for most people. don’t let anyone tell you that you’re bringing shame to our community in the meantime and don’t let anyone tell you that you’re doing anything wrong. it’s your battle. fight it when you want to.
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