about

seanbateman9

I wont let you fall apart....

http://www.armpitsblog.com/




google "Jean Genet" - and get a history lesson...in how to bone down with prison mates...



About me ??
If you truly are interested I have some blog entries below - just scroll down and read a few - and yes - It is ALL true: if you would like to know more after that - just google Seanbateman9 or seanblog or both...
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Twitter - seanbateman9
seanblogs: http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/
http://marcosalchemy.blogspot.com/
http://sb9sexualhyperspace.blogspot.com/


manhunt - bleh -/seanbateman9
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youtube - seanbateman69



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On a sidenote:
the quickest way to my heart is: - either A gift of chocolate - white flowers...and or - Nine Inch Nails Tickets....and of course the gift of the gym t-shirt you just worked out in with no deoderant....

peace
SB


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SeanBlog by SeanBateman9

Cyber-Archive - Journal of Sean Bateman9 - Homo-Erotica about Guys for Guys Adult Content. No Minors Allowed.

• Michael Fitt taking off his shirt (6/30/09) [View | Hide]
• Michael Fitt 4 (5/24/09) [View | Hide]
• crystal method remix (5/17/09) [View | Hide]
• very sexy SEAN WILLIAM SCOTT in JOCKSTRAP (5/3/09) [View | Hide]
• Michael Fitt shows his hot ass! (5/3/09) [View | Hide]
• "Mike Knight" by Seanbateman9 (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  this bog is rated XXX Adults only....over 18 if you are under 18  leave this page now "Closer"                                                                                                                                                          jan 07 you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you help me I broke apart my insides, help me I’ve got no soul to sell help me the only thing that works for me, help me get away from myself I want to fuck you like an animal I want to feel you from the inside I want to fuck you like an animal my whole existence is flawed you get me closer to god some random thoughts and Mike Knight... 4-32am - crisp - clear - winter morning... random snow, dusts the streets of manhattan...reminds me of god...or something... yeah...its seems, these days -- that the larger part of my day is forgetting -- or trying to remember whether or not i took my meds... i laugh -- a kind of - sad - pitiful, doesn't it figure...sort of...laugh... like, yeah -- the meds... of course in this world -- youd need medicine to keep you alive...and of course, the medicine is killing you at the same time... chemicals...this world is all ablout the "chemicals..." the insanity and the intoxications and medications and the noise... hey -- i dunno about you bro... i finally figured it out: i lost my illusions -- ah, delusions of, well, that everything was going to be ok... a long time ago... >>>it's easier for me to remember: walk around with the concious knowledge that: no -- it's (((not))) gonna be "ok..." it's gonna be all fucked up... and your -- your gonna be,  "all fucked up" and well,  were just gonna be here together... all fucked up together.... all on this planet together... all fucked up... together... >>>>>>>pain...psychic pain... the more evolved you become...the harder your life is...bro.. and maybe someday youll really know and understand the value of "pain" here... but in the meantime: read on... ever since i can remember... life here, was about: fear... perhaps - some of you reading this have had charmed lives... like, your family didn't give a shit if you were a fag or not... or maybe:  you grew up -- surrounded by security...and feelings of safety... or something like love, mom making hot chocolate in the afternoons for you...maybe... you got some warmth: somewhere... feelings of safety... ponder that for a moment... maybe... you had a good childhood - whatever that means... it means... like -- you didn't have someone trying to pull your pants down, like, every five minutes... well, or trying to "off you" -- somehow...medicate you -- sedate you....ah, rape you.....((rape me!!...i love that song...and kurt cobain...for that matter...the good ones do -- die young right??) maybe you... grew up in some suburb where everything was so pretty and white and clean and good... like "middle america"  thats a killer...right? no. well, it didn't happen here... no, not for me -- that didn't happen... childhood is a time of fear....plain and simple...and lets face it...your subjected to all the nuerosis' of the adults around you...just sucking it up and taking notes...so when you get to be in your 30s -- well youll be addicted to all the right things...and all the wrong things....right? perefectly fucked up in a perfectly fucked up world... with a royally messed up life...just trying to be...all, :ah, perfect.... a "normal" childhood... i wasn't ever really normal and truth be told -- i don't think anyone is "normal..."  normal... ponder that... when i grew up "Normal" was actually a setting on a washing machine.... >>>normal, regular, average....the middle... just like an average joe...like a gardener. just giving the garden and flowers and plants some love and keeping away the weeds...that would be like heaven, to me... A "normal" childhood... i didn't get that bros...this is wisdom: sometimes ya --just get- what you get....and you have to say...ok. this is what i got... now what am i gonna do with it...??? instead of wishing your life away...wanting something else...right? >>>>>when i grew up -- if u knew u were a fag then basically -- u just had two choices...live in the closet or move up to hollywood and live with the fags...: in something they called the: "gay ghetto..." you could be like a hairdresser or like a faggy designer or something...and still be "out" as they say..but not like a fireman or something cool...like and still just be like a gay -- regular dude...you didn't have that choice...back then... it was complicated and extremly: "Gender specific" and kinda like living in a hellish nightmare of limitations... whatever... really, i kinda, wanted to be something...legit...right? like a journalist... or like a human being, in a factory...?? or a gardener... or Batmnan... i would have been a great lawyer... fuck yeah, i can argue my way out of evils spells thrown at me from three -- "macbeth"witches... (i realize that last line was totally random...) i don't care, it kinda fits the mood i'am in right now... totally random... yeah, fuck yeah... this is not a sad story: it's a confirmation that you can have your plan....right? and well "god" -- She -- has hers.... and once god has her plan set for you -- well then,  theres no getting out of your destiny... >>>> like I said..i wanted to be something that lived in the light... but satan, or some renegade band of dark and powerful angels, or... some "other" power that i can not access, nor fight, in this body, or this lifetime...right now, wanted something totally different...for me... i've been called: "The masterpiece of angels..." but what kind of angels...??? hehee subversion...blackness... deviance... darkness... sensuality... lust...light: in the trenches...yep: that was always my destiny... always trying to climb up into the light...and always trying to fly...perhaps like: icarus...too close to the light and then... light... another light...the black-light....a light -- that... the world doesn't recognize... the  "screaming-running-down the--hallways...in pain, too bright --- too much....light..." got that? an otherworldly light... the light that brings stares and excites the pleasure centers...and fuck no - it never mattered that my brain was bigger than theres... no... you were gonna become a sex object...!!! hows that for karma?? yeah...no matter what the fuck you did...your whole life was gonna be about sex and what you did sexually... why? because... thats your destiny... ur destiny...ponder that for a minute... the divine plan...yeah, sometimes, your "destiny" is:  to take a walk through hell... escorted by demons...the whole way... fighting the demons, and talking to the angels... and just wanting to go back "Home" to "god"... but no...look at my fucking body...look at my ass and big dick... made for sex...i was...but love? welcome to the pleasure dome... >>>>>>> my destiny: was/is to always be surrounded by heat... too much hot..:: white, white, almost black, it's soo white...>>> blinding sexual hot-white...crown chakra heat - hot -- white/bluish -- out of your body heat>>>>light... right? bathed and drowned in it... thrown at me from every angle... so much light... and so many dark rooms....and so many angels...and so many people in the dark needing to be thrown into the light... >>>>>>>>>>>> the value of darkness and isolation... light. with so much of it - that -- it screams loud in your aura... that no, your never gonna be a lawyer, or no - even a legitimate - fine artist...or anything -- like human, like that... no...to just be like an artist and be all quiet and calm and painting somehwere and getting paid... walking through hell in order for the universe to carve you into a sage....well, it doesn't pay very well...and really, can u put that on a resume...the pratical application is: well, it doesn't exist.... >>>>>>>>>> a fine artist... (i studied the greats for ten years and drew - fine art drawings and painted on a daily basis...)  everything i painted was black, and blue and red... melancholy and rage....and i tried to get a career going in a gallery or something...i really worship rothko and all the abstract expressionists, for that matter... wanted to be like them...just floating and psilling out color and emotion onto a canvas...and yeah get paid...and be respected or something... but no... i'd go to galleries...."will you look at my portfolio??" "would you be interested in showing this??" "seeing my work...??" \>>>>>>>we wanna see your dick...and ah -- ass... not your paintings.... >>>>now right now, people want to be valued for their minds--and intellects... higher thought and maybe like: divine intelligence... right ?  no. not in this world or this life or this country...nope: thats not gonna happen... the world wants big dick and big tits and ass...and bling, and cash...and big houses, and to just be jerked of...and entertained...by well, nothing...but they always want more...eye candy...but it doesn't feed your soul...and this why we are spinning toward our deaths and always want they fuck out...and taking out meds...because our sould need to be fed: and yeah -- we are all starving... starving to fix an ache in our souls... finally you realize...that people are all sucking off the same metaphorical...(is that a word?) cultural..."meth pipe"  -- so to speak and no -- they can't even recognize you or what you are... there are blind and can not see...and all they want to see if the next naked pic of your hole...right? well ok then...u want hole...here is it... the black hole of wanting...for ever and ever wanting and never even knowing what you want.... or what you need... forever in a slumber of the shadows -- entranced...plugged into the "matrix..." the world is a sleep.... they are a sleep plato's cave... looking at the shadows - but never really seeing or touching the light...the light inside... the light... outside... you try to tell them that love is not fear...or try to remove their shackles...their mental bondage: well -- forget it... you have to really just fucking throw them into the light and kinda burn them.... throw them into the pool of god...and give them their wake - up call...right?? >>>> truly: if the "savior" of the planet or even your life... walked right up to you...>>>even money says that: youd bludgeon him/her to death...right then and there....for healing you... and for daring to give you love or the "real" version of it...which is of course, to wake you the fuck up...from your delicate, toxic slumber...of unconiousness....sp? >>>do you like this painting of mine...all blue and muted and nice...??? i always wanted to be a porn star.... >>>>>>>>>>>> finally, yeah i got something i wanted.... mr. sex object...yeah -- it does -- it turns me on...to know theres a thousand guys right now jerking off to pics of me in cyber-space...fuck yes!!! hard bones everywhere loking at  my pics...all the guys thinking what they would do with me and my big dick...and the pleasure we all could have... sex object -- ponder that one... sex object.... hey, don't feel sorry for me... yeah i wanted to be a normal -- fucking dude, with a truck and ah like a girlfriend...and a dog..."c'mere, scruffy..." but no...nope, as hard as i tried: everytime i looked at a guy -- i got a knot in my ass and a lump in my throat...and the only thing i wanted to do was fall to  my knees and worship his light and masculinity and male beauty...and i love men, and the way they smell and feel and fuck me and kiss me...yep: in this world thats called: queer...man on man sex and love... thats what your punished for...because your dick gets hard and your heart goes soft when you look at another guy... punishment... ponder that... punished because of what you feel... don't fell sorry for me.... sex object... punishment.... feelings... love.... >>>>>>>>>>>>> ur destiny..... i'am (just) saying that: what we are, in this lifetime and in this particular incarnation...screams so loud that yeah... i don't think we can change alot of it...most of it...all of it...??? look i shake hands with a guy: guess what? the grin on my face says: "big dick here...bro... wanna see it?" >>>it's in my aura... thats my destiny...to make thousands of men happy...with my big dick...and finally i'am saying to myself -- ok -- allright then -- sure -- why not ?? ya know what...why the fuck not??? yep -- i'am and i admit it: i'am fucking walking porn.... porn...my dick arrives five minutes before i do...the sound of my voice and the way my body smells...like a fucking hot orgy locker --room...i swear, men would kill to get a whiff of my pits...my  bros -- they come over just to smell my pits.... my pits: they ((always)) smell like: pure hot -- hercules...spartacus... kinda warm/hot man funk sex....thats right... it's in my aura, man... it's even in my smell... i was made to be gang banged...in a jock strap...one by one --on down the line... i was created by gay renegade angels.... yep.... "The masterpeice of angels..." ??? had to be gay angels -- right... i hate them for making me -- and i love them for making me...but they did make me, and well, here i'am... I can't really die and i'am not sure how to live... >>>>> life is funny and amusing if nothing else... as they say:  life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think...or was that the other way around? >>> so, years ago -- carrying around my portfolio, and showing curators, and gallery owners my wares, i somehow -- always ended up in the basement, of said galleries, ah -- hearing the same thing: which was something akin to:  "yeah -- this would look alot better with your pants down..." >>>>>>>>>>> although -- one photo of mine was choosen to be in the "Curators choice" at the gay art foundation in nyc... the permanent collection...ah...but,  ah, >>>>>>>>> it's a photo of my dick, of course.... >>>>>>>> >>> I came from money... thats funny - is it not...? that expression... I came from money... hahaaa yep, sure did... and everything was scrubbed and clean and new...and ah, well, cost alot of money...where i came from... but no, that didn't mean i was happy....just because we had money... happiness... ponder that  -"candyland" "molasses swamp" of logic for a moment..."Why aren't you "Happy"" no...sorry--->>> money cant you love -- but...it does buy cocaine...and hustlers for that matter...so who cares??? money.... ponder that one -- for a minute... if money weren't the issue.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> what money buys: pause.... >>>>>>>>>> new valium prescriptions for mom...of course... and  seven new boats for dad...two pool boys, and three gardeners...and a full time mechanic...and ah -- one lonely, dark son -- in the corner writing poetry and ah..."Weird" stories... but i was wearing "polo" blazers and khakis and cole haan loafers...right? >>>my mother screams... "Why can't you be like the other boys...((Damien)))" ??? they had a fucking -- little gay "witch" and budding "porn star" on their hands... for chrissake... the other boys... yeah...so help me god this is true... one afternoon...i lined them all up -- on the side yard of our house...and well, made all of them pull down their pants... like in a "line up" and looked all their (adolescent)  butts...to see which one i liked the best... ((i was 10 years old at that time...)) wow - a boy "dominatrixx" at age ten... my poor mother....god bless her...the shit she had to put up with...like five phone calls from the other mothers, whoose kids came running home, crying:  "Sean made me pull down my pants...and he looked up my butt..." hehehe  "mom, they liked it.. was all i could confess..." yeah my poor mom...what do you do with a kid like that?? in like 1970...? it got worse... yep -- there i was...16 years old, writing "weird" ((sex)) stories and all glazed over in pain and fear and all that light... the perfect "OC" shade of light emanating from my lost and far away -- "nobody home" glazed over -- glossed over stare, that the world craves in it's wounded and incested and ultra-wealthy-priveldged...youth... >>>>>>>>>>>>fuck...more coffee...hang on... ok I'am rambling...ah, i just woke up... and ah - no... i can't remember where I'am in my med course... >>>>i think i'll take the --"Anti-Seizure" med right now...god forbid i should tell my doc that,...those little red pills get me so fucking high i can't even see straight, ...no i would never tell her that -- because if i did, of course she'd change it, and switch me to something else... >>>>>>>>> side effects... ponder that one..for a minute... you take a pill because you can't sleep... >>>>>>> then you take a pill because you can't wake up... and then you take a pill...because your going to die...and of course, the pill is actually killing you... all the while -- it is saving your life.... ponder that... >>>>>>>>>>>>> the worst sin here, in this lifetime,, is to enjoy your life... thats a fact, or to be free: and everyone wants to enjoy life and be free, and the minute that you hint at -- or let on that -- that maybe -->>>youve gotten close to that...to being "Free..." well it's a dog-pile...  of all your closest sp? friends telling you -- to -- change everything... or something... yeah, theres something wrong with you... and were going to find out what it is...and fix you.... because your living under the delusion that life might be worth living or that somehow you've escaped... ponder the metaphor//allegory? :of "plato's" cave story...for a minute... >>>you free yourself and walk out into the light... and then you return to tell all your kindreds -- that... "hey - i got free and got away...from the chains -- in the cave and theres light out there...follow me...it's really cool out there - in the light and it's real...the "shadows..." on the cave walls are not real...they are indeed, just shadows..." well, of course they are going to tear you limb from limb.... why ? because --- (((i love you...))) because they are so comfortble being ---trapped... of course...trapped and limited: to fly is scary... to be away from the "pack..." is frightning... and this - >>>to be free: out there alone>>> that is -- free and unlimited ---: is, to be a "god..."  here... release them..they will not thank you -- no they won't... tell them or try to set them free...and they surely will pull you back into the cave and re-chain you to the wall...or medicate you so heavily that well, your not even going to be able to talk...enough to tell anyone the truth... am i making sense...? yet? >>>stop making sence...sense... >>>>> >>>age 12 -- wrote a suicide note: got sent to a shrink... >>>age 16 - wrote a love letter about my uncle...he was a marine, actually, blonde and blue eyed and buffed... got sent to a shrink... age 24 -- got sent away to an asylum..for admitting that i wanted to end my life...during a "Co-dependancy rehab..." (in ah.. of all places...pennsylvania...) which is a whole nother sp? story... age 27: all my friends were either dead or dying... told a social worker i was in grief...and angry... (a real --"blonde" suburban cunt...)  yeah -- >>>>> got sent to a shrink... i dunno - life is like a series of... (hey guess what??   i'am not in 20s anymore, so ---  i can make declarative statements, like that...now: about "life" >>> ive got experience...and lived --alot -  i can say things like.."life is like this..." yeah, sure can fucker... ive all ready lived about ten lives... ten lifetimes... and yeah all ready been dead five times and had three major breakdowns...((ah, break-throughs...)) all in this tiny -- "on fire" with rage and funky -- ((sex- smell)) fucked up ((sex)) stories...embedded...in this: my body -- my flesh>>>my blood-life-energy...aura..  and psyche body of mine -- now covered with 20 tats (and counting) to commorate the milestones of my lifehere... no --  it doesn't seem "real" actually...seems all like a dream.. a wet dream - of course.... ...but suffice to say...alot has happened and yeah...just like an old vampire..who wanders the material world for eons and eons... ok?  perhaps switching bodies or personaes on occasion... well, i've seen it all -- yeah four times...bro...seen it all ... yeah, every man in need, rich and poor:  looking up to me...on his knees...and deep into his soul... and i (almost) always kiss them -- right before they suck my cock...and i say: i love you... >>>>>>>>>>>>> ok man, where was i??? i forgot what i was saying.... not that it mattered at all: but since your still reading this, hehee -- well, then i'll continue...on now... where were we? feelings....i love you.... love.... yeah --  i don't really think i'am human...anymore... and not quite a "god" yet: soo - then, what am i?? angels: "Please tell me what i'am and why you made me???" >>>>>>>>>>> my destiny: to be a god among mortals...something called the: "Bonerage"...a renegade angel....an "eolhim"...of sorts... the shinning one...walking among the humans...because i see everything... can see into men's souls and know there ache... humans.... to be human...and have that ache...that nobody undertands... and if you look into my eyes: you always know that i understand...thats what "hustlers" do...they take away the "ache..." the ahce... ponder that.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> everytime i acted like a "human" and did something perfectly logical...A plus B equaled C - in most cases... yeah i got carted off to a shrink... fucking shrinks bro... oh -- you don't fit in...??? your not :normal...??? having trouble -- "fitting in..." then i guess your going to the shrink... wanna talk back? -- yeah, your going to the doctor... wanna tell us how fucked we are...?  yeah  ah, guess what -- your getting medicated... your getting some "treatment..." ah yeah, for your -- belligerence... or your "curable" >>>>>...homosexuality... or for your refusal to deform yourself... and become -- "just like us..." scared--- and trapped... >>>>>>>>>>>> normal....not normal... "your not normal..." and not like -- "the other boys..." >>>>>>>>>>your going to the shrink... for the fact that your "Strange..." or different...or something ah---special..yeah we don't have time for anything that might wake us the fuck up and rouse up from our sleep - walking ((fucked - up -- nuerotic lives -- in pursuit of the material world...) lives.... and make us realize or confront anything : like : "God..." >>>>>>>>>>>"your going to the shrink... "it's for you own good..."  thats a riot!  i love that one....for your own good.... and yeah...:"Were trying to help you..." ah, >>>>"we love you...."  "were trying to help you...." >>>help me --  what? commit suicide??? god.... god -- something alive and pure and transforming... something beautiful and fresh... ??? i dunno... i was -- 12 years old and sitting in front of a lone candle... with my eyes closed... meditating:  even before i had read the teachings of Lao tszu...sp? or about the taoist immortals... or even the  "ascended masters" or a place called: shambala... or nirvana... or of: jivanmukta's...or even of jinanis..  sp? or of the: bonerage or even the "Elohim..." anyway... row - row - row your boat...gentley down the stream... yeah the beautiful dream of life... strange... ((just sit tight..here - i'll get to the raunchy "sex part" of the story...-- i promise...)) >>>>>>> the shrink: yeah - your going to the doctor, cuz theres something "wrong" with you...cuz...you don't fit in... your going to the "Shrink..." ponder that one...the "Shrink..." hahaha! i'am laughing my ass off...right now -- ah, my head off -- my shrunken head....off, of course.... right off >>>>>>>>>> "ok look at these ink blots and tell me what you see??" >>>>>>>>> the ink blots... ink blots:  the first time i saw the ink blots...i laughed... "are you fucking kidding me...??? "you want me to look at ink blots...?   i don't "see" anything... i see ink...on a white piece of paper..." >>>>>>>>> talk about a fucked up way to get someone to conform... conform... to the worlds mental illness... insanity... menatal illness...take your meds... >>>>>>yeah the world is mentally ill... surprise... yep..... wake up... yep...to the whole fucked up mess... everyone is mentally ill...here...the world is mentally sick... and all of it's systems are - ah, mentally ill... and all of the governments are - ah, mentally ill... and a world that pretends to be so full of "god" and good...and light >>>> will actually kill and destroy anything that is really, like..."god...' right? and when they say: it's because "we love you" ...or  "do it for jesus..." well, you get a whole nother idea of what the world calls...love... and love here...in this reality...bro --  you dont, fucken want it... trust me... when someone says to you --"i love you..." run the other way.... when they say that..."i love you...." what they really mean is:  "i will do everything in my power to fucking kill you..." and trap you...and maim you and ah, punish you... >>>it means -- they hate you ---  "yeah, take your shit and get the fuck out...!!!" how mant times have i heard that one...or said it myself... yeah... yeah -- man -- "i love you" --  man... "love you -- mean it -- " heheee it really means: stay with me here, trapped as i 'am...and put on these handcuffs...and well die together, suffocating each other...one (toxic) day at a time... i love you -- i promise.... right ? >>>>>>>>>>>> ah -- perspective... no -- you can't.... >>>>one does not get the perspective --- my perspective... on things, until yeah, you've roamed the heavens and the earth for eons, like a vampire...for - ever and have seen all the crimes; (of humanity) an of love and all the pain and fear... and rage....that looks like love... the entire world -- built on lies and rage and fear...and love: but then -- boom: it all falls down ...breaks apart...and the center -- does not hold... and once youve seen thnigs breaking apart...like your mind or your world...or your heart....breaking -- down  then you realize that humanity is basically: simply: totally: mentally ill...or ah, just royally -- fucked up... and dis-eased and toxic and well, ah, fucked up...bro... and it will always be fucked up and no - it will never, ever be: "not fucked up..." is that clear enough for you...? doc...? ink blots... my doc to me:  "do you ever "see" things...ah, things that aren't there...?" "well, ((ass-wipe)) how can i see them -- if there, --  not...ah, not "there" - doc??" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ink blots... well... what do i see? in this blob of ink??  -- on this piece of white paper...?  ok bro...i'll play the game... because if i don't play your game then i'am--- "severely -- disturbed..." right? then i'am: "manic and refuse to fit in...and somewhat --"depressed..." right?? "Depressed and severley disturbed..." official diagnosis... age 16 and ah -- age 26...and ah..."neurotic..." with "severe behavioral problems..." age 35... "inability to accept "reality"...." age 40... reality....: is..... reality --  is bullshit...man... and no your not gonna trap me ever again....in your giant -- human, mind-fuck -- a rama...pal...nope -- never again.... maybe it's time that you, doctor --   "take the meds...." can't aqccept "reality"  but whoose reality are we talking about ?? the hellish one that -- your creating and sucking the world into  ----- buying???? the greed is good, build bombs, buy things, rape me and send all the young -- beautiful boys to war...to get their heads blown off, you need to be medicated because your different, and not mr. hetero---consumer -- reality...bro-- ???? is that reality that i can't accept??? >>>>>if i'am the "devil" to a world that allows 12 year olds to be fucked by preists in the name of god...or loves and lives for violence...and ah, plastic surgery, and mindless entertainment...and toxic food...add to the list-- then ah yeah fuck yeah...i guess i'am the devil.... and pretty damm proud to be that... the world's dark angel.... a demon to all the world's religious "right" who would slit my throat and sleep like a baby afterwards...saying amen...after the deed was done... then yeah -- here i'am...telling the  masses: hey guess what? "god" is no where near a church...and hasn't been there -- >>>>>>>>>forever... the messiah...means: the annointed one... >>>>>>>>> the habitrail of insanity...greed and rape... reality...whoose reality??? >>>>>>>>> your done...u white -- dead - inside, dinosuars...you stale fucking, putrid, wreeking of death, zombies.... on the air-waves...you will not rape my mind...nor my body, nor make me -- kneel to your "god" -- of fear.... and for this i will be torn -- limb from limb...>>>>>>>> life begins at 40>>>>>>>>>>>> age 40...i walk off the path...after my fifth near death experience... i leave the world -- to it's own devices...i turn off the tv and sit alone....i go off: the habitrail of insanity... and into the jungle of nothingness... into the cosmos of god... and let the fuck go...and well, fall into the bowels of back rooms and sex clubs and emerge to become: an angel to the lost --->>>>> a porn star -- of sorts... finally meeting my destiny...to help the soul-sick... the lost children...commanding the elements... fully aware of my power and light... i emerge as: a shaman.... a sexual shaman....no less.... life begins at 40...indeed...it does... 40 i awoke...roamed the heavens...and laying in a hospital bed... watching a "portal" open up...as i was about to die....yep... and boom...it all became clear.... enlightenment... age 45... clarity......... ((realizing everything was and is "bullshit"  ((see "plato'plato"s cave...above")) life is like:............ god is like....heaven is like... i know what heaven is like...been there three times... and twice to hell..... decided to come back to earth.... ink blots----------->>> what do you see??? ok Sean... >>>>>>>>>now, look at these ink blots and tell me what you see.... ok... ink blots... "ok doc...what do i see ?" I see: blood everywhere... i see: insanity and pain... I see: people who are dead and dying and have no souls... I see: moeny and ah, dead people.... i see: a shrink that totally insane and quite (mentally) ill... ah.... i see: fear..... >>>>>>>>>> "your son is deeply disturbed...i'am afraid...." >>>>>> what really happens when a budding - sarcastic, psychic, enlightened>>>16 year old budding homosexual with the soul of a sage and the dick of a porn star starts to realize:  "It's all bullshit...and ah, your just mad at me cuz well, i'am smarter than you..."  >>>>> yeah ---- you can medicate me and my libido but really,  it's just going to incite me to become -- something even stronger and more powerful.... i'll just get stronger and louder and more powerful...and i'll get away....i'll run away, theres got to be someplace where i can shine and live and not fit in and hide all at the same time.... yeah... manhattan....here i'am.... i'am not gonna die...i'll go back to earth and live -- because heaven won't take me and hell couldn't hold me.... it all just made me stronger.... they all tried to kill me -- i lay in a hospital bed, shrunken and dying...my skin peeling away, my light fading, but then -- my human life passed away....i began to shine...and my body grew strong again...the angels did not want me to go... i was going to die...i was supposed to die... i kinda did die -- and then was re-born.... >>>>>>>>>i didn't die....it all just made me stronger.... beautiful and powerful...and knowing... >>>>>>>>>>> "what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger" thank you -->>>...albert camus... stronger ---  and well, smarter...and you, well, you doc?? your just gonna get more toxic...aren't you bro...??? see ya in hell...man... with your ink blots... >>>>>>> go ahead and tell a doctor - a shrink when  your 16 to go to hell....and, that you see blood, and insanity -- everywhere... in a series of ink blots....(hehehe) fuck him... blood and murder and rape...everywhere... >>>>>deeply disturbed...??? yeah -- yes i'am...and why aren't you ?? deeply disturbed.... ((have you watched the 6 o clock news lately....?)) my first shrink... like i said: fuck him.... what a sick fuck he was -- bad breath and bad dandruff and all..fuck him -- twice...yep... probably shaking the priests hand at communion on sunday, just before he greased up his cock to slid it into a line up of chior boys...yeah baby ...taking it up the ass -- for "jesus" -- of course... and then going home and jacking off to porn imported from Sweden, the kind with 12 year olds in it... ((this was before the internet...when you actually had to "buy" porn....right?  when it was an actual...magazine...)) anyway... sex object.......... >>>yeah i got caught having sex with the gardner... and the pool boys and ah, the mechanic...and ah yeah, my uncle... oops - thats not supposed to happen...right? sucking off -- the  staff...the butler and the chauffuers and the    guy that brings the flowers every week... 16 years old...all ready -- almost? a sex addict... or a sex god -- or just a god -- or something...knowing and full of rage and -- genius...and a pretty twisted sense of reality... to the maid:  "if you don't leave me alone...i'll tie you up and put you in the closet....ok man -- no fuck off...and get out..." actually -- i really liked her....... 16 going on 17...(an empty page that men will want to write on...)  my vocabulary was like that of a college professor... where is he learning those words??? (((we need a dictionary to talk to our son....))) yeah -- i was smarter than them -- than all of them... and they didn't like that... like i said: fuck them.... the smirk on my face always said the same thing:  "fuck you...i'am smarter than you are..." "your pathetic and your life is pathetic..as well..." "your insignificant and i'am insignificant and none of this really matters..." go ahead,  tell your shrink that, when your 16 years old.... and see what the fuck happens//>>>>>>> tell the truth and get the punishment...just like jesus... "I'am afraid...your son is: deeply disturbed..." >>>>>>>>>>the truth... they will try to wear you down: into submitting to their will... into being "Toxified" and terrified..and full of fear...and just as fucked up and neurotic as them... doing exactly to your kids what you had done to you... right...??? and so it goes... 16 years old and trapped in the 70s... 16 going on 17...((innocent as a rose...totallly unprepared am i to face a world of  --- men....)) wicked grin...(sound of music...) 16...going on 17... i got my drivers license and went straight to hollywood boulevard...to see the  prositutes...yep - sure did... 16 going on 99... one side of my psyche...full of wanton - and unapologetic... butt-fuking lust and wanting... the other: pocessing the eyes that have seen god... and enlightened... seen god: of course...five times now...and yeah always... "near death..." what is life?: if not a long -- near-death...experience... ??? >>>>>>>>>>>> mike knight... the perfect example of what happens when you become adjusted, well adjusted to a sick society, no, thats not a judgment call, just a statement of fact... he was the epitome...of: the mask of (in)sanity... so to speak... they  got to mike and yep -- they mind-fucked poor mike... mike knight...senior vp -- for global investment...raking in around a mill a year...he was perfect...he was:  the perfect looking man, with the perfect apartment, and the perfect hair-do...and the perfect wardrobe... and the perfect ass...for that matter...and as destiny would have it: me and mr. mike would meet, one evening...late...very late...on the street...a date with destiny... the dark angel and mr perfect... nobody gets to me by mistake...no - they don't - you cross my path: it means your entire existence is going to be transformed... ut means your ready to be set free: thats what i'am and thats what i do...your own personal "sin eater..." mike knight...: the absolute epitome of everything this world respects and worships... he was about to confront his other side... his mask was about to break off -- bit by bit and piece by piece... mike knight -- perfect in every way... he had everything - he had it all...except his soul... there was nowhere for mike to go...except to his knees, in front of me... "you wanna come upstairs?" he asks me on the street...and smiles a perfect smile... "ahh.. yeah sure..." i smile....kind of innocent...yeah - and coy....fuck yeah..."sure..." ((i was low on blood anyway...) "yeah sure..." wink -- wink... mike knight: i'am sure to him i was just another -- "rough trick" hed use up -- suck the life out of and then discard and throw away.... heheee..........no not this time... in manhttan @ 4-20am on the street you never know who your dealing with....right? we walk into the door... of his perfect apartment...with the perfect dog - of course, and the perfect couch...and the perfect hallway, with too much light...and pulls out a vile...of white powder and graces the perfect marble counter with a perfect line and well, perfectly sucks it up his nose...a satisfied grin on his face looking at me like -- i'am some kind of appetizer at nobu...that he will soon eat and then forget.... to the  ultra-rich -- you are something to be amused by and played with for awhile...i know this first hand...trust me... >>>>the mask of sanity.... ponder that one... >>>>>>>>>> i could always see into people's souls... or see through -- their mask's...and had no problem telling them  what i saw.... "take your meds..." yeah...right... seeing into men's souls....@ 4am in midtown manhattan.... knowing --- the  curse off "knowing..." my other curse is: (of course) is: to be the proud owner of an exxtra thiick 8 inch dick, of course...waving it all around in everyone's face...and saying...: you can't have it...bro... well, maybe... maybe -- hehee  you can suck it..and maybe you can even fuck me... yeah, you can have my ass,  but ah..well:  youll never have "me".... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> pause...mike knight... the masks we wear... the one thats says we are pure and innocent and full of light... innocent -- : the "good" one... thats the mask -  mike knight was wearing the night we met.... but i saw through it -- because -- i loved him.... i looked beyond  the moeny and the apartment...andhis million dollar smile...and saw what was really there...what was really behind  his cocaine addiction and sex addiction and fear and ambition...and success...panic, and rage and fear... >>>>>>help me.... this is why i'am a "god" here...in this reality -- because i know that money is not going to fix it... boy do i know that... if i don't know anything,  i sure do -- know that... any really -- nobody else can see that -->>>>>>>> the world can't see that -- but i can... when people see a piece of paper framed on the wall..or a red tie and white shirt and a blue blazer, they think: money and money in america means -- good...and sanity... and god and "right..." and if your a shrink then of course, your mentally healthy -- right? i mean you must be...right? like i said: fuck him and fuck them all.... those toxic -- sick fuckers...who murder and steal money and fuck 12 year old boys...and call themselves "god..." and good... i know them and  what they are... >>>>> we all could have saved alot of time if my mother would have gone to the shrink and dealt with her own homophobia... but thats a whole nother therapy session.... pause... right??  sorry -- that was the 70s... back then: oh...your a fag?  yeah -- back then -- if you were dumb enough, to admit or ah, get caught...ah, doing it....with the pool boy...add to the list : then yeah -- you were considered: "mentally ill..." "your going to sunday school...your  going to bible camp...your going to church..." connect the dots... thats right -- >>>singing in the chior... i was the favorite - in the choir...of course... for jesus....amen... thats a good boy...yeah -- just like that...good boy...for jesus... >>>>>>>>>>>> the mask of sanity...  google that and youll get some interesting reading... the mask... you can be a murderer - in this country -- or even be a high level ranking military officer or senator or whatever... but as long as you go on Tv and say: "I didn't -- do it..." and your wearing a brook's brother suit... well... as long as you look innocent in america... then you are innocent... as long as you face is white: of course... and you have the money to hire the right lawyers then... yes ! fuck yes...your innocent and ah,  "Good"  right ...?? ((come to think of it -- oj's face is not white...)) anyway... >>>>>>>>>> the mask of sanity...or having fun when you've got alot of money and how to break the law...and get away with it... >>>there couldn't possibly be anything  sinister happening  in a church -- it's a house of: god.... right?  >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> god and money: the things of this world... money... the rich are innocent.... and as we all know --- they never lie...(they never have gay sons either - for that matter...) presits never fuck 14 year old boys and --  god is money and -- money is god...if and if have money then your good and god...and if your in the church your good and god... yeah....ok... love is hate and hate is love...and the meds your taking are going to kill you faster than the original dis-ease... that really, you never had in the first place... but how else were we going to get you addicted to all --  all the ((pretty) meds ((with pretty sounding names)) and all the side effects... and siphon...sp? off  your lifeforce... and basically kill you... pause... for money -- of course... in the name of jesus...of course -- amen... and  god bless america.... rape me.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> what is god??? god is gentle... god is creative... god doesn't murder...does he? does she? or is god just an energy -- raging and perfect and surging... and everything..the love and the kindness and the murder and earth and blood and sky and blue flowers... and light snow coating the basket ball court across the street from my apartment in hells kitchen??? ???? emanations of light... projections of light... transforming...light... particles of light... we are.... light.... like a movie projector...projecting light...and manifesting bodies...to ah, explore, on the material planes... and yeah we love blood and violence and drama...and death and dis-ease.... right?  because if we didn't then we wouldn't create so much of it...and then broadcast it 24 hours a day... on the TV....yep...inter-s-pursed with a million drug commercials... telling you that there is something wrong with you... of course...serving up the dis-ease of the hour.... here bro: here is the dis-ease of the day ...and:  heres the cure...by  the way... just ask you doctor... who, really is not a doctor at all but actually --  more like a drug pusher.... or a great salesman... cashing in on your un-happiness...and dis-ease...however it manifests.... not happy??? ah -- we need to medicate you and your pain.... and make you "happy..." cuz if your not "Happy..." then something is wrong... right? >>>>>>>>> particles of light... quantum mechanics... there is an infinite amount of outcomes... at any given minute...all played out...into a million different realities...just take you pick.... the psychic -- multiplex...cinema of the mind and light and shadow.... fuck i think i took  my meds twice..... >>>>>>>>>>> particles of light... we are all, just particles of light... a giant tv screen, of particles... of lap top -- desk top, sequences of numbers that light up in a certain way...and well. kind of --  walk around...amnifesting bodies as that light... we are particles of light... simple molecules....of light...of god... of energy.... of love....? >>>everything breakdown to particles... and guess what - when you break down the particles and look inside them - they are basically -- nothing... we are basically nothing... but vapors of light... yeah kinda like -- no -- just like - that --- in the "matrix..." movies... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>we are numbers...on a key-board...a giant "Simms" program...particles of energy, beign directed by a supreme being or not...programs...or programmed....to do something....and  yeah, theres no getting out of your destiny... is there? check out...the myth of sysiphiis... sp? if everything is pre-destined...then why live at all...? it should be noted here that the so called: "Existentialists" all committed suicide....btw...well most of them...like albert camus... >>>>>>>>>>>>> mike knight...and the pleasure model... one of the most toxic people i have encountered...yeah... and yeah he had a big dick also and a hot ass...which he shoved a "bump" of coke into -- in the bathroom...right after he found his black jock strap...in the pile of dirty clothes... in a closet full of "thomas pink" -- ((350.00$) shirts and "Armani" 2000.00$ dollar suits... mr. knight was a high level...banking executive...there he was -- 4am -- ass in the air...a bump of coke up his ass and a bottle of poppers to his nose...ready to get fucked...in his 2500.oo dollar a mont apartment...and there i was... a kind of gay...dirty harry...shaman...hustler...doctor of the soul...ready to take mr. knight down to the bowels of hell and take his demons...out and bring him face to face with them... yeah...hey guess what...i'am gonna show you your own self --hatred...and i'am gonna do it -- with my dick up your ass...and while i'am fucking you...i'am gonna make you cry --  by asking you... "Tell me how much you fucking hate yourself...to be getting fucked like a pig...on the floor...you are so beautiful...and look at yourself...why are you trying to destroy yourself...you have everything  but you have nothing -- do you bro? your just a scared little boy that wants to get fucked by daddy...well, here i'am...say it-- : fucker...I wanna hear you say how much you hate yourself...!!! (i'am fucking him harder now as i yell that at him...)) say it fuck head...you want my load...? is that what you want...? bare-backing  at 5am -- all high on coke....gonna go to the office in three hours and put together another banking deal...that will make sure people like you get more and more and that people like me will get less and less? is that it fucker?? i wanna hear you say that i'am your god...and that my dick..is your god and that you worship the ground i walk on..." and that you hate yourself...because you need me...and my darkness..." the guy broke...while i was fucking him and began to cry...and the two worlds met...crashing together...the two personaes...collided...the  one that wore the black jock strap and the one that wore the 350.00 dollar shirt...and his insanity cracked and his mask feel to the floor... wake up... he was sobbing...and i loved him....for that \ yeah to do that for him... give him "therapy" like that.... pull off his shackles and yank him into the light -- out of platos cave - like that... (((clear mind and clean body...))) i cant shake that bro... of all the guys ive done things for: mike knight... there was something about him... i dunno... i'am the transformer...basically thats my job here... to simply transform things... like your mind, like other people's thoughts, and maybe even the world...i dunno... morpheus... maybe i'am -- something like, "the one..." i certainty was: "the one..." for mike knight... his "transformer..." thats for sure... yep. after me -- he'd never be the same...again... wasn't the kindest -- "wake up" "call" i ever did,  but ah...you fit the "medicine" to the patient...right? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> more coffee - and fuck i think no -- i'am sure that  i took my "anti-seizure" meds twice... well one thing is for sure today... i def, will not have a seizure.... today... right ? hold that thought.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> your a special case..... i love that expression... "special case..." ponder that one for a minute.... mike knight was a special case... and what a hole he had...awesome... one of the finest...and yeah he asked for it so i gave it to him...a hot thiick creamy load up his ass... "descent into madness..." heheee.... being a "dark-angel" is a dirty business, but yeah somebody has got to do it...and that would be me...thats my destiny.... destiny.... ponder that one... >>>>>>>>>>>>>born to die and dying to be re-born... full of dis-ease...when dis-ease is not really, real... miracles.... if your dis-ease disappears..then it's called: a miracle... right? but what if you simply -- just realized that all dis-ease isn't real...and that "god" was everywhere... and that yeah...everything was -- "beautiful..." then what?? and that even the darkness was god... and that "god" was the darkness... not the darkness alone -- but yeah was also -- the darkness and that pain was beautiful... and too much light can kill you... yep, it sure can bro... it's killing you right now...and you don't even know it... it was killing mike knight...but i saved his soul.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> a breakdown... so really now - what is a "breakdown" except your inability to continue to "fit in" to a mentally ill system... a rejection of all the suppressions... >>>>>>>> and yeah, what if: you just let it all -- come "out"  finally... yeah go ahead...let it all out...and bled off the pressure... thats right baby...just let it out... and i'am gonna hold you while you do it...right  here, in my arms, i'am gonna give you "love..." real love... yeah it hurts to know that someone loves you -- doesn't it? pain feels good because were used to it..but love -- real love...when someone gives it to you...fuck shit oh my god... it hurts... like oxygen...to the suffocating...you breathe... for the first time...and realize...you've been a sleep -- all this time.... a new heaven on earth --- so to speak.... and yeah -- welcome...to the "real" world.... >>>>>>>>> the real world...ponder that one.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> the first rule of becoming and  being immortal: or having eternal life: first you have to die... ponder that one.... and by the way... i love you.... Sean

• "Halloween parts one and two" by Seanbateman9 for seanblog (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  Wednesday, August 30, 2006 halloween one year ago. there was intent. 3am. the beast comes out to play... the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting... the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company. all the demons and fragments feed upon each other... i formed a plan to get away... this was my last chance -- i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug... i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win... everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero... is about a person going for their dream... this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen... on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was... the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction. the dream, the prize was to be free -- and thats always the prize... to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it.... have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan... and slowly i began -- this entailed: i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%, i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world... i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean... the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity. i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan. if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else... i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough... slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely.... and this is what i set out to do... but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash... my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning... all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ??? i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited... tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for.... one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle... my soul grew warm. my body cried in pain... there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain... there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold.... >>>>>>> the pressure begins... the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies. in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease... repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic... i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization... an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world... i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent. in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough. i'd have to leave manhattan... deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run... i would lose everything...could lose everything... the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next... without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified... an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing... the volume gets turned up higher... something is wrong with my body... i'am not sleeping at night. and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten. my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs... one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down... iam headed for a breakdown i can tell... no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea... my body refuses to hold any food... iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away... my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack... my fortieth birthday approaches. my goals and dreams are slipping away. i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me. the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away... the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note... i have failed to find a partner in life... Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me... i'am far away. i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid. got into the right gallery... maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem... if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun... right then and there... i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself... it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again. the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me... she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate... how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist... she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it. the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college... the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ? she won't give me money because i'am gay... 3am. every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force. i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs. in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed. I fall into despair... cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes... i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain... trapped. i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long. and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine... the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me. sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering... i'am being tested to my very core... the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face... i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes: "let go or be dragged..." it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open... but there was more... i begin to contemplate suicide. every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time. how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares. my world is falling apart. how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity... every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel. kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade. >>>>>>>>>>>> i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years... she suddenly re-appears out of the blue. "it's mommy." i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere. "where have you been?" i inquire. "nevermind..." nevermind...that was the corker... "now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..." thanks for sharing that. my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment. pause. "no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed. to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does... pause. i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation... "what do you want??" "i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..." "is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever... i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow. "well - i thought id tell you that..." the tip of the ice berg...here we go... the cracking of the glacier of questions forming... the match to the dynamite. to the gasoline...the explosion... the pause before it all blows up... pause... i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next: i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider: she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment... i was abducted by aliens... iam a big porn star....!! i want to help you... "jesus is coming!" i want to repay all the years ive been gone. i was in a cult that tortured me... i worked for the CIA.... i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..." your the son of a king... no. she continues... "i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??" pause. i inhale deeply. "yes." "well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..." boom! >>>>>>>>>> "i'am gay..." pause. "i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..." pause. "i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..." "so are you talking to jesus?" she asks... <> i think to myself... are you talking to jesus...? "yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi." i light another cigarette. pause. "your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...." long pause... click. i hang up... >>>>>>>>> a poor man will give birth to a millionaire... the christian man will give birth to a rebel... the rich man will bring forth the artist the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot... and now i know what iam --- the love child of a doctor and a witch... i'am a doctor and a witch. I'am a doctor and a witch... I'am a healer. the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance... let go or be dragged... let go and be dragged... whomp- there it is! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> medicate the pain... the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace... a bloody mary would be sooo good right now -- some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel... my sober plan? get laid and chain smoke. the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> halloween in manhattan. the crucible has begun. the gauntlet coming... "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..." "what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..." I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body... tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones... but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget... i command the forces of the universe to my corner... lets go fucker... stop tapping me - stop trying to hit me and hit me ! the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla... i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles... citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!! i wait for the counter punch... whoosh -- the beast flies away...for now. no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus... there will be nothing left... until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity... sex and death.... death and re-birth.... until then iam only happy when it rains... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call. the battle cry. one mother. one father. three sets of parents... my birth mother: italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions... mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations... my birth father: medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes... the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman? most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..." i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better... all the while my father looking at her with those eyes... a question answered...where did you get those eyes?? >>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest, a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star... a teen idol.... an ascendant master?? the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee: if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power. the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen. >>>>>>>>>>>>> my step mother: british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex. my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german. obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious. my adopted parents... the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer. mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking. loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail... mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college... around her i felt at home... she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer. i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together. her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents... i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one... destined to wander and learn. to become all of them... they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me... i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy. full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned... i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all... each one powerful in their own way... i took everything they gave me. i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart. my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love... a new breed... sometimes your destiny chooses you... and all of this on my head each day...and yet: after the game the king and pawn go into the same box... may god's will be done: see me... feel me... touch me... heal me... my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it... this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way... but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry.... the beast would return to me and soon enough... if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day... if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again.... i dared that i would be that free... my mind grew strong...my body became weak... this is what was god wanted because this is what happened... the levies of my psyche rose... the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was... but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong... i was ready. halloween 3am i awake and begin popping herbal pills... <> rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil... <> none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit... while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing: and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me... at first it hurt and stung... i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray... my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain. i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins... and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst. brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once... i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe-- "he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself... but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that? in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable... anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather... rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning... soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in... this was amazing. the "masters" were showing me things... the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it... unseen forces around me...of light and dark... whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me. renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels... in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created... to seduce you into sensuality and reticence... and still i gave my allegiance to no one... i only asked that i be approached with respect... they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge... from all of them... it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else... but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren... >>>>>>>>>>> perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992. after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda... i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough?? i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit... but for now that will have to wait... lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> it's 3am - all hallos eve. insomnia... i cant get no sleep... Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed... on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature," an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker, an angel of peace... i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep... the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts. should i stay or should i go now?? go downtown. to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters, she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance... i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling... a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head... as if to charge...everyone waits. and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling... I awake with a cry -- "NO!" this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself... a canyon of despair rises up within me... i've got to get out of here... the stench of a dark omen circling around... i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots... i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue... i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams... happy halloween! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be: swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty, walk the plank...or shiver me timbers... my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night... i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets. the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown... pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted... as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'" "insomnia" the intro is perfect... here the following lyrics... I only smoke weed when I need to, And I need to get some rest, I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress, Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty, And on the count of three I pull back the duvet, Make my way to the refrigerator, One dry potato inside, no lie Not even bread, jam, When the light above my head went bam! I can't sleep, something's all over me, Greasy, insomnia please release me, And let me dream about making mad love on the heath, Tearing off tights with my teeth. But there's no relief, I'm wide awake in my kitchen, It's dark and I'm lonely, Oh, if I could only get some sleep, Creaky noises make my skin creep, I need to get some sleep, I can't get no sleep... i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight. this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down... will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence? meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ? i can not say... all are possible tonight... i wait quietly on a side street in the west village... dazed. leaning against the hood of a parked car... soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at... straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet. i light a fag and then "she" appears... she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..." i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ??? miss america? an abused princess? a rodeo drag-queen-clown?? i dunno. she's 5 foot four tall. "give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face... i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --? "i'am the prom queen honey...." i guffaw loud and sharp... "oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??" "neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet... I pause. my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious -- hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me... i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...? "well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of rhinestones....she adjusts her wig. i laugh. it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh... she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles... i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away... "well...shall we?" her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey... for now... "oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward... "ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa! the disco music form the bar pulls us in... the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight... "i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..." we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....! down - down - down - into the pit of insanity... we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man... an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says: "you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!" just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male? a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage... her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high - "here I'am !!!" the crowd screams... the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way... and into the background and grabs the mic -- "not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..." the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball... "TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...." the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away... "nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..." "maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves... "toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!" the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild --- everyone dances...and sways together... "talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??" she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey.... I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust... a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks... and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers... the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying... the crowd begins to chant in unison... "GONG - GONG - GONG.......!" i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was... all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it... how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york... i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight... "GONG - GONG - GONG!" now the crowd is getting mean. "get off the stage fattie!" "fuck off!" peals of laughter... people begin mooing like cows.... "COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!" OMG! I've never seen anything like this... wonder woman appears - the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage.... wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back... wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams... "lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!" the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top... cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around... "auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??" with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air... "there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..." GONG.... the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out... i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB? ah, i dunno but its taking effect... a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk. TA-TA... i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street... i look up...the moon is full. posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Thursday, August 31, 2006 halloween - part two hallowen - part two i stand under the moonscape. clouds, mist and fog are invading manhattan: and then a perfect full moon announces itself completing the stars and heavens... the bar is emptying out. my bad dreams seem like three eternities away... it's quiet. i breathe... the bar is gone... i feel like my mind is thinking...but i'am not thinking...i'am pulled in the full of the night...it's around 4am... i'am drugged but do not fully realize it...it's a dull and vague set of clouds rolling above me, through me...around me... the witches, skeletons and ghosts continue to filter by and through the streets...coming and going... i look up - the moon smiles...the clouds dance...the stars are red... "hey." i hear a voice. it is kiel... "are you having a good time tonight?" he asks... "....kiel. ? kiel...?" "i'am right here..." i hear...and then an angel appears glowing with a luminosity: ethereal and warm... it is kiel. walking toward me... "oh god. i miss you so much. where have you been? what are you doing here?" i reach out to touch him...my hand goes right through the air... "i think somebody put something in my drink...in the bar..." "that was quite a show in there..." kiel remarks and laughs... the laugh of an old dear friend. someone you have missed every minute since they've been gone...i sigh into the chance to say all the things ive wanted to tell him...ask him. "whats it like over "there?" i inquire and nod... "youd be surprised. it's not that different." he smiles. he looks deep into my eyes...and i begin to cry... "just as your connected to spirits on the "other side" were likewise connected to you...the only difference is now the "other side" is, well here. in the realms of the living..." "you have to figure the perfect time for a full fledged visit is on halloween: under a full moon...halloween." he smiles as if to remember all the smells and lights and candy and parties and fun...he meets my eyes again... a pack of red devils walks by... "and like i said. it's not that different..." the devils are sharing a joint and the smell of pot reeks into the space between us...they are smoking and laughing... "ah - you did go to heaven - didn't you?" i ask... "it's not like that...think of it like, if your in new york. then i'am in Montana...ah -- something like that..." "ok. whatever the fuck that means..." i shake my head... "oh god you look so beautiful. the last time i saw you - you were in the hospital. you looked so awful..." "i remember...i screamed at you and said: "why are you looking at me like - I'am dying...?" "the pain on your face...you were gone three days later..." "the pain is gone." i look up. kiel shimmers like the moon. the same hazy whiteness around his aura...his face is the moon. he winks... "see ya around..." I look down... "hey wait a minute...i want to know what its like to die..." there is a pair of high heels in front of me. squaring off toe to toe...i see the heel on one of the shoes is broken...i panic. i look up. it's her... >>>>>>>>"where did you go?" his voice is squeaky and he seems impish and small...his make-up is blotchy but still i cant not seem to read his aura or get a clear idea of what's underneath...sexy hot stud or village troll... "i'am going home." i remark flatly and turn to leave... "WAIT! don't go - please. i have tickets to the party at the palladium..." i'am swaying back and forth...his voice is now slowing down... it seems altered. slower. lowered. his eyes spark. he touches my hand. his touch is warm: "please...go with me..." "i don't even know you..." i remark coldly. "i should just..." "it's the best party of the year..." he holds up two tickets. one hundred dollars each. sold out months in advance. youd have to be a fool to pass this up...and then i think besides... you can always ditch her prom-queen ass and find someone more ah - suitable to your liking - like the prom king... "ok lets go..." i turn up the street. and no sooner then i agree she turns back into the waifey, demure, hobbling goblin kinda bouncing his head and waving his tiny wrists around...i walk fast because i dont anyone to recognize me with her... she's getting on my nerves..."yes - i will use her ticket and then ditch her ass...totally...." the devils grin appears. "ok cmon, lets go --" on the way there - a sexy-ass abercrombie football player grabs my shirt - grabs me and lays a deep full kiss onto my lips... "let me tackle you tonight bro!??" he asks. looks into my eyes. hes hot and young. hes dirty blonde. tall and buffed. he bites my lip..."i'll see you later..." he nods and heads to the entrance line. "ok here we are." i look around. the sight is amazing. a winding que of costumes...good witches - bad witches - dead cheerleaders - a king kong - green sparkling aliens - spartacus and seven gladiators in jockstraps ... cowboys - clowns - a starbucks coffee cup - the manhattan skyline - tinkerbell - another pee - wee herman rides by on a red bike and the tinkle of a bell goes off... then we all turn to see a pack of ghosts - like something out of the haunted mansion - - on stilts - float by - everyone is quiet... they look real...they are close to twelve feet tall - raiments of shimmering white - they seem to hover in mid air... hands down the ghost parade is the high light of the evening... beautiful...truly ghost like and other worldly... i spy the door man. i happen to know her from years ago when i was promoting clubs. she waves me over...she is in a kinda of "jetson's" drag with silver make -up...she opens the ropes... i look back to the football player and sparticus to make sure they see my VIP entrance and they do. I think to myself... "one of those bros is getting a blow job in the bathroom tonight at the least... i nod and wink... and walk through like royalty... the prom queen grabbing my hand... i thank the drag queen door man - "good to see you sweetie..." acknowledging her power and giving thanks... a quick air kiss on the cheek... and the red velvet ropes close behind us... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> "fuck - iam really high..." i mumble and stumble toward the set of six doors. the middle two now opened for us by two beefeater guards... in a darkened hallway before us color swirls and then running around us and spinning around us are tea-cups... pink and blue tea-cups...a white rabbit, alice in wonderland...all singing: "I'am late. i'am late for a very important date..." the mad hatter appears. manic. laughing screams...throwing cards..."would you like some tea??" two female attendants appear with actual tea - pots. they are wearing plastic hoop skirts below the waist which have no material on them...they are twins. they are blonde. they have straight perfect blonde hair and perfect 36 d cup boobs pushed forward. they are full of smiles... the mad hatter shrieks with delight...and hands me a tea cup of tea... "drink this tea....now" he implores...a little magic for your night ah an enhancer....some magic...i mean the tea...the tea is -- magic..." i drink the tea...the mad hatter's eyes widen... he shrieks and runs away...gone the tea cups swirl and float away. we are on a conveyor belt... there is silence. you can feel the muted base sounds of music... we are in a long silent hallway filled with mirrors... behind the mirrors - faces appear and then fade... and then the main room doors open up -- there is a small landing and then down a grand stair case we go... the dance floor... bats are flying above. real bats. there is a clock tower lighting up the space with an orange glow. gonging...gong - gong - gong - like a reverberating big ben -- and the hands on the clock are twirling fast - backwards around and around...lightning and shrieks: a small portal opens near the top of the tower and a shriek is belted over the speakers - the wicked witch of the west appears waving her hands..."i'll get you my pretty!!" the wizard of oz, it's disneyland, warner bros, the house of horrors, the chainsaw massacre, freak night - fright night - fairee dust - devils brew - cob-webbed. flowing fog and then a long intro of music begins... i look above - out of nowhere three swings appear from the ceiling to reveal three swim suit models swinging...reminiscent of an MGM - ester williams spectacular - they glide through the air... long intro of music.... it had to be...the red velvet curtains slowly pull back to reveal on the stage high above the dance floor... madonna in high aristocrat drag:?? VOUGE.... yes -- a line of high -- high drag - high queens take the stage but then...theres a flash of white... the witch screeches the gong - gongs... another white flash and then... vougue... they re-appear as ghouls...still dressed in aristocrat gowns but now the gowns are ripped and faded... they are joined by foot men...also ghouls and also dressed in torn and faded 18th centruy drag... they take the stage... the witch screams in delight. vogue. a mix of "thriller" fades in and out... the bass rumbles the entire foundation... stomps. hand poses.... stop. frozen in a pose... ghouls vouguing === vogue....vogue...vogue... the crowd tears down the house... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I'am standing in the middle of everything. truly in awe-shock... the only thing to happen now could be lightning striking and burning the house to sunders... but the frenzy continues.... all the while more loud gongs and the rabbit hole of my mind widening ever greater...the mad hatter's tea hitting me - my corwn chakra opens...iam dizzy. iam floating. iam the room... like a hypnotists wheel...spinning and spinning and spinning... and flying... then an interruption... the prom queen is trying to kiss me. i had forgotten all about her... i push her away...cold and flat. the seven gladiators part the dance floor...one turns my way - hes dark and handsome and tosses his jock strap to my hands... i bring it up to my nose and inhale of it deeply...and nod - fuck yes! a whoosh of testosterone and muscles...delights my senses... >>>>this is the party people will talk about for decades... like truman capotes black and white ball at the plaza. the closing of the saint party the first white party in miami peter gaitiens - hospital bloodfest - diluaded party the opening of the "area" night club... the "rent" tompkin square park riots woodstock the opening of the roxy and this....the event of the decade... vogue. tinkerbell appears and sprinkles fairy dust and the disco ball above explodes. silver confetti dances and falls onto the dancefloor. the laughter from "thriller" can be heard -- a trumpet announces something new. the gong sounds off again... two enormous congo drums slowly descend into view: swaying above the dance floor...ala cirque du soliel... two perfectly over-built muscle boys hold up giant batons...and then strike the drums... glenda the good witch appears...and waves a wand. a lazer beam shoots from one end - she points it to the clock tower and then strikes the wicked witch dead and says... "let the party begin...!" then the intro to "thriller" begins and explodes into a new frenzy of movement... it's raining pills. god only knows what they are - candy - ecstasy - rainbow juice...party enhancers...people gobble them up and a drum chant begins the call to sensuality. power and might... everything is awash in a hallucination... a vision of beautiful... dreaming and dreaming without end... in the michael todd room - bar under the famed basquiant mural the prom queen offers me another drink...and we embrace in a long strange endless kiss... we fly to the moon... slowly i slide my hand up her dress... she doesn't stop me. and then to what my wandering hands appears...? the phallus of satan... the donkey dick of my career in sex addiction. an easy ten inches - hard - moist - potent - in my hand. it presses against me... i almost fall to my knees to suck it by instinct.... it had to be...the biggest dick ive ever touched... "lets get out of here..." i mumble. ive got to see it. touch it. see it with my eyes. get fucked by it... wear the crown...and make her fuck me -- the little imp from hell riding his ass pony into the inferno of brimstone - HELLFIRE! the gods are merciful! they will surely punish me for three eternities for this but let me be dammed...i want that freak-cock... then... a pause...suddenly we are on the street... we are in a cab. next were up the stairs. then through the door. the door closes. the chain-bolt: bolted. i sit and rest amidst - lawn furniture and fake astro-turf and plastic geese... the prom queen flicks a switch and the plastic geese light up.... quack - quack. the living room of the prom queen... she saunters around - "well here it is..." she disappears into the back of the apartment into the dark, doing something...she fiddles with the stereo and then a kenny G record begins to play scratchy on a phonograph... i feel mildly buzzed and euphoric. my ass twitching from the thought of that humongous dick sliding up my moist greasy butt... then her face again. powdered and white and ghastly appears. teeth and lips... "let me make you some tea..." i look around. i see a farrah fawcet poster. figurines are everywhere. a macramé pot holder...articles from the 70s. a scott baio poster...my eyes are blurry and fogged...and slowly i begin to realize that i'am in a time warp... circa 1977... something is not quite right...like the last five minutes before the titanic hits the ice berg...i feel a dread...a whisper... a calling...a panic... leave now! ......or forever be frozen here... go....!! run!!! but the thought of seeing his huge member just once more and putting it in my mouth holds me there... suddenly the tea kettle whistles off loud and then - >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>the spell is broken! I stand up... i grab the fur wrap from his shoulders...and fling it through the air... she turns away - to the dark...she turns her back... things are happening frame by frame...under a strobe light...still frame and magnified... her back is not the back of some hot east village stud muffin... no. no no. its bony and hairy and ugly...and grotesque... she cowers... my hand grabs her shoulder and then i pull the wig off hard... I pull his cheek into the light.... i see her eyes - straight from the gallows of hell! red and sunken... and then i scream - the loudest most pathetic scream - emanates from deep below.... from both of us - she screams - I scream - my jaw shakes with violence.. "you tricked me!" i grab the straps of her dress...and rip them down...hard and mean. hes naked. except for a pair of white silk panties. decripid and old...and then there it is. the ten incher standing high and erect like a flagpole...SMACK! i belt him square in the face. a good hard smack. and he flies into the dark...against the stereo and the record scratches loud and the music stops... I have snapped... i kick the lawn furniture over and throw the table upside down... i kick the string of plastic geese and they fly throw the room -- quacking and into a mirror...sparks fly i look into the mirror and then slowly it cracks...and falls to the floor...i ponder my image fragmenting...and cry and try to touch my face... then her face appears next to me --- my eyes widen again...now wigless and totally exposed our eyes meet... "you drugged me!" i yell. "no - no - no....." his hair is dyed oompah loompa orange and in patches flies wildly into the air...he is part munchkin, part elephant man, part oompah-loompah and all freak...cracked dirty teeth, bad breath, leather skin...full of distress and pain..SMACK! "let go of me!" i run to the door and pull it open. true terror at having kissed this creature rages through my mind...i pull the door but the chain-bolt holds me there-- if i dont leave then and there i will be broken in ways that will never be repaired. i will never be the same again. and then with a hard pull as if i could claw the door open with my very mouth the door jamb breaks and splinters. freedom...soon... she runs toward me. grabbing my shirt and falling to her knees...crying...i push her back into the dark and she echos -- saying... "its not the hair...its the person...!!" pleading and then i boot kick to the center of his chest --- thud...he flies back... he disappears. she hits something hard and it all stops and i fly down the stairs screaming: "i made out with the elephant man...! i almost fucked an ommpah-loompah! somebody help me! somebody please ---- help me!" the streets are dead-calm. i flag a cab lightning strikes above and then rain as if unzipped from the heavens...falls and coats everything. i jump into the cab and throw a twenty onto the front seat... "DRIVE! fast -- " the cab bouncing and jumping over pot-holes quick - and speeding away -- from the backseat i stare... as if freak-man could somehow escape his dungeon and find me....screaming and running through the streets following me to midtown...i look back just to make sure - i sigh relief.... i wish i would have hand-cuffed him to the floor.... now i wish i would have stayed and thought up some elaborate torture...a special torture just for him... shit on him. put tiger balm up his ass... put him in a cage and piss into it... hang him upside down...nothing would be too strange... rain is pelting the cab... the cab driver inquires... "sir - where are going??" he is gone... but the night i'am afraid is not over just yet... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> the cab driver rambles on about this and that and this and that...his mindless chatter begins to normalize me back in the material world... but i'am still drugged, dazed and oddly aroused... my my mind half-baked, my dick half hard-oozing pre-cum... i feel a warm space in my chest and a buzz, like a shaking inside... the cab stops with a halt. i throw another 20 throw the partition and step to the curb... the rain has stopped... abba music plays from an apartment one flight up... "the visitors" i know the lyrics and tempo well... Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door I feel Im crackin up Voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up Now I hear them moving muffled noises coming through the door I feel Im crackin up voices growing louder, irritation building and Im close to fainting crackin up (I have been waiting for these visitors) They must know by now Im in here trembling in a terror evergrowing crackin up (I have been waiting for these visitors) My whole world is falling, going crazy there is no escaping now, Im crackin up (I have been waiting for these visitors) >>>>>>>>>>>>>> the visitor... as i step from the cab to the curbside i hear the abba music - perfect and clear. i slam the cab door and head for the corner bodega for a pack of smokes. my body is almost to the door but my head turns while walking forward to spy a twenty something tallish guy in red sweat pants... its obvious that hes not wearing any underwear or boxer shorts because i can see the outline of his cock perfectly which looks full and semi-hard and really nice and big... my devil horns protrude. hmmmm -- ? could be straight - could be gay....could just want a bj.... i shoot a look to him...that surely, in any language would be translated into: "WANNA FUCK?? i wanna suck it - i'll swallow..." he stands outside and waits: then shy and coy like squeezes his cock and his bulge grows just a bit... as he flexes everywhere...he pulls back his arms behind his head and exposes his armpits...and then nods... the answer to my question: "yeah man...yeah i wanna fuck...." i smack the cigarette pack against the butt end of my palm a few times and square my shoulders to his. then i point my index finger to the center of his chest and shaking my head like a madman, sniffing him like a dog and sensing i would like it and his cock. quick and precise i say: "yeah - you wanna fuck?? well then you should follow me down the block...because i'am gonna do things to you that no one has ever done...you game?? just follow me..." and down the street never looking back i walked... "voices growing louder - irritation building - i'am close to fainting -- now i feel i'am cracking up..." i key the door to the building. mr red sex-pants in the wings... standing right there but i don't acknowledge him but i do think to myself..."this time theres no wig and no dress." "this visitor" is gonna get the tumble of his life when i get him upstairs... full of lust and passion and GHB, the mad hatters brew, the weird night, the herbs, halloween, the donkey dicked freak-show: i needed release... red sweat-pants which have always turned me on...always reminds me of sucking some guy off in a gym or in central park late at night... as i fly up the flight of stairs my cock goes rock - ringing - hard...hes right behind me. falls into my animal space and breathes down my neck and pushes me against the door. hes taller than me by a head and it's quite easy for him to pin me there and brings his masculine, scruffy chin to mine. he looks into my eyes. raises his arm above me and makes me sniff his arm pit... he garabs my chin and then... he plants a firm erotic kiss on my lips. he pushes my shoulders down with both hands and tip toes to pry his mouth onto mine - i open my mouth wide to receive his tongue...as i suck on his tongue i begin to melt...I let my guard down and fall to my knees in one motion and smoothly glide the red sex pants to the floor... his perfect bone flies open into the air and bobs up and down... it'a big one... i slide likewise down his torso and to the waist and then the thigh. I breath in his crotch -- it's fucking nice - the cock is nice firm and oozing a little fresh jizz from the head...genius! heaven - light...a healing wand of light...a giant white snake which contains the cure... i put my lips to it as if it contained nectar....bow my head just like a prayer...and then take his phallus all the way down... as i'am sucking him i pin him to the door -- and then i knock over a stack of books and that does it...i stand up and scatter everything off the kitchen table... he is on the same page and counter-attacks...pushing me down onto my back, trying to kiss me - spinning me around and then bending down to lick the crack of my ass...long and soft... i don't have to wait long until he heaves and then with expertise slides his member into my ass and pumps slowly at first and then deeper....we heave together. forward and back in a perfect rhythm. i hold the sides of the kitchen table for support and then i can feel him shooting and spasming inside me... i cum without touching my cock... the back of my head exploding off... there is so much ecstasy in this release that it begins to hurt... i lay there silent...he puts two fingrs into my mouth: they are swathed with our juices...i suck on them for a moment... "thanks..." i gaze into his eyes. for a fleeting minute i sense he's an angel...that he's not human...i ponder and wonder... then he is gone...never saying goodbye. i crawl over to my bed -- thanking god the night is over... i pass out butt in the air: face down. i tasted lust and won... i tempted the gods into destroying me. i had my visitors...i touched a penis that belongs in a museum... danced with all of manhattan under the gong-ing witches tower. saw tinkerbelle and tasted the funk of a gladiator... got fucked by the angel of lust... had my hole opened and filled...and now drifting away to the stars...i cracked a smile...and a grin...and then it's all gone. good night. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> posted by kirk @ Thursday, August 31, 2006 0 comments Wednesday, August 30, 2006 chants of light 6-14-06 today i feel oddly "high." however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass... i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock -- up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement... and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye... of his heart and soul - in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up... thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls... and then he is gone.... today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence. like smoking when you know your healthy... sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place.... the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes... sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams... no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again... i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light -- the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone... the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end -- as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require... the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend... i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful... stoned on something i cant even give a name to... the best high is when you dont need anymore... a divine liquor swishing through my blood... i cook lunch in my undies. it's delicious... posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006 0 comments halloween one year ago. there was intent. 3am. the beast comes out to play... the cigarettes, the sex addiction, the anorexia, the debting... the credit cards, the internet cruising, the loneliness, the despair...insomnia. misery loves company. all the demons and fragments feed upon each other... i formed a plan to get away... this was my last chance -- i was going to wipe the beast from my mind body and spirit -- with a one - two - knock - out id take the beast out now weak and smug... i would be clean from everything and the beast would not win... everything you read, every movie you see is about a hero... is about a person going for their dream... this is our religion...finding your dream and making it happen... on the outside the dream is fame - money - external things - cash and prizes but these were just a distraction...a distraction so nobody, not even my alcoholism, would know what the real game was -- what the real prize was... the real prize was not to own things - collect things or put them under my jurisdiction. the dream, the prize was to be free -- and thats always the prize... to be from from the beast -- to be free of "it." to beat it.... have a clear head. a clean life....so it wouldn't have anything on me -- washed clean, ready for god to love me -- free from worry or doubt - that was my plan... and slowly i began -- this entailed: i ate when i didn't want to -- i stored my credit cards away, i cut my tabbacco consumption by 50%, i no longer wanted to pump up my body - my ego - my cock or myself with things of this world... i wanted to fix my soul...i wanted to go home - clean... the way i came in...purified in the fire...of dignity of divinity. i so desperately wanted to fix the hole in my heart that made me crave attention. made me want the things of this life constantly...the wanting - the wanting - and the never getting it right - there was no satisfaction. no humility for "god's" plan. if i got something then my mind told me it was the wrong color - the wrong size, that i needed something else now - another person, apartment, another thing only to be discarded and this is what made me tired more than anything else... i would rid myself of the voice that said all of those things, thrived on my doubts and fear of never being enough... slowly and quietly i would remove all the toys that my dis-ease used against me...slowly but completely.... and this is what i set out to do... but little did i know - the snake was recoiling only to strike - bite my ass and throw me around with a whiplash... my body breaking down the toxins...the mental detoxes continued and my energy became like lightning... all my energy went to my mental processes...to the needs of my soul...this evolved and aligned my energy but my body was breaking down in the process...could i with stand it ??? i like to think that i could -- but...many tests awaited... tests of endurance and strength...tests of will - the will to continue and live in a world that gave me nothing to live for.... one side was being reborn and the other was dying and i was caught in the middle... my soul grew warm. my body cried in pain... there was ecstasy and searing white hot pain... there was my heart melting - there was a giant light around me turning to gold.... >>>>>>> the pressure begins... the owner of the building that i lived in for 18 years dies. in the interim period of his dis-ease, descent and death the family ceases all business activity and fails to renew my expired lease... repeated attempts to renew my lease fail. I begin to panic... i occupy a rent stabilized apartment. by manhattan standards and current rental market prices my apartment would rent for around 1500.00 dollars...but i only pay 575.00 due to rent stabilization... an apartment like mine, rent stabilized, two, three foot windows of southern exposure light, three rooms in the location of hells kitchen which is central to all of the city is a valuable commodity in the most expensive city in the world... i try and try to contact the owners son to send me my new lease. he does not respond. there are rumors that the building is for sale. rumors that the new owners are going to harass the tenants to make them move at which point they could renovate the vacant apartments and charge a higher rents. the stakes are raised. this is very common in the city. as it stood i would have to prove that i had a lease. i was living in a vague idea of what my rights as a tenant were...my security was undermined. this is a central fear of all tenants in the city. the landlord wants you to move - to charge the next guy a higher rent. in the intervening years of living under rent stabilization the rent in the city sky rockets 1000 per cent. but my income rises slowly. as it stood if i lost the space i was living in then i would not even be able to afford to move to an outer borough. i'd have to leave manhattan... deep within me a tension and fear began to swirl...and as you know when there is tension surely it wants release...an addict under the gun of fear...wants to run... i would lose everything...could lose everything... the thought of this generated such a fear within me that i broke out in a rash. hives covered my body but this was nothing compared to what came next... without the safety zones you are exposed. without the chemicals of caffeine and nicotine things are magnified... an addict under pressure will - "act out" that is to say - you will look for comfort even if it means picking up a chemical like alcohol or sex or going back into anorexia, to numb what you are experiencing... the volume gets turned up higher... something is wrong with my body... i'am not sleeping at night. and then at the place where i work as a bartender a bottle of "johnny black" is stolen from the bar...the owner begins a witch hunt to find the perpetrator...heads are gonna roll. someone is going to get canned...the screws tighten. my home is a high pressure situation. my job was a high pressure situation. now it becomes a place of fear, back-stabbing and scheming...the other employees - the other bartenders know if iam the one that gets fired then four very lucrative bar shifts will be up for grabs... one of the bartenders that i work with begins stealing money. she pockets the cash when she should ring up the sale. on occasion she pushes a twenty spot into my pocket also like hush money. the owners have spies that sit on the bar, trained to spot thieves...everything feels like it is about to come tumbling down... iam headed for a breakdown i can tell... no sleep. hives. i return to my anorexia and stop working out. i look gaunt and pale...i go to the emergency room for diarrhea... my body refuses to hold any food... iam under attack. my footholds of security are being taken away... my two bases where i ground and support myself are shaking. i'am on shaky ground. iam under pressure. iam ready to crack... my fortieth birthday approaches. my goals and dreams are slipping away. i have twenty years of photographs. i have twenty years of short stories. poems. artwork. all stored away that my time, effort and money helped create...the dream of earning a living from any of these ventures seems far away and eludes me. the dreams of a young artist fresh and full of talent seem far away... the material world values: power - financial power and youth and success...I'am losing my youth. i have failed to create financial power. i have failed to be recognized as a poet or writer or artist of note... i have failed to find a partner in life... Iam alone. it seeems to me that i have only grief, disappointments and a handful of scattered dull pain: shame begins to overtake me... i'am far away. i did my work. i was not lazy. people with less talent than myself got their chance. got a book deal. got paid. got into the right gallery... maybe my only chance now is that my poetry and art could be shown: post mortem... if i knew that my lifes work could be deciphered or desimmentated or published or shown in my absence i would expire myself with the click of a gun... right then and there... i live because i want someone to know...to see what i have done...to give my "children" my artworks a chance to live in the world...but right now none of it - all the words and works would make sense to no one but myself... it needed to be organized. edited. and then organized again. the thought that my step mother sits on a family estate of over 25 million dollars begins to crush me... she gives away money to evade the heavy taxes of the estate... how easy it would be for her to write me a check. give me the money to upgrade my camera, computer and printer or have the free time to look for outlets to sell my photos. to garner representation. to make a switch into full time artist... she does not call offering to help me...instead she sends me letters asking for money...letters asking that i donate to her favorite charities: one of which has my father's name on it. the foundation gives money to fund underprivileged youths to go to college... the focal point of her dissatisfaction with me ? she won't give me money because i'am gay... 3am. every night i awake. as if shaken by an unseen force. i sit up and a flow of tingling buzzes through my legs and chest. wide awake. i pace back and forth in the tiny space. looking at the filing cabinets filled with artwork - poetry - photographs. in the kitchen cockroaches crawl...then i turn on the lights. they are everywhere...i return to the edge of the bed. I fall into despair... cockroaches are in my bed. in a glass of water. crawling around the refrigerator. in my clothes... i shake my head in disbelief...my life now has become a twilight zone of surreal regret and pain... trapped. i resolve to meditate my way through it. it cant last that long. and then the clock strikes 7am and a jack-hammer goes off in the apartment next to mine... the new owners are renovating the vacant apartment next to me. sledgehammers shake the walls and a radio blares Spanish music and advertisements during the reprieves of the jack-hammering... i'am being tested to my very core... the pounding. the shaking. the opening of the walls. the cock roaches. the chain smoking. the insomnia. the anorexia. the sex addiction...all shows on my face... i'am going downhill. fast. my mantra becomes: "let go or be dragged..." it's obvious that all hell is breaking loose in my conciousness...so typified by my outer reality...the bugs of my psyche are running in every direction...the walls of my foundation are being ripped open... but there was more... i begin to contemplate suicide. every night around 3am. i awake from a dream. a dream of ghosts. ghosts having a grand time. how i wish to join them...their world is a party. they have no cares. my world is falling apart. how i wish to escape to the other side and languish in their playful eternity... every night i awake around 3am and one of the ghosts sits quietly on the side of my bed...kiel. kiel has followed me from the haunted house of my dreams and makes his presence known...what he wants i can not say. he does not speak. he sits there. his presence is strong and does not fade. >>>>>>>>>>>> i get a phone call. it is my birth-mother. who by the way has been missing for more than 25 years... she suddenly re-appears out of the blue. "it's mommy." i feel a heat in my head. a pain in my heart. and i itch everywhere. "where have you been?" i inquire. "nevermind..." nevermind...that was the corker... "now that your daddy's gone - i want to return to the family..." thanks for sharing that. my heart opens with rage and closes with resentment. pause. "no. a never mind is not gonna be good enough..." iam astounded and in awe at her audacity to return, now, as if no time elapsed. to speak as if there were no consequences...but she does... pause. i wish to hear a tale of regret: of missing me. an apology. a confession. an explanation...a story of a catharsis or healing or redemption...finally i say...as an accusation... "what do you want??" "i have bad heart valves...or rather i did. i had open heart surgery. my doctor said that its hereditary...you should go to a doctor to get it checked out..." "is that it?" i remark with no emotion what so ever... i light a cigarette. my breathing is shallow. "well - i thought id tell you that..." the tip of the ice berg...here we go... the cracking of the glacier of questions forming... the match to the dynamite. to the gasoline...the explosion... the pause before it all blows up... pause... i await. in seconds i imagine what she could possibly say next: i bow my head. my hand to my forehead...and consider: she could say: "well - i'am a millionaire! or i was kidnapped and held in an under ground government facility as a lab experiment... i was abducted by aliens... iam a big porn star....!! i want to help you... "jesus is coming!" i want to repay all the years ive been gone. i was in a cult that tortured me... i worked for the CIA.... i wanted to explain why you've got the aura of a "witch..." your the son of a king... no. she continues... "i figured that after i left, you and your father would not get along...you looked so much like me, i mean...did you get disinherited??" pause. i inhale deeply. "yes." "well i think you should know...he wasn't your father..." boom! >>>>>>>>>> "i'am gay..." pause. "i said I'am gay...and i'am a witch..." pause. "i'am an artist. i write poetry. i'am a bartender....i'am gay..." "so are you talking to jesus?" she asks... <> i think to myself... are you talking to jesus...? "yeah as a matter of fact - i just saw jesus on the a-train going downtown last night - he says "hi." i light another cigarette. pause. "your < real? > father is a heart surgeon... he lives in DC. your actually jewish by the way...." long pause... click. i hang up... >>>>>>>>> a poor man will give birth to a millionaire... the christian man will give birth to a rebel... the rich man will bring forth the artist the hyper-masculine man will give birth to the faggot... and now i know what iam --- the love child of a doctor and a witch... i'am a doctor and a witch. I'am a doctor and a witch... I'am a healer. the road to becoming a sage is strewn with obstacles, burning hellfire, angels and pain...and letting go...the stormy road to god - paved with blood and wanting...sweat. cum and lust...denial and acceptance... let go or be dragged... let go and be dragged... whomp- there it is! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> medicate the pain... the desire to drink comes back to me after 20 years grace... a bloody mary would be sooo good right now -- some valium would be nice...a few joints, a few razor blades. a bottle of jack daniels. a few guys on viagra...a hotel room at the chelsea hotel... my sober plan? get laid and chain smoke. the road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> halloween in manhattan. the crucible has begun. the gauntlet coming... "what doesn't kill me will make me stronger..." "what doesn't kill me will preserve my body only to stretch out the misery..." I'am being carved up - the demons - vampires and vultures - circling around my body... tearing the dis-eased meat from the bones... but first the beast will make sure it has its way with me...once and for all so i never forget... i command the forces of the universe to my corner... lets go fucker... stop tapping me - stop trying to hit me and hit me ! the lightning. the wind and the water all belong to me... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> news flash - hurricane katrina begins to rip apart new orleans... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> if the beast is godzilla - then iam mega-godzilla... i open my mouth and fire scorches the land...i throw my hand to the right...a skyscraper tumbles... citizens are scrambling....the villagers run and scream!!! i wait for the counter punch... whoosh -- the beast flies away...for now. no doubt he will return with mothra...and titanasaurus... there will be nothing left... until then i would surely walk the tightrope between destruction and chaos...and creativity... sex and death.... death and re-birth.... until then iam only happy when it rains... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i gather my forces. regroup. the shock-waves to my psyche are now the battle call. the battle cry. one mother. one father. three sets of parents... my birth mother: italian. dark hair. dark eyes. full of astrology. full of jesus. full of judgments and confessions... mysteries of the past. reappearing to rock my foundations... my birth father: medic. doctor. heart surgeon. absent. italian and jewish. lost. gone. somewhere. his eyes... the eyes of a witch? an alien? a shaman? most definitely the eyes of something "otherworldly..." i was conceived in the isles of a pharmacy...among all the pills that would make the world feel better... all the while my father looking at her with those eyes... a question answered...where did you get those eyes?? >>>>>you have the eyes of an old soul...a priest, a god, a healer, an alien, a movie star... a teen idol.... an ascendant master?? the only thing i could ever count on in this life...someone would always comment on my eyes...my only guarantee: if i needed to i could burn a hole right through someone's head with my gaze or hypnotize them at will...it was true power. the colors change and go from liquid blue to ice green to a light light yellow...to that of a pharaoh. a prince. royalty. to the unwanted. the unloved. the criminal. the con artist. the magician. the child...the angel. the chosen. >>>>>>>>>>>>> my step mother: british. quiet. cool. grounded in the harsh realties. never sugar coating anything...life is about hard work and you have no right to complain...might makes right. everything has an order. on the money. precise. creative. complex. my step father: abrasive. funny as hell. sparkling blue eyes. brilliant. a business genius...powerful. quiet. harsh. german. obsessed with money. a millionaire several times over. unforgiving...suspicious. my adopted parents... the next door neighbors...mr and mrs. kramer. mr. kramer: kind. patient. passive. in the garage. woodworking. loving. let go and let god...accepting. caring. frail... mrs. kramer: loved me like her own. we looked like son and mother. she is my first spiritual teacher. mixing telepathy, christianity and love...she has angels in her house. she loves me and she loves god...she probably knew i was gay. she believed in re-incarnation. she told me once that a still born child she had years ago - she always felt that it was me and that i belonged to her either way...confessed that she "took too many pills" one afternoon. she was afraid that she might have fallen in love with a friend - her girlfriend in college... around her i felt at home... she told wonderful stories. a writer and dreamer. i wanted to be around her day and night. we prayed together. her two abercrombie-esque twins ken and phil blonde and blue eyed likewise adopted my parents...we basically traded parents... i was a child of the universe. i belonged to no one... destined to wander and learn. to become all of them... they all fought over me. the all taught me. they all protected me. they all loved me but none of them could own me... i congealed into the spirit of a gypsy. full of vengeance and compassion. knowledgeable of the lower and upper worlds...more than human but not quite a full fledged god...my intelligence was exponential...my body morphed. my spirit was cleansed and damned... i was blessed and cursed and lucky to know them all... each one powerful in their own way... i took everything they gave me. i could call forth each of them at will to help me. i draw on them all...they all live inside of me...in my heart. my lifes work: to collect all the fragments and bind them with love... a new breed... sometimes your destiny chooses you... and all of this on my head each day...and yet: after the game the king and pawn go into the same box... may god's will be done: see me... feel me... touch me... heal me... my destiny was to heal the world or destroy it... this i knew and the meantime i would try not to tease the humans who got in my way... but i must confess i always kissed the boys and made them cry.... the beast would return to me and soon enough... if you could win your battle with all your powers intact then you have done good and will fight another day... if you can win your battle with all your weaknesses showing and your strength gone then surely no one or nothing will ever challenge you again.... i dared that i would be that free... my mind grew strong...my body became weak... this is what was god wanted because this is what happened... the levies of my psyche rose... the beast would be fooled by my appearance...worn old and dying as i was... but all the while my spirit and mind prepared and grew strong... i was ready. halloween 3am i awake and begin popping herbal pills... <> rishi mushroom. fo-ti. sarsparilla, maca, cayenne, gotu-kola, ginko biloba, garlic, arginnine, amino acids, vit-c - e - a and the b's...yerba mate' and red clover...to clear away evil... <> none of this potent brew would go to strengthen my actual body. as i prayed over it i instructed the energies of these herbs and this tonic to go straight to my mind and spirit... while my genitals shrank my nimbus glowed...true stares came to me on the street but only from the knowing: and then there were gazes of love and compassion. this spun my head around and around. i was so invested in looking good and now that i didn't - in fact i looked quite the opposite people were kind and generous...the love began to melt me... at first it hurt and stung... i was a walking paradox...of frailty and power...i was burning alive and ashen gray... my physical body once coveted and praised for the beauty it contained now oozing the pus and pain and dis-ease...i always held inside. now i could see it. i was manifesting all the deformities of my scars and pain. i had the sunken face of a demon. the eyes of the alienated. glowing with rage. the skin of the weary. my muscles were wasting away...i was simply a bag of bones flying down the street...there was absolutely no water in my blood or veins... and then a constant thirst. always a blinding thirst. brittle - exposed and raw and numb all at once... i could hear the demons howl with delight...hehehehehe-- "he has fallen!!...the golden child will soon expire..." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>if i had only my vague dreams and precise words to seduce you into believing all that which is true then i would not believe it myself... but things had happened. things to point to and say: did you see that? in my early twenties i bought my first video camera. hot to see what i looked like jerking off a load i positioned the camera at a tilted angle toward the bed. i put on a private show for myself. bending over like an amateur porn star: waving my cock around - trying to suck my own dick...falling to my knees pretending to get fucked by a gang of hot studs...it was quite a performance indeed. and then coming up to orgasm. standing on the bed. the drapes open and the window exposed...i cum. and lo and behold: lightning struck outside at the exact moment i came...caught on tape. it was unmistakable... anger or wild lustful sex, a strong precise clarity about what i was feeling brought about instant changes in the weather... rain. thunder. lightning. i'am lightning... soon i would look for the weather to change. if i felt despair - a sudden downpour of rain...if i was angry; wind. when i was at peace: fog rolled in... this was amazing. the "masters" were showing me things... the forces seemed to court me...and soon i arose to their challenge. i began to intentionally manipulate the weather...was directly connected to it... unseen forces around me...of light and dark... whispering. teaching. trying to help me. heal me. seduce me. perhaps even impregnate me. destroy me. create me. renegade angels just below the fount of heaven deciding i belonged to them...i would become their masterpiece: the masterpiece of angels... in the meantime: the demons on the otherhand realized my rage and lust...my ability to devour men. to hear the winds and command the thunder...to destroy as quickly as i created... to seduce you into sensuality and reticence... and still i gave my allegiance to no one... i only asked that i be approached with respect... they would all show me what was possible and then i would choose...but until then i was content in the school of the cosmos being led...usurping power and knowledge... from all of them... it seemed the weather favored me: and this told me that perhaps i was more "shaman" than anything else... but still holding out to find my true spiritual brethren... >>>>>>>>>>> perhaps someday i will tell you about my experiences shortly before hurricane andrew wiped florida nearly off the coast in 1992. after a brief visit with gurumayi i awake to a searing back spasm...the entire right side of my body as if it had disappeared...internal movements causing my stomach to distend like that of a budda... i lay in bed. was it a breakdown or breakthrough?? i lay in bed several months watching andrew devastate the land and people: feeling the swirling patterns of winds in my mind and spirit... but for now that will have to wait... lets continue our descent into hell...and keep your eyes on the prize... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> it's 3am - all hallos eve. insomnia... i cant get no sleep... Iam totally jack-up on herbal speed... on past halloweens i have dressed as "nature," an art dealer/vampire, a dead soldier, a zombie bride, the joker, an angel of peace... i sit on the edge of my bed. the bed of dreams and no sleep... the bed of love and lust and wanting...the bed of ghosts. should i stay or should i go now?? go downtown. to the unending carnival of drunken spirits. hob-goblins, fraternity boys wanting their first homosexual experience...drag queens, fairies, moms, teachers, newscasters, she-dominatrixes, the lonely, the discarnate, the stars, the lurkers...all prancing the streets of the west village wanting to see...in the grandest parade of costumes: the epi-center of the spiritual universe explodes...into the streets, all the spirits be they kind - worthy or loving will be in attendance... i sit on the edge of my bed and close my eyes...i fall into a dream. the dream is simple: a desert landscape of white rocks and mountains. a grand dirt highway carved through the hills and piles of granite. jagged mountain rise above a day-lit sky: cloudless and foreboding. and then a giant white stallion. angry, running, majestic, powerful appears...followed by thousands of faceless men and women and children...they are throwing rocks at the awesome stag. some screaming in awe, their faces all gazing toward - running toward the powerful animal who is trying to escape...there is a frenzy of energy swirling... a group of people head off the running, precise white god, he stops, slides and rises up on his hind legs kicking...and then cries. a perfect clear whinny from his throat pierces the heavens -- then there is silence and all movement stops as his front hooves hit the rubble...he snorts and takes one hoof and scratches it against the rocks and raises his head... as if to charge...everyone waits. and then an enormous spear from nowhere enters the stallion's side. he cries again. tries to run and then falls into a deep crevice below...as he is falling... I awake with a cry -- "NO!" this is so fucking, "not good" - i think to myself... a canyon of despair rises up within me... i've got to get out of here... the stench of a dark omen circling around... i tie a bandanna over my head. adorn my eyes with eye liner. fashion necklaces of gold around my neck. slide my torso into a white poets shirt unbuttoned...black pants and black boots... i will be a pirate. a gay pirate. a pirate with a huge cock. a jolly roger' >>a beautiful rogue... i step out into the night...the pavement damp. the sky crisp, the dream of the fine white stallion fading into the skyline of mist and screams... happy halloween! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>the west village i walk slowly trying to decide what kind of pirate to be: swarthy and masculine. kinda fey and sly, dirty and crusty, walk the plank...or shiver me timbers... my body adjusts into a kinda handsome, shinning thief...with quiet steady eyes...the center of my torso teeming with power... my white, open shirt billows in the night... i wander and disappear into the subway cars, into the blue endless streets of moonlight, the abandoned side streets. the coolness of the pavement present upon my heels... as the noise of the city and its night light of black and orange glows ever brite downtown... pulling me in and toward the parade of the unnatural...the un-dead, the unwanted... as i roam i hear the music of "faithless'" "insomnia" the intro is perfect... here the following lyrics... I only smoke weed when I need to, And I need to get some rest, I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress, Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty, And on the count of three I pull back the duvet, Make my way to the refrigerator, One dry potato inside, no lie Not even bread, jam, When the light above my head went bam! I can't sleep, something's all over me, Greasy, insomnia please release me, And let me dream about making mad love on the heath, Tearing off tights with my teeth. But there's no relief, I'm wide awake in my kitchen, It's dark and I'm lonely, Oh, if I could only get some sleep, Creaky noises make my skin creep, I need to get some sleep, I can't get no sleep... i'am filled with the night. i'am the night and its cool abiding darkness and promise. something will happen tonight. this is a guarantee...something wild and unforgettable...will transpire to knock my ass further down the rabbit hole: down - down and down... will it be weird sex? - true love? - rape or violence? meeting the devil of my fears or the man of my dreams ? i can not say... all are possible tonight... i wait quietly on a side street in the west village... dazed. leaning against the hood of a parked car... soon rising to meet a climax not even i could have guessed at... straggling Halloween revelers float by...gender fuck leather boys in make-up smoking, another pee-wee herman rides by, dancing purple dinosaurs, tinky winkies, an entire enchanted forest which i was impressed with...parades down the block and then disappears...and then perfect quiet. i light a fag and then "she" appears... she is waving her hand toward me, as if she recognized me and realizes we have a date..."there you are..." i see a hobbling...ah, i see a crown, a blonde wig of curls, a turquoise dress with a white rabbit fur wrap...she's a ??? miss america? an abused princess? a rodeo drag-queen-clown?? i dunno. she's 5 foot four tall. "give me a cigarette honey..." she waves her tiny hand in my face... i look quizzical and examine him puzzled...ah your a --? "i'am the prom queen honey...." i guffaw loud and sharp... "oh - yes you are...ok. oh i get it...well your corwn is crooked and i see you've broken a heel...sweetheart - did the prom king or was it the football team who ruffed you up tonight??" "neither..." she leans in while i spark my lighter to the cigarette now coated in orange lipstick...the flare of my bic highlights her mouth and eyes...our eyes meet... I pause. my mind scans the aura. the actual body. the eyes. the body posture to reveal...nothing. there are no clues to what he is - under there --- so for now he will have to remain the psychotic prom queen...shes up for anything...it's obvious -- hehehehee...the mind-fuck artist swells up inside me... i keep her at a distance... yeah whatever...how was your night...? "well..ah you can see..." she squints and inhales...and gives me the once over...her eyes seem to sparkle but only like that of rhinestones....she adjusts her wig. i laugh. it's an evil mumbling, "i'am cooking up something real special for you" laugh... she smiles this really fucked up - dried mouth - mommy orange lipstick smile and bats her eyes to the sky and giggles... i laugh a loud pee-wee herman cackle and forward my torso and throw back my head...and then inhale whats left of my cigarette...and then flick it away... "well...shall we?" her eyes widen...i'll just let her think shes snagged her prey... for now... "oh - i'am quite parched. ah - do you care for a drink?? my treat..." she offers and then wraps her shoulders tight into her fur wrap and swishes her hips back and forth toward the bar door limping but chest forward... "ok. lets go." i follow checking out his ass...ah maybe theres a possibility here...maybe hes a buffed east village stud under there...maybe hell fuck me with that dress on...let me wear the crown...suck my cock in the bathroom and coat my balls with lipstick...lick my ass while some weird-ass clown-vampire watches...who-yaaaa! the disco music form the bar pulls us in... the door opens. the smoke and sweat and heat from all the humans wafts into the sky...yes! we want to go inside there and see all the perverted fucked up things people are doing tonight... "i follow you into helllll!" i scream and we disappear into the universe that is called: "the pieces bar..." we work our way through the crowd. the place is wall to wall packed - i announce our arrival by waving one arm high into the air and dancing into the place...fuck yes. i'am having fun - everyone is acting out -- and away we go....! down - down - down - into the pit of insanity... we are pushed toward the bar from behind...it seems theres a riot at the door: two star wars storm troopers - a chewbacca and a princess leia are arguing with the door man... an amazon freakish female warrior/wonder woman - catches the spotlight and waves a drink tray held by red-elbow length gloves above our heads and points the way as if to expose a tiny semi-circle stage...pushing through the standing room only audience wonder woman hits the stage and says: "you may not be ready for this one - but here she is anyway!!" just then - this blubbering whale of - a man ? a she-male? a woman ? ah -- no identifiable race - could be mexican - phillipino - asian fusion, half black...kinda pin-head - freak-show of a human being stumbles and tumbles onto the stage... her dress, caftan flies up...she is sweating...with fatty cheeks aglow...she raises her arm high - "here I'am !!!" the crowd screams... the wonder woman emcee - pushes her out of the way... and into the background and grabs the mic -- "not yet honey...tonight...the mother of all gong shows..." the red glove points to a tiny red gong that appears from the ceiling and dips and stops: swinging like a noose next to the disco ball... "TONIGHT -- contestant number one -- "the chinchilla from manilla" trying to win the grand prize of 55 american dollars to get her ah... "operation" for ah...? FOR WHAT honey?...." the humanoid...eager to begin tries to respond and tries to grab the mic to speak...but the red glove pushes her out of the way...wonder woman pauses...and tilts her head - insult upon glorious insult...spills from her ruby lips...then she teases contestant number one by holding the mic close enough to speak but then pulls it away... "nevermind dear...nobody cares anyway..." "maestro - music please..." wonder woman perches the mic onto its stand and leaves... "toot - toot - hey....... beep - beep! bad gurlzz!" the caftan swirls. the beast dances and glides...the crowd goes absolutely fucking wild --- everyone dances...and sways together... "talking about baaad girls yeah!! - do you wanna get dooown??" she spins and holds them...waves her arms. her chance in a lifetime...she is living it honey.... I'am sparkling with glee - i feel coated with fairie dust... a drink appears from the prom queen who i had forgotten and i take it...nodding thanks... and then turn my eyes back onto the circus dance. which resembles an elephant on two legs covered in fake Hawaiian plastic flowers... the stage nearly caving in from her weight, the flabby under arms bouncing...the psychotic karaoke...the horsey mouth - the bloodless lips moving about - the ass sashaying... the crowd begins to chant in unison... "GONG - GONG - GONG.......!" i feel a compassion and pity and identification with this poor creature that pulses my heart almost to tears...singing her heart out as she was... all the dreams of love and acceptance in her eyes...and surely the crowd would never let her have it... how vicious and delicious and cruel and ah -- new york... i swear to god i almost peed my pants laughing and swearing to god to never forget this night...or this sight... "GONG - GONG - GONG!" now the crowd is getting mean. "get off the stage fattie!" "fuck off!" peals of laughter... people begin mooing like cows.... "COW/LADY ! COWLADY...!!! GO AWAY !!" OMG! I've never seen anything like this... wonder woman appears - the red gloves beats the gong - again and again and again and then with an incredible speed throws back two shots of, i guess it was bourbon...and then tries to push fattie right off the stage.... wonder woman pushes --- but cowlady pushes back... wonder woman then goes right for the jugular...and pulls fatties top off....it's almost a riot of screams... "lets see whatcha got there -- but cha are BLANCHE...ya arrre a cow---!" the red glove swinging around the now untied halter top... cow lady - sweaty and tired and exposed tries to regain her composure...and grab her top back...the red glove tosses it to the crowd..."there ay go..." and then cow lady shows herself to be - i think a pre-op transsexual with kinda fatty like swinging man-titties...the poor creature...floundering around... "auk - your done! >>>>>ay didn't know we were going to have a DONKEY show tonight did ya ??" with a strong push from behind...wonder woman ejects cow/fatty from the stage...she flies and hee-haws through the air... "there she goes folks...side of beef anyone ?? NEEEEXT..." GONG.... the room is spinning..i think i've been drugged. someone has slipped me a mickey...i'am going to pass out... i taste my drink again - sure enough - it has the faint taste of Spanish fly ? valium? drano? GHB? ah, i dunno but its taking effect... a fight has broken out. its time to leave...before the bar is ripped into...well: pieces....smirk. TA-TA... i slip through the crowd easily toward the door...the sound of screams and glass breaking echo as i hit the street... i look up...the moon is full.... to be continued... >>>>>>>>>>>>

• "The First Vampire." by Seanbateman9 4 seanblog (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  # the first vampire rated XXX (1/23/07) [View | Hide] < This blog is rated XXX for Adults over 18 years old If you are under 18 leave this page now last night the pain in the body forced the words from the spirit...the words are free now - like wild animals...like children...who will run through the world changing everything... july 2 06 >>> light can not be stopped... the dust of angel wings... coating me -- transforming my heart into another light...healing and soothing... the word - the symbols we have - these are tiny compared to the oceans of light -- the caress of something heavenly... the glow and luminosity...like stars playing... like children running free...changing everything... the gardens full of color and life and the sun waking each flower and tree - yes ! iam your food and love - and all of the humans soothed by the gentle breezes - exposing the true beauty of everything - everywhere... light can not be stopped... no - it can not... the edges of beauty - the fringes of torment... no - not even these can be stopped.. all contained within my eyes... the beauty of light - the torment of darkness... all within my eyes... >>>>>>>>>>>>>> restraint... the is not a sad story. it is not a story with a happy ending... whatever you find between these pages i think youll agree that we are all finding the boundaries of our limits... the limits of our bodies and psyches... the limits can be exceeded. this is a story of finding those limits and then experiencing the netherworld of what comes after them.... the body is fragile - > the soul durable and eternal... the spirit renewable... it is my hope and wish that you are reminded of these things while you read my story... it is my hope that you find those limits within - and know there is more beyond that. icarus how deeply those who saw your flight loved thee...until you were gone... i dared...to be clean. to be happy. to cheat satan. I wanted to be loved...on my own terms... i dared to stand in the center of erotic love and touch it's power. i usurped it's healing balm for a time...affirming - light upon light come unto me... i dared to ask for immortality and peace at the same time... every night the delicious grey demons knocked on the door of my slumbers but i shunned them and there offers to dance in the moonlight... instead favoring the arms of mortals...and their lustful delights... each night a new and stronger man containing more light would enter offering to drink the wine...i drank it with abandon and danced in front of the demons and angels -- the devil may care... this caused them to howl with glee and take note of me... the simple clue to my demise would dictate that demons could only be attracted to one with such a light about him... and so... they allowed me to taste the food of the god's -- bath in the nectar... all the while the angels felt jealousy... and the mortals feared for me and cried in awe... little did i know i was upsetting the delicate balance of heaven and earth... all too soon i began to dream of flying higher... the angels around me could not protect me from my own yearnings...which grew... i ran - and prepared to fly... with all my deformities and the lead of my heart i still had the wonderous dreams of flying... i could not resist. standing near the edge... contemplating...and then daring god to stop me... i jumped. god did not stop me... a warmth reserved only for the departed soon enveloped me and then a pause... quiet. stillness. all movement ceased and... i began to fall.... from the grace of something cooler that would have allowed me to stay... all the beautiful bodies pouring out of me like ashes...the eternal gazes into divinity and the rembrance of them would be my punishment... the torment that i would never see again... the beauty i touched would never be pure again... soaring higher -- and then a pause... falling from the brilliance... scattering my wings into the ocean below... i hit the surface...into the cold and clear... traveling to the bottom... my story begins...in descent... the surface calm shattered: the glassy waters opened and swallowed me with delight... the horizon above could only whisper that i had been there: holding me as it were only then to release me and fall evermore... slow and floating within the icy liquid - freezing my hope...my lifeforce...my blood - my wings gone... had i died at this point it would have been splendid, i could have entered the realm of legends...but this was not to be... instead... a new darkness began... my punishment is to recant the tale... to live in the memory -- of wanting to be touched by god... now my only hope - being spared, is that i have earned the eyes of wisdom... mangled as i'am...but that is for you to decide... repenting here...is not a chore... it is my destin y... my repentance is simply that i' am and was lucky to be chosen andit is here that i give thanks to god for he/she made the demons that seduced me and the angels that healed me... if one be healed by my new presence then i can be redeemed and surface once more with the "gold" of knowledge... it is you who can remove my shackles...and allow me to carry the quiet torch. glowing as i'am...pure and warm.. >>>>>>>> snatched up from the abyss so long ago... july 5th 06 living in the solution... 2am >>>i flew too close to the light i wanted to touch - it almost destroyed me -- and yet iam here now -- all my brilliance like food for you - for your eyes... the smoke of your wanting -- encirlces and enters...pervades the room...burns another memory for me to save... surrounded by the water of your kindness in the room that you gave me... holding me safe... the power contained in your embrace astounding. the deformities in love are revealed...until perfection seeks me... the whsipering night, cool ever cool... gentle dreams - now is the time that my poetry flows freely - youthful - caught in the storm... for now i must hold the hand of my muse... she is seducing and loves - she is seducing me to dreams...she touches my forhead like no other... she is fine and pure... to whither in her arms would be an honor if you were to look upon her you would not see beauty... by her need to love me..iam inspired to make me strong for her words... the pain of all the curses she endures...not even the rain can wash away her presence... and still she favors me above all -- by reason or doubt - she consoles in the morninghour...is jealous of a world that could touch me...and i must admit that i love only her... the pain of being touched is the misery that forces the words from the hands... the music from the eyes... how i became worthy i will never know... and yet iam washed clean everytime... the torment of her absence makes me more in love... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Sean's internet "Bonus" article: You have to love this....from penis.com an obviously hetero site all about -you guessed it - The (Famous) Penis... heres a letter under the: "Am I gay" section: reprinted below: as follows: (You cant make this shit up...) Gay, bi or heterosexual? Many men have fantasies about, and sexual contact with, other men, both in their teenage years and in adulthood, and yet they would never dream of describing themselves as gay. So how is a young teenager who feels attracted to other boys or older men, or a married man who feels an urge to seek out sexual contact with other men, going to identify himself sexually? We all seem to have a need to label ourselves one way or another, which I personally don't think is helpful, but like penis size, it's almost an issue that is forced on us by society's expectations. The idea of this page is to offer some thoughts, guidance, information and reassurance about sexual feelings and activities between men, and some interpretation of what it all might mean for you - especially if you are a teenage boy or a married man. What proves a man is gay? (Or bisexual?) Is it the way he thinks? If, for example, you fantasize about men when masturbating, or you find yourself with an erection in the showers, does that mean you are gay? Here is an email from one of the visitors to this site: I might have a stupid question, but I do not know who to ask. I am 19 yrs old and still have no control when I get an erection. It is like I am in 8th grade and just hitting puberty. I am terrified to take showers with other guys because of it. I am not gay or turned on by the other naked guys or their penis, but just being naked and around other naked people just makes it pop up. I do not even think about sex and it happens. I have tried everything. I think about other things and try to stay focused on something but it never works. Is this normal or does it mean that I am indeed gay? My response: I do understand how embarrassing this may be for you! Whether a man is gay or not, he might not want to get an erection at the drop of a hat in a room of naked men! (Although the good side is that you are obviously very virile and sexually healthy....even if it is inconvenient, that really is something to be proud of....it affirms your manhood and masculinity). Men stop getting spontaneous erections in their twenties or thirties, and then need physical stimulation for their penis to become erect. Second, are you gay? Let's think about it. I have met many gay, bisexual and straight men over the years. One thing that is clear is that there isn't always a clear division between these three ways of being sexual. You probably know that many married or apparently heterosexual men have had sexual experiences with another man in adult life. There are many possible reasons for this: simple curiosity, lack of a sexual partner, it's simply exciting because it's "forbidden", feelings of affection or admiration spill over (as they do so easily in men) into sexiness. No doubt you could think of many more reasons. Does this mean these men are gay? I don't think so, because men who see themselves as gay will often tell you that they are not sexually attracted to women at all, even if they have close female friends. I think anything which is mutually consented, based on respect and equality, and fun, is perfectly acceptable for adults to do together, whether they are the same sex or not. Of course there is always the issue of avoiding hurt to any one else in the situation, which is very important too. However, if you do feel attracted to men, what I'm saying is that it might mean you're gay - or it might not. But you need to keep in mind that admiring the look of other male bodies - whether or not you are attracted to them - is quite normal! And in fact the male body in general and the penis in particular are both wonderful. A male body is a sexy thing - the evidence of this is a penis dangling in front of every man for him to see, all the time. In this way, with such overt stimuli, and the sexiness of your 19 year old body, I wouldn't necessarily read gayness into your erections. I could read sexual frustration and sexiness there, instead. Third, how do you know if you are gay? Well, the classic advice is that if your fantasies center on men or their penises when you masturbate then you're probably gay. (By the way, are you masturbating?...I guess probably you are, but if you're not, then doing so might give you pleasure and reduce your tendency to get an erection in the showers.) But even this isn't a perfect guide: many straight men fantasize about having sex with other men, and never do it. This is emotion spilling into the realm of sexuality, which happens because those two things are so closely linked in men. But I think there is enough truth in this for it to be helpful in deciding where your interest might lie: if you fantasize about one or other sex and find it feels right then that may well be a sign of your sexual orientation. The bit about "it feeling right" is very important: men who don't want to be gay - which I believe applies to most gay men before they come to terms with their orientation and learn the happiness and acceptance that being gay can provide - often deceive themselves for years that their attraction to women is strong or comfortable for them, when it just doesn't feel right - and, more to the point, they know it isn't right, at some level, even if they aren't admitting it to themselves yet. Finally, your sexuality will probably evolve anyway as you get older, and as you get more sexual experience. Did my reply help? I don't know. In general, though, I guess that if a man is really deeply involved with the question of whether he's gay or not, the process of coming to terms with it is a long and slow one. He needs to gather as much information as possible, assess the facts, and experiment sexually to find out what is right. This process, of course, is no different for anyone, regardless of their sexual orientation. I mentioned above that one of the classic indicators of gay sexual orientation has always been assumed to be the nature of a man's fantasy life. However, this is a statement that needs to be qualified. Here are some questions based on extracts from Jackin'World's questions and answers page: >>>>>>> for more go to: http://www.the-penis.com/gay.html :) they say money makes the world go round...but I beg to difffer... I think cock does... :) Sean here..... thnkx for the visit..... some of my video picks are here: www.youtube.com/seanbateman69 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://marcosalchemy.blogspot.com/ >>> youtube/seanbateman69 >>>>>>>> Facebook me: Sean Adonis Bateman - nyc kiss kiss -- bang bang... >>>>>>>myspacers I"am here: myspace,com/hotdick24 AOL IM = seanbateman9 blogs: http://dreamblog-kirk.blogspot.com/ http://sb9sexualhyperspace.blogspot.com/ http://seanbateman9.blogspot.com/ >>>>>>>>>> bryan and mark dark angel Category: Dreams and the Supernatural bryan - mark thanksgiving i wake up in a whirlpool... i try to find another day i try to find a way to make my self better i go down in whirlpool... about to lose conciousness... above me - on top of me a 23 year old beads his sweat onto my face... his upper torso is covered with tats... the arms -- meeting his cliched fists...are likewise inked... inked in that east villiage - "hr giger" screaming demon - hot punk toughie kinda way... i try to close my legs, he's too strong - too big on top of me at once -my arms are held tight behind my head by one of his strong adereniline fueled angry irish boy hands - the other administers another blow to my chest - and then he descends...his chin to mine... a long slow kiss as he forces his hips into mine and then moves quickly to lift me up...and hits the target area... his ringing phallus - head finds my hole...and then he pushes me down again...another kiss. deep and so passionate, i'am not sure if I'am being raped - or made love to or simply beaten into bleeding and lust... it's all seeping into a blur... but i feel the heat at my center and the head of his cock entering, sideways, then he pulls back, straightens his hips again - sslaps me hard and re-applies the bullet to my ass...it opens...and then another long slow kiss and he heaves into me... "you wanted it bitch..." my eyes glaze over bryan... i press my head to the center of his chest and turn my head to the side and hold it tight against the center - the hair of his pecs moist...highlighting the peirced flaming heart tattoo...the sword descends from the throat down to just below his solar plexus...inscribed on each side: "love - hate..." and at the bottom: "make your choice..." the tighness of my ass is gone... the feeling of terror gone... i sense the movements...filter through the air - about to leave my body... i can see everything from above...the poetry of fear, the cursed need of the bodies...my eyes full of light... his ass so fine and white and powerful...tensing and precise...sliding his entire self into my hole...the cock igniting the raging burn...covered with sweat...the beads from his face sting my eyes... my arms wrapped tight around his back....both vessals open - it was just an hour ago we were on the street-- his cock was hard and then out of his pants -- three tourists - young girls watched briefly -- and then quickly moved down the block -- "who fucking cares??" he grabs the scruff of my neck and says -- "lets go...your place..." angels above - whispering... enveloped in a golden ball of light.... a current of love...i turn to sense the presence... i let go - angels with me watching -- the whirlpool opens... a portal appears... the room disappears... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> i'am twelve years old. I'am in an empty field. a lot full of dirt mounds and dying tall grass... the wind rustles through the reeds...and two young beautiful boys run and scream through a path... one of the boys is older, handsome, around 16 with soft brown eyes...a strong youthful torso....legs running after the other one...hands opened to feel the reeds as i run along to a clearing....but my cousin - mark is fast behind, he tackles me: hard and i fall and hit my chin on a rock... I'am on my stomache. mark's hands hold fast to the sides of my jeans...and my pants edge down slightly to expose my ass...i try to crawl away but this only pulls my pants down more...until they are almost to my kness... i gather my strentgh and struggle free...and run while rying to pull up pants...a few yeards more and i'll be in the clearing...and will have won the race... i lay there in the circle. on my back. a trickle of blood on my lip...breathing fast. pulling up my pants - looking up to the sun...moving across the secret sky...a ray of light catches my eyes and for a moment blinds me...but mark comes up - kneels next to me and with one hand presses it onto my chest and holds me down... he looks upon me...and smiles. out of breathe. i laugh. he laughs.... "you won this time..." then his belt is undone... and his young hard dick grazes my cheek and then it is in my mouth...and i'am sucking it -- almost by instinct but i remember - it wasn't something planned, it just happened... "oy yeah -- thats nice...dirk...yeah, don't tell...it's our secret..." i sensed something new happening in me - my own cock begins to swell...and aches...and mark presses his hands to my crotch...and says: "Beautiful..." mark was my first boyfriend. i guess you could say that... then we both pause...sounds from the outer rim of the clearing... two other boys are watching... mark stands up. fixes his member back into his pants and without warning grabs one of the kids by his t-shirt and lifts him up into the air...high above him and then throws a hard clean punch into his stomache and the small frame flies back and hits the dirt.... the other boy runs away... "don't you ever fucking come back here or I'll kill you..." mark yells and smashes the kids face into the dirt -- "hear me ?" "yes..." the boy cries and then runs away. the lot is quiet. mark picks me up. "c'mon - lets go.." we walk slowly away from the clearin back into the reeds and onto the trail...he pats my ass. "you go ahead - I'll be there in a minute..." I look back. mark has fallen to his knees... pants unbuttoned - he looks down -- stroking his dick fast...his face contorts...he lets out a small cry...and tilts his head back....his body spasms... "ah - ah ...ahhhh..." he disappears... i go back to my aunts house and watch tv... mark comes in about 15 minutes later like nothing happened... we watch tv the rest of the afternoon... later that night i had my first orgasm. mark kissed me - sucked my cock and made me suck his... he bit my dick hard enough to make me cry. he fingered my hole....while he jacked me off -- until i came... he pushed me down - as my balls squirted out a young fresh load of jizz -- he covered my head with a pillow to muffle the yell... I smell the sex of our bodies, fresh - sharp, powerful... he was a man. smelled like a man - to this day - in comparison - i now know mark had one of the biggest dicks i've ever seen... i fall a sleep next to him exhausted....at peace... warm. >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I'am standing in the shower. bryan holds my cheek up to the water. theres a welt on my face. i can feel blood draining into my eye, mingled with the warm water... i'am limp in his arms... he holds me upright. as if some sacred light were bathing us...i snese that he also is in some unspeakble pain -- some deep psychic wound witin him likewise has arisen...as he holds me -- for a pause - there is understanding... i'am not sure who i'am to him....but i'am somebody...somebody from his past...he is in pain also... the steam and pain - the haze from my eyes...bryan, mark, bryan, carries me to the bed and throwns me face down and then begins to fuck me again... I'am relaxed. this time he shoots a hot load up my ass... and i collapse... hours later. silent. bryan is clothed. i kneel before him.... hold his boots to each foot and slip them on... i lace up the laces and tie them... i gaze to meet his eyes...we both nod. "see ya..." he mumbles and then the room is empty. the dark angel has left... the rest of the city sits down and prays... they are wrapped in the spirit - a bounty of food and gratitude...kitchens all over the country are warm with the scents of cranberry, sage and turkey.... i lay on my back. wondering if i should go to the hospital... i make my way to the refridgerator. open the door... take a swig from a bottle of ice water. it hits the back of my throat...i hear "happy thanksgiving..." from the apartment above me... my legs buckle. i fall to the floor... the refridgerator door swings back and forth... i awoke hours later - the ice from the freezer pooled onto the floor...stinging my back... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

• seanblog: by seanbateman9 "Meeting Marta." (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  april 29 06 sunday 9:30am weather clear slept on and off six hours no night sweats woke up wanting to chain smoke... I make some coffee. I smoke some cigs and meditate. i play "moodswings" spiritual high if your not familiar with this music cd, you might wanna check into it. a classic kind of ambient pop riff that can hypnotize you. more like trance music perhaps. it's good to meditate to...soothing. I close my eyes. be like water... water is powerful. it can rust metal. destroy earth. put out fire. why is our planet called "Earth" when it's 75% water? what I'am going to say next--- you may not understand or you may understand completely, but i think I'am ready to get back into my body... I think i left for awhile kinda hovering around. I probably left during my hospital stay because there was too much pain in my actual body. the white light in the room is probably me. I'am sure of it. over the last twenty years my psychic teachers have taught me to: "be in my body," stay "grounded" and be "present." my first real teacher - "marta" was very spry and upbeat. we made a connection through a fraternity brother after graduation. joe, my kinda soul brother from college suggested i call this woman: a good friend of his. joe and I hung out in college and were fraternity brothers. we drank together and became really tight. joe was an artist and anti corporate, anti- preppy, kinda one of the first slackers, i guess. things changed when he got married a few years after school. he got married, which i thought was great but after moving to the suburbs of san francisco he secured a job negotiating "arms" to third world countries and acting as a middle man and charged a fee. I really snapped when he told me... even back then I realized or felt that there would be a heavy karmic debt for him if and when those weapons would be used to kill people... I really couldn't believe a guy as bright as joe wouldn't realize the karmic ramifications of dealing nuclear arms - but he wanted financial security and this was how he wanted to achieve it. joe became like a second son to my parents after my father bailed him out of jail early one sunday afternoon. he got arrested for shooting off a handgun around 7am, in an alcohol haze, while blasting german nationalist music into the walls of his room in our fraternity house. joe had visited germany on spring break and brought back these "glass boots" - they were drinking glasses. the actual size of a real boot. six canned beers filled them up. apparently: saturday turned into sunday morning and joe began taking pistol target practice into the walls of his room: known back then as the "log cabin..." in the early 80s, one of the brothers had taken the time to decorate the walls and ceiling of room number 8 with actual tree logs. when you were inside the 10 by 12 space you were in a log cabin... campus security and the lapd showed up within a few minutes: receiving several phone calls from panicked sorority and fraternity houses near by on fraternity row... joe was in east LA county jail - calling me begging to come and get him. he was terrified. surround by guys in orange cover-alls wanted to bang his tight white lil rich boy azzzz... I'am sure I was hung over when he called: "Yeah man I'll be right there..." I walked down the hall to my dad's office next to the study we had in our house... Dad was on the phone. i figured hed say: "no." give me some lecture -- but he didn't. he went to the safe pulled out three grand and said, "tell him i want to see him after he gets out." although i wasn't in the office when joe went to see my Dad: i think my dad gave him a good talking to and joe promised to pay back the money and that it wouldn't happen again. in a sense my father kinda adopted joe as a father figure after that and since Joe's father passed away when he was a boy i think he needed a strong male influence to guide him. through the years after I moved to new york joe became even closer to my family, meeting my parents at the indy 500 every year and sharing stock and business tips. YEARS LATER -- I got sober: I had to detach from my past and college pals and family. I basically disappeared from the fraternity scene. and stopped hanging out at my regular haunts... No more "polo lounge" - "901" club binges -- bloody mary pass outs around the pools of palm springs...sneaking into rooms at the "chateau Marmont" -- looking to "star fuck" a few closeted mega-stars...< names withheld by request...> No more lifting my parents credit cards...or crashing cars... borrowing my father's work trucks to cruise rest stops -- in a closeted drunken haze... I had to lay low...get sober - clear out my head... Just to let you know: there were no "detoxes" back then...you did it yourself -- by sheer will...got sober -- I had to disappear... joe kinda filled the void and became the son my dad always wanted... Joe and I connected years later after I ran away to nyc... I had about six months of sobriety under my belt... my parents had cut me off financially... I got a survival job as a butler of all things...to the rich and famous at the infamous Hotel Acropolis... I dialed Joe's number -- I was shaking - I had to tell him I was in nyc - that I was sober and couldn't drink anymore...and confirm what he probably all ready knew about me: that I was a fag... we talked along time. He said he was glad that we re-connected. then he told me what he did for a living. I was horrified. truly. and tried to explain the karmic ramifications but he was insulted. In fact he was startled because he assumed somewhere that i would think it was cool. actually I can see how he would draw that conclusion. while in school, drinking and throwing around my dad's cash I was an elitist - racist lazy alcoholic preppy rich kid that only wanted to be rich and retire at thirty. that was the late 80s. joe on the other hand came from modest means. had no father nor any goals or direction. he took care of his mother, was on financial aid to pay for tuition and was more an artist than an elitist business man. I remember some of joes drawings and even then before i knew anything about art or the the art world I knew he had a gift. * * * late one night joe and I had been up drinking and smoking pot we decided to slit our thumbs and have a ceremony to solidify our friendship. I had a Polaroid camera at the time and we took pictures of the blood from our cut fingers, we took pics of us holding our thumbs together. from 7:03 - to 8:03am. that sunday morning - the morning of the "blood brothers" we mixed our blood - thumb by thumb -- looked into each others eyes -- promised wed always watch out for each other -- and then wrote out a contract and singed it in blood -- >>>> we'd be "friends for life." our bloody thumb prints were pressed onto a notebook page with a sentences i scrawled about "being bros" for life. stoned, high and hung over all at once, our mantra became: "7:03 (am) 8:03 (am) BBFL" (blood brothers for life) later that week i found a small tin box and stashed the Polaroid's and grisly -- stained contract smeared with blood inside. then wrapped several layers of duct tape around it and stashed it underneath a loose floor board in our fraternity house. nailing the floorboard down so no one would ever think to look there. as far as i know it's still there. when i disappeared into the greek islands and then resurfaced in nyc determined to get sober and never return to LA joe was the first person I called. the phone calls always began like this without saying my name I'd mumble the "code." 7:03 - then hed come back with 8:03 and then together wed respond BBFL... that was a long, long time ago... i truly always felt that joe and I had switched bodies that morning. that our spirits did -- and the truth is in the telling... he became a millionaire business man. I got sober and became an artist. a starving artist but a sober one... before we got into it about him dealing nuclear arms - where I flipped out and severed the friendship: I told him if that was what he wanted to do that with his life then we should probably part as friends... I know he was hurt... however the phone call before that one joe suggested I contact a friend of his who lived in marin county just outside of san francisco. he said that he had an idea that we - his friend, "marta" and i should speak on the phone and to give her a call... "shes psychic bro , you'd totally dig her. she's gonna give you a reading..." joe announced to me... now -- you have to understand a few things. as my alcoholism progressed in college I stopped attending my classes for a semester, drinking night and day and reading the bible: specifically "the book of revelations." i was having visions, probably more from the DTs than anything else, but they seemed real to me at that time. my journey into the occult, channeled writing, and mysticism was just beginning. I wrote - and rewrote the fraternity ceremonies and presided over them. i was elected the "grand master of ceremonies" three years in a row... we had all kinds of fucked up late night ceremonies for the pledges...some of them funny -- pouring wine over the young initiates in their boxers...getting them drunk and high -- making them do push-ups - making them swear to honor and obey the fraternity house laws and secret codes...making them earn there way into the campuses number one frat-house... I rescued some black robes with hand embroidered symbols of our fraternity, candles, and written rituals of initiation i found one night in a locked closet which I'am guessing kinda fell to the way side in the 70s... any and all things "mysto" - for the "House" were handled by me... i had the perfect -- "weird psychic profile" - the sense of humor and if truth be told, the "trans-medium" quality to preside over these ceremonies. a kind of "dark priest" on training..I took to the dark greek late night masses naturally.. i was a natural choice to reside over these rituals: all the pledges feared and respected me... "mysto" - is a very common term in secret societies and refers to initiation practices and ceremonies - codes, secret handshakes and founding ideas of the fraternity or sorority: which are to be held as secrets by its members but known to all members world wide...every "house" has national founding principals -- and then there are "chapter" specific rituals as well that have developed through the years... principals and rituals the members promise to uphold -- pass on but never divulge to outsiders -- this is one of the things that create sacred bonds between the members... >>>"Blood Brothers For Life..." >>>sitting here 20 years later and seeing the hiv anti-virals on the night-stand it all seems like another lifetime: and it was... be like water... it was joe that made my connection to the occult complete with his introduction to marta. interestingly enough it was not the sexual orientation differences between joe and I that severed our friendship like so many others from college who vented their phobias, rage and judgments onto me when they found out either by self disclosure or the rumor mill that I was a "fag." no -- joe and I differed on political fronts - he became the elitist reagan republican - I tuned bleeding heart liberal after getting sober and living in poverty. joe was very matter of fact when i told him that i was gay in the late 80s... there i was confessing my core admission and asking that he absolve me : then turning around and throwing a harsh judgement his way... I can now see perhaps other ways i might have handled that phone call differently and perhaps kept joe as a friend.... i was truly concerned for his "karmic" soul well-being...or maybe i just wanted a clean break from my old life and friends in LA. i dunno... I was getting sober... coming out of the closet, which by the way was something you "had" to do in the late 80s or stay in the "closet" and suffer through changing pronouns at dinner parties and living two lives... "Two lives"...: One you showed to the "hetero" world and one lived in the gay ghetto of queer bars and nightclubs. unless you went into a "gay specific" profession -- hairdresser -- florist -- clothing retail or broadway -- you had two choices at that time and the choices were financial not sexual... either be and move in the business world pretending to be a straight man - or come out and find a work place where youd be "tolerated." but essentially free to be yourself. that was easy - the restaurant service industry in manhattan. tolerated - out of the closet...sounds kinda funny now -- and terribly dated -- but -- twenty years ago the best you could do -- if you were "out" was act like a queen in the hopes of entertaining the heteros into liking you or proving you were quite harmless and effeminate and give up you power as a male and then hope you weren't fag bashed after work... or even worse disclosing something that ---now, in 2006 --- you see as "nobodies business" and never has been -- back then if you were "out" you were expected to apologize for it every minute... as long as you lowered your head and knew "your place," then it was cool... those concessions were not negotiable in my eyes and haven't been since I first "came out." TO ME: "coming out" was about throwing off the shackles of fear - deny the bullshit - psychic bondage of the hetero world: it was about not living in fear/// it was about coming into the light -- A light of power...not weakness. an act of courage -- not cowardice... it was about--- not living in a dark closet of self hatred and conformity. It was about authenticity. about challenging the social and sexual structure and rigid fascist gender roles that caused us all to suffer gay and non - gay alike. i had the intention to be upfront about who i was: i made my choice -- not the choice to be gay mind you -- iam afraid that was always there...i made the choice to be open about it -- no live a lie...not have to wonder who might expose me or "my secret..." this alienated me from the business world and the hetero communities at large: at that time: in short you could move in the larger business world BUT - you had to be straight...had to lie -- have a girlfriend hanging around to take to corporate functions...talk about her to your bros...this is how you got promotions and made the cash -- by being chums in the office -- boardrooms and private - member clubs of the 80s... >>>>>>>fags were not allowed -- no gay guys wanted - and just for the record -- a gay guy couldn't be just "a regular guy" -- an average - "joe citizen" or even a masculine dude playing sports or climbing rocks on his day off -- or shooting hoops with some bros in the park on sunday... today we know differently - of course that basically gay guys are a sure 10-15 %across the board cross section of the general population... If you lived in the truth that you knew since you were first sexually conscious -- the truth about what your body felt like when you as a boy looked at the other boys -- if you really just laid it down - told it how it was -- then you were laid out -- subject to anyone's fucked up ignorance -- psychic dark projections -- and you opened yourself up to being the victim of physical violence -- back then :no one would protect you -- care for you -- own you....the basic idea was: all fags deserved to die- yeah it was that intense...this kinda made you grow to hate the hetero population in general actually -- if you were gay - it meant you were a pussy -- weak -- mentally defective...unclean...something evil...unwanted...mentally ill... seems laughable now -- back then -- the concealment or exposure of love and truth meant the ruin or favor of countless men and women...who either made millions by staying in the closet or risking absolute alienation and ruin in your public and or private life... I've heard uncountable stories of the quarter back - the head coach -- and even joe average being outed - forced to leave town -- live in urbania -- in a gay ghetto...branded and banished -- for being found out -- no questions asked -- now we don't want you...period. sorry. living "openly gay" >>>20 years ago was like taking a vow of eternal poverty --- the trade off was that I could live with myself - but i was not willing to give up my masculinity just because I preferred same sex partners, romance or sex. this caused me alot of trouble through the years.... and even a few violent episodes around me -- one in particular... at my butler job -- in the kitchen --- A line cook -- who weighed around 200 pounds and was "bottoming out" on crack-cocaine and was probably a fag too...but acted "all straight" -- and really was probably just turned on by my white ass... threw a knife at me one night in the kitchen...he missed... and by the way went to detox a week later... be like water... NOW -- TODAY 1:40pm sean calls - comes over -- tries to fuck me again - we talk of his lover - etc, he tells me that he loves me again and then tries to undo his pants -- He pulls out his cock and starts stroking it -- stands over the bed..."just let me...--- jerk off --in front of you -- touch you..." I look like "ET" -- I weigh 110 pounds.. I'am half dead -- and he still thinks --I'am sexy -- "SEAN - "stop it now" -- I say flatly-- and tell him that he should leave... 2:45pm jeremy james stops by and brings some friend chicken and mac and cheese.... my psychic activity is high. kate from LA calls... we discuss that the "mothership" is over LA -- how nobody smokes there or swears, how all the citizens of greater southern california are vain and self obsessed. she describes a catering job where one of the guests speaks broken spanish to her -- as if she were some wet-backed illegal... Kate's about as close to that as Madonna is to mother teresa... i take half a vicaden and pass out while on the phone - I have a strange dream-- I dream of la - Iam trying to make a reservation into the hottest restaurant. the hostess is flirting with me -- there is light everywhere - she keeps saying - "were going to put you on the seventh floor. You have to go to another level..." I ascend the stairs that she points me to - I walk up flights and flights of stairs...then - finally come to a bluish door and open it up...there before me is the most "fabulous" cocktail party of anyone's dreams... Everyone is hot and sexy and young and rich... everything is beautiful...then through the crowd -- a guy -- maybe the "man of my dreams" parts the crowd... winks to me -- and says: "hey man -- weve been waiting for you -- welcome home..." he walks over plants a perfect long kiss on my lips... this guy is my life partner. the guy i've dreamt about my entire life... he looks into my eyes...I feel at home... Just then a butler type of older gentleman appears and is standing next to me -- I turn to speak with him..He hands me a phone...i take the receiver in my hand and gaze toward Mr. handsome who winks at me again...i nod as if to say -- "i'll be just a moment..." a voice on the other end says..."you know you can't stay there...it's time to come back...your not done...you have to come back....now..." i feel dred and pain... i turn around and then everything disappears... everything is gone... I'am floating in a cloud of mist...a tiny spec of human flesh swirling around and then falling back into the right portal through a haze of blue mist...i fall and fall and then hit a pool of despair...BAMM! I awake with a start...remembering the dream...the perfect dream and my perfect partner up there -- somewhere.. aching to be "back there" again... I'am covered in sweat... I sit on the edge of the bed for a long time...i didn't cry but wanted to... * * * >>>>>the first psychic phone call went something like this -- "hey -- ah hello --- ah Marta? yeah this is Dirk rogers... joe told me to call you...he said that you were psychic... might give me a tarot reading..." "yes - this is marta...I live outside the bay area... yes I'am a psychic..." marta's voice was distinct. kind of high pitched. she was spry and giggled...around mid thirties i guessed... "how do i know your really psychic...?" i responded and then asked her - "can you "see" my apartment? if so -- describe it to me over the phone?" "oh. ok if thats the test." she enquired -- and said "yes I can..." >long pause > "ok. no problem..." i wait -- >Short Pause> she continues... "Well, you walk in the door and theres a bathroom to the right, theres a window on the far wall... your bed is in the corner. the bedspread is ah...a blue-ish aqua color...and theres a bookcase in the middle of the longer wall... theres a small table with a lamp...and ah - when are you gonna pick up your clothes...?" she kinda howls and giggles...and then waits for me to respond.. >>>>>>>> "ah I don't know what to say..." i mumbled. i was truly stunned. but it was all true. she nailed the description of my space perfectly... "well ah - do you have a message for me or...i mean what do i need to know...?" she replies... "oh -- ok - i can feel you reading my aura...right now -- so you might want to stay out of my chakras..." she laughs again... (( you have to remember )) this was around september of 1984... before the "psychic friends network" before "Jon Edward's" before Sylvia brown wrote her best selling books on the "white light" and "the other side"...before the "harry potter" series of books that in a way -- opened people's minds to the idea that "witches" were something good or atleast something not to be feared...the idea that you could be "born a "Witch" - that a person could be born with - >>>"powers..." or be "different" - and that some people were not...that others were "muggles" so to speak...or ordinary people...some are "normal" and some are extraordinary... 1984 was a time when everyone tried to fit into the same box -- act the same -- look the same -- dress the same.. you were expected to "fit in." the occult or anything mystical or spiritual back then --- was considered dark, and dangerous and even - in the "christian-morality" sense -- evil... "get out of my aura." id never heard that one before... I pull in. pull back my "energy" instinctively... i kinda freeze... marta laughs again... "look at you -- your all pulled in now >>>in "survival mode" you can relax...i guess your not used to being around your "own kind." i think it's time you attract other people like you -- be around people that can validate who and what you are..." I'am startled a bit...and reply..."ah -- and what exactly am i ?? "you know what you are - it's just time to own that and your power...get back into your body, i want you to -- come back to your body...lets see - I'am just going to "ground" you -- is that ok? >>>don't worry i can do it over the phone...you feel that sensation on the top of your head? thats me -- " she giggles again a bit and pauses... it was true -- i did feel a light - caressing feeling - a tingling around my head and neck...it felt good - warm -- like light... i wait and say nothing... then i feel i tingling sensation on the small of my back - my arms and then my head again -- like a spirit moving and touching me softly... then all of a sudden i feel different in my body...the colors and sounds were different...sharper and clean...like i just had a "psychic" bath or cleansing or something...i felt heavier...but more solid... "there ya go -- isn't that better?" she inquires... "ah-- yeah i guess..." I was simultaneously freaked out and elated... i thought to myself..>>>"finally, iam going to get some answers...theres somebody that knows whats going on... finally i met a "real person..." that thought -- "a real person"...seemed to come out of the blue...and told me volumes about what i thought of people in general... that they were stupid...a sleep. unaware... that they all seemed like zombies roaming around mindlessly and i was trapped here among them - lost -- alone -- just simply alone here with no one to talk to -- i WAS different but didn't know how...I didn't belong HERE...in this reality -- i was in the wrong time frame or something -- i knew I didn't belong in the material world -- but never could grasp or form those ideas internally - or in my mind... i hadn't been exposed to another "witch" until now -- the constant thought in the back of my mind was vague but some thing akin to: "god do i hate it HERE -- wheres the doorway out...i have to get out of here -- to go -- "back home..." this unspoken feeling -- idea now forming as a description in my thoughts and mind also explained why i always had an "aire" of superiority with regard to other people in general ...i knew i was something different - different from most of the people i knew... my parents were > kind of > afraid of me at times -- a fear that was never spoken...but remained in the air -- especially after i told them one afternoon in the kitchen of our suburban track home: "ah mom - dad - I'am ready to go home... I want to go home...now" my mother looked at me. i couldn't have been more than ten years old...she replied: "honey we are home..." i responded: "no i mean "HOME..." up there...where i came from..." i said pointing upwards...and looking to my "earth?" parents... as if it were totally obvious that this "reality" was not our "home." i looked at them like -- as if to say :>>>>"don't you know that?? -- don't you know about the "other side" ?? like -- "Don't you remember???" and then realizing that they truly did not "know" a true dread came over me - it must have been apparent on my face... as young as i was -- right then and there i looked down in despair...and shook my head - i must have thought something to the effect of: "oh no...i'am TRAPPED here -- and they don't know anything and they can't help me or teach me anything...I'am trapped - i fell down the wrong > hole ? theres been a mistake - how did i get HERE ? i want to go home...iam stuck in this little body and i don't like it...everything is so heavy and slow --- this is a bad dream -- a nightmare...they don't know ANYTHING..." the feeling of isolation i had at ten had solidified through the years - and always the thoughts in the back of my mind -- "i got lost here -- i'll just have to wait it out...and see what happens...I'am an alien here -- an impostor - a spirit that got forced into a body..." i looked up to my mother...the chasm of separation that had been there -- since i was born -- all of my ten or twelve young years here on earth -- was now underlined...it was painful yet telling.. my parents were - "muggels" they were not like me -- they were not witches...and i would have to protect myself and play dumb until i was old enough to get away.. run away somewhere and find "my people..." i stood there waiting and then repeated - "our home"...meaning where we "really" come from... the spiritual dimension.. they shook their heads - and brushed it off -- told me to go and play -- or go outside...but that comment hung in the air for years...they knew i was different and were afraid for me -- and maybe afraid of me...the unspoken truth -- "our son's a little ---witch --" >>>in retrospect i suppose I' am lucky that they didn't take me to a head shrinker...or even worse they could have been some freaked out bible thumping christians and told me that i was the "devil" or something to that effect... everything was being explained and coming together in my mind -- the strange visions i had - the knowing quality i had about me - the way the other kids in the neighborhood surrounded me asking all sorts of questions about life and the world --- as if i was the pontiff or "master" and they were my students.... It also explained why i watched the Tv series: "Bewitched" with such fascination...or that the disney film "escape to witch mountain" was one of my favorite films -- it explained why my favorite game to play with my best friend was -- "Kung Fu Master" after the Tv series... i played "the master" and my friend was the "grasshopper..." i remembered my childhood fort that i built on the side of the house with old plywood - and tarps...finding a thrown out broken table on the street and rescuing it -- bringing it to the fort...and finding or buying candles and lighting them -- my mother coming to the fort one afternoon - and pulling the blanket that served as the door -- nailed to the top of the plywood - she pulled the curtain back -- and looked inside - perhaps pondering or thinking i might be playing "doctor" with the other kids -- the little girls or boys my age --*** ***(my mother wasn't stupid thou at all and i don't mean to give that impression of my parents here -- they were really intelligent people -- if not cut-off from the spiritual realm....they were really extremely successful --- in the material world - they were millionaires which i didn't know. i had no idea what money meant and that my father was rich. rich. rich. -- i didn't know or took for granted the fact that at one time we had 7 speedboats -- or took three vacations a year...my parents were multimillionaires. i realized this when working for my father's construction business. i walked onto the job-site and when one of the workers from another company asked my name and realized who i was he said: "on my god -- your rich -- your a rich kid -- " i shook my head -- and pondered it -- our home was a modest one in a track of housing -- nothing seemed special about it -- we got a new cadillac every three years...my father paid cash for everything... i didn't really add up the general idea of where I came from in the material world until i was around 20 years old. my parents were alpha "alpha male" type people -- with intense goals -- and truly powerful in their own ways... in fact my mother always knew i was a lil fag waiting to happen... ((but thats another entire chapter that i'll have to tell you about later...)) there i was in the fort in the late afternoon...she pulls back the blanket to peer inside -- and she sees me sitting there in front of several lit candles on a broken table: just staring into the light... i looked up from my trance...i was around 12-13 years old maybe... I was obviously meditating even though i didn't know what that was...i went right to the candles and lit them and stared at them on instinct... A long pause -- i remember that I 'am on the phone with marta- "yeah can you tell me - who or what I' am...i HATE it HERE! God do i hate it here so much..." i replied knowing for the first time that some one would know what i meant when i said; "I Hate it HERE..." I meant this incarnation of reality...the material realm... "well ah...'' -- she pauses...forming an explanation -- and then simply says: "you'll get used to it -- you haven't incarnated in a long - long time...haven't had a body in a long - long time... who you are -- ? well lets see -- well your what is known as a "trans-medium..." I ponder for her words for a minute...then i ask: "am i like the most powerful...? do i have like ah - all the psychic gifts? the highest you can go?" she replies a clear definitive -- "yep. your the highest you can go -- you have all the psychic gifts... I' am sending you little "hello" right now - you've kinda forgotten who you are...what you are...maybe you had to in order to survive... i want you to come into "present time" imagine in your minds eye -- a chalkboard - write on the chalkboard the date and the year that were in now..." I do this...i imagine that i write the date and year...hold the image in my mind...i feel different again...like i just woke up.. "ok good - better...good...thats right - call all your energy and "information" into present time...call back your "Seniority" pull your "aura" in a little -- ok good -- no, thats too much -- you don't want to be in "survival mode" either...there ya go - thats right...your aura should be around 6-8 feet around you -- it was all over the place...that looks much better... do you remember the time you looked up to the sky you were 15 i think and you asked god to bring you a person you could talk to? well here I'am...you called me in -- manifested me -- ask me anything you like... my first and immediate response and question flew from my lips with ease...it was and had been the only question I had ever had... "WHY am i here? in this reality -- what am i doing here --? what is my purpose??" she laughed again -- as if to say -- is that what you wanted to know -- thats an easy one -- "you came back to teach...you are kinda -- well no you are-- you are -- ah ---- your a god on earth...you came to have fun -- i suppose to experiment...with some specific intentions..." marta never mentioned the word "witch" actually it was davey lowenstein who kinda brought that up and we adopted that phrase as a catch all for mystical or powerful people weve met a long the way -- witches are born not made -- gay guyz are born - not made -- geniuses are born - not made and true artists and poets and healers and shamen are born - not made--- i happened to be all of those or atleast marta seemed to think so ... my mind was reeling - i was over loaded and over stimulated - now fully present i now knew why i was always in the cosmos albeit my body walking around and i visiting it on occasion... when it really needed me - "A GOD ON EARTH..." "ah ok --" i mumbled and trailed off...gone again...lost in my thoughts - the past - the present - the future... it would take me years to process that first telephone meeting and her comment and ideas - integrate them and own them... A god on earth -- I' ve been called "the devil" many times in jest for my sharp wicked humor and yeah devilish grin and laugh... and at other time called a savior and angel... i often thought to myself... A god on earth would not live in a rent stabilized studio -- would he ? with never more than a hundred dollars to his name -- counting pennies for a pack of smokes or some bagels to munch on because i didn't have the cash to spend on a real meal... but well fed spiritually, staying clean and sober... spending my time making art - : learning to draw and paint and read and, write my poetry and life stories... of course - writing them for you to read... i'am here now with you -- guiding you on your journey - a spirit with a body...moving through time - leaving a trail of my adventures behind -- that is my gift to you and to the world... * * * i come back to the present time and remember and reflect on who i was back then in 1984 - lost -- still kinda drunk around the edges and getting sober and detoxing -- and realizing who and what i was --- it all seems like such a long time ago - another lifetime -- ive "re-incarnated" atleast a dozen times since then... fresh from another near-death experience and a ten day hospital stay... i feel love and empathy for that lost boy/man that i was... now i was concerned with a medication schedule -- popping pills daily to keep me -- my body alive here in this reality --- my mind remembering other life times... i felt old -- like an old - old - soul -- like the tarot card of "the hermit" an old - kinda "yoda" type entity... and then snapped out of it -- and thought of my Tv show and my personae that i had now -- it wasn't bad -- it wasn't bad at all... i realized that i could "morph" and have many times... at once becoming -- a hustler - stud -- yang filled apollo - an alchemist... an in the gutter drunk...a sex addict deluxx - a dominatrixx-master -- sex magician covered with tats -- a shaman -- a strange queer guru of sorts -- a victim - a hero -- a painter and esthete, A jean genet-esque wanna be rouge giving blow jobs to thugs in an alley way -- a character from a john ritchy novel... a codependent kinda emotional mess -- a sopranos type limousine driver...a chef, a butler and sometimes confidant to the rich - powerful and famous -- a lover, a fighter >>> a vampire... a poet and healed healer... a shaman -- a tv talk show host -- and now -- yeah a powerful gay witch -- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I silently pray to marta - where ever she is -- i lost touch with her years ago -- she was an angel along the path - that saved my life and told me -- directed me to what i'am and was...thanks... * * * i look out my hells kitchen studio windows and mumble the words..."row row row your boat gently down the stream... merrily merrily merrily - life is but a dream..." and what a dream it is: a dream of beautiful boys/guys/men... the dream of an alchemist -- the dream of an angel who got too close to the material world -- fell in love with it and fell from grace -- earning my way back home -- to heaven...walking through hell... * * * a few years ago -- i was in the basement of the tenth street russian baths -- nyc's oldest turkish steam heat saunas. it was around closing time... after baking and frying in the "russian heat" room and then dousing myself with ice water...i fell into a momentary haze or trance...the heat there is truly mind-altering... you stand next to a furnace and bake your body - then you jump into an ice pool or throw a five gallon bucket of ice water over your head which are always collected from various spigots... the intense heat brings you to another state of reality...an altered state... many esetics attend the baths to discuss philosophy - practice "hot yoga" or simply meditate and contemplate... everyone had left the basement -- it was closing time - everyone was gone but then i looked up from my trance...and i heard: "row row - row your boat...gently down the stream -- yeah -- life is but a dream..." who could that be ? everyone had left - i was the only one left -- i looked around... mentally foggy and in a blinded kinda trance/haze momentarily from the russian heat and ice water pools... i was trying to find my balance again before climbing the intense scale of the 100 year old stairs...to change back into my street clothes...and then leave... just then the energy changed...something appeared before my eyes...a smallish man -- appeared to be around late 30s... i instantly knew he had not been there ten minutes ago... but there he was -- as if hed been steaming and soaking for hours and hours... i knew he was a ghost somehow trapped in the basement unable to leave... he manifested for me -- to me -- perhaps he knew i had the ability to see him...i knew he was an apparition... "hi -- yeah - you have to go now..right? the ghost says... he was excited to talk...and gazed toward me -- "hey --yeah don't worry -- it's all gonna be ok -- its just a dream... ya know like row row row your boat...just like in that song... life is but a dream..." i gazed deeply toward him through the lazy hazy - watery chlorine mist in my eyes from the ice pool...i looked at him through the steam dissipating off the tile and floor... then i turned around and he was gone.... life is but a dream... yeah -- a beautiful dream... spilling out of me -- into a new eternity... a heaven on earth -- an incredible life... be like water... the sun set. i took my meds and zoned out on cable the rest of the night... amen.

• seanblog: by seanbateman9 "Go Outside..." (4/27/09) [View | Hide]

  fight club 3/07 sometimes you cheat death... but sometimes death cheats you... I woke up today wanting to commit suicide - again... I'am Sean's tired body... I woke up to the stench of death... I'am Sean's tired soul... I woke up to the smell of burning rage... I'am Sean's weary spirit... I woke up today...to chaos and panic... I'am Sean's polluted aura... I woke up today - greeted by lust and greed... I'am Sean's wicked mind... I woke up today to wind and rain... I'am Sean's disposition... I woke up today with my mind -- wide open... I woke up today...creating a god that will destroy me... I woke up today..with a light -- unending... I woke up today...wanting to be alive... I woke up -- dying in a bed of plastic and pain... I woke up today with a face that is not mine... I woke up today with a life -- that never belonged to me... I woke up today inhaling the dust of my dreams.. I woke up with the memory of a man f**king me... I don't know why I always call you when I'am in this mood... this terrible, terrible, frame of mind... I don't know why I'am cursed to grace my thoughts here... or the need to record every fucking second of my existence here... or why I ache for you so badly -- that I spit melancholy in every direction...in silence -- alone with it... wanting it -- "it" to come to me... hearing the sound of your voice...on the other end... wondering about you... not sure if -- really, I ever want to see you face to face... I dunno... I dunno... music...soft, ecstatic...wanting to heal you... friends... lovers... music...from another time... your soul to mine... whispering -- all through the ages... sitting here -- thinking of you...wondering - aching... loss deep loss... sad loss never knowing...if I'am on a table... my body -- embalmed...and ready to burn... at the end...will I have a grin, a smile...or just more pain... ?? did i touch anyone? did I make them care? did i fulfill my destiny.... bring about the right wave...? transform everything as I promised? did I love perfectly? Did I make them care?? Did I breathe...in, the perfect light... seduce the darkness out of me? merge with the divine? was it the right color? did I exist ? did I love perfectly?? did we meet yet-- again...only to miss each other?? what i feel -- for you...transcends -- this body and space and time... are you the one...true..light...I can melt -- into... ??>>> >>>>>When I'am like this...I should be alone... everything -- hangs from a thread... and down - down down i go -- into the blue abyss of razor - waters... into the deep - blue, so thick -- with blue... and ponder and contemplate and worry...and fret...away...into the mercurial dust of light... into the swarm of green and black... here I'am... I woke up today -- to the sounds of voices... saying: "wake up..." "wake up..." "It's time to go home..." >>>>>> go outside... SB Date: Apr 19, 2007 1:26 PM Subject: E: Throwing out some thoughts... Body: ok my sage buddy -- please explain the diff between destiny and fate ? if its destiny then why worry ? the myth of sysiphiis ? sp? the greek god who was destined to roll the rock up the hill and then have it fall down -- tell me -- do u want me to help u and make some prayers for you or not ?? ima very powerful to make things for others although i can not seem to do it for myself -- if u want the energy moved then let me kno but remember when something is stuck like backed up water -- when it gets unstuck you get caught in the rush for a minute of it unblocking -- i have alot of friends ah upstairs as it were ... let me know -- man ive grown to love you in a way -- and i dont really know u but you are a symbol of hope or something to me -- that iam not alone -- and i cherish ur rareity--- dont ever want to do anything to make you go away or disaapear cuz ive only met like one other guy -- who was like us -- a few kinda small sprouts also but nothing fully matured in a sense -- anyway -- rambling now -- so let me know -- hug S So what are you waiting for?... ;) That's why I had dorkily put my occupation as 'mage' instead of 'sage.' I believe 'sage' as the one who knows... but a 'mage' as the one who does... First is the weight and responsibility of knowing... This makes you the sage. But because we begin to see and understand so much - if we wish to stay good - it is easy to see how precarious our immature choices become. This makes us limit our influence and actions. In a way - it creates a new fear. a new obstacle... since in life - each step becomes another one. That despite seeing the true significance and insignificance of things - we feel taken away from the accepted everyday goals of life. Whether we feel unworthy of it - or above it. If we're here - we're here to maximize our potential. Always. That means using anything and everything you have positively and successfully. For the better you become - the more you can help. The more your purpose becomes fulfilled. And how I believe that corresponds to Fate and Destiny?... yes - what will be will be - but right now as you envision and imagine - right now as you're hoping and learning - that destiny is forming and you are deciding how far you're taking it. Fate is the consequence of all our actions - good or bad. I'm having a bit of a tough time - but I'm not sure what it is specifically yet. I haven't been able to formulate it into something I can express. Fate... I have got to start taking care of myself better. Feeling a bit of the weight of what I've been ranting about lately. I'm not sure what it all means. xoxo - Christopher ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Sean Date: Apr 18, 2007 11:18 PM >>>at the center of your being you have the answer you know who you are and you know what you want -- lao tzu Oh... one other thought. I understand what you mean about feeling 'done' - no longer feeling a 'need' or maybe even a 'desire'. Mainly because we understand that we already 'know' everything - which sometimes saps our feelings of things 'new.' I've come to understand that all we need is not about 'overcoming' or 'gaining' something - but 'opening' up to the fact that we already have it or know how to get it. 'it' - being the life we want. that smell good place ;) So things become a validation for me - and so true it doesn't always feel like you've conquored new quests - or that me waiting for something is going to bring something greater than what I'm already proud of having... it becomes a validation that I'm on the right track - and I can see things clearly... I can do things positively... yes... I still can. That then takes you to that new place. You become one step ahead. Because you are successfully manifesting what you want when you want it. It brings you closer to the present. Because things aren't new... you saw it coming. The last great misconception - Time. You become one step ahead. Keep things validating and you're on the right track - should anything pop up - then you know immediately what to look at. But because you are aware of it. Because things don't feel new to you. Because you think you have the your fundementals in order. Enjoy the less weighty class schedule - And use your free time. You've earned it. If you are alive. If you know what you know. You've earned it. Respect it. More importantly honor it as the gift it is. Use it. much love, much honor, - Christopher ----------------- Original Message ----------------- Sean Date: Apr 17, 2007 7:39 PM thank you for taking the time to validate my thinking and thoughts and mirroring back to me yours as well... when i read your replies sometimes I'am stunned and need to process all your fine -- evolved thinking which I'am sorry to say -- is kinda sorely lacking in my ""actual" reality...my cyber reality is really awesome but the material world and i have now and always had a contentious relationship...ive always found pain and harm to myself there - and dont really know how to master it or stop it or forece it to do my bidding ?? ah confused....A fallen angel of sorts -- out of sorts -- in total and complete truth -- an angel of light or dark -- i suppose ive been both -- yes ? id like to know my place here amongst the mortals...and humans -- or where i belong in the heavens -- actually -- what i do is --has enourmous value in a sense but iam hard pressed to find the practical application of it in the real --world -- and ask that it return to me -- money -- lost again.... yeah really just lost -- and asking every question i can to feel the flow -- get the flow -- escape from the dreamscape of wanting -- its interesting 25 years ago if i were to speak lke this i would have been locked up -- i suppose then thats progress -- perhaps heres the thing -- maybe now i can stop hidding and come out -- that was really the purpose of having -doing the kirk tv show -- was to find the other mystics -- witches >? like myself and have communion...in a way iam still hiding behind the kirk tv-- closted frat boy -- that he is -- and god i love him -- and yeah anyone with 2 ounces of brain cells knows its a put on...but yes in there somewhere i come out and show my true self...powerful and knowing -- is it any wonder -- they have burned witches at the stake for centuries or anyone that dared to say that god doesnt live in a church ....the sin eater > ?? the truth teller? the wise person sage?? the authentic person... ah like i said -- ahhh dunno lost .... my new life -- yeah i kno i want it to smell good....hehee what ever that means -- id like what ever is the opposite of pain and fear and doubt and dis-ease.... and poverty -- so whats that ? much love to you for being there -- for me - for talking and not hiding -- warmth Sean >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I agree with you – there is no ‘one’ answer. And that’s because it’s a ‘place’ we need to get to – not a ‘thing’ And so there’s many ways to ‘get there’ – but it’s up to us all individually – to find it. But this also means there is no ‘one’ person or ‘event’ just waiting to enlighten you. It’s ourselves that are waiting to accept that doorway in order to believe. Believe that we have made it to that place – or have found the best place. As far as the Guru? I’ve actually been wrestling with those questions myself… Who do I want to be with? What does my ‘life’ look like? What do I ‘want’ it to look like? Would I really want someone who could provide the answers? Would I believe them? Or am I too, wanting to find someone free? Would that be compatible to my freedom? Or because of the nature of ‘free’ would we never meet? Or never stay? As far as the ‘waiting’ As far as the always before – wanting to be done. Seeing enough. But always returning… I personally believe life – and its’ manifested illusions Are here for us to grow and mature and learn how to manifest. This is the ‘place’ we should reach – The ability to manifest responsibly. If you imagine a single person. Then all of the cells that make up that person. Then imagine a single world. And all of the people that make up that world. We are all ‘cells’ to a single body – just as we have ‘cells’ that make up us. This is how we are all one. This is how we all share a unified consciousness. This is how we manifest in our world – because we are a part of the ‘whole body’. I believe in our lifetime here – we are given a metaphor – a representation on how to function within a ‘whole body.’ All ‘cells’ are equal until one matures and takes on a larger responsibility within the ‘body’. This could be endless – do we grow to become an important part of the body? Can we become the heart? The more we learn, mature and manifest – gives us more ‘influence’ over the body. Our functions (as a cell) become more important – and carry more weight – and have more power. But that takes responsibility to keep it working well. Thankfully the very nature of ‘gaining’ that responsibility are the lessons in keeping it. So as far as waiting for something? That’s where I’ve removed it for myself. I am the cell – and I decide how important I want to be. I decide – that if at the end, I’ve gained the experience to play an integral part in (the next life? Next incarnation?) For everyone else – who doesn’t mature… they move along – like simple cells… adding to the whole – but individually, not creating an impact or influence. You will see them also – easily influenced by more advanced cells. It’s not about the material – but it is here… It is a part of the manifestation… a part of the illusion. I don’t believe money equals happiness or maturity But it does equal physical freedom on this plane. Freedom to go and do what we like. Freedom from the stress of financial needs. Unfortunately – yes, awareness of the larger picture takes away from our inherent greed for material wealth – which is a powerful force of ambition and motivation – albeit a negative one. But since people rarely see that aspect at first – they see only that this drive is pushing them ‘ahead’ (they just can’t see where it’s taking them ultimately) My friend Russell hit on the head recently for me saying… “I have everything, yet nothing…” Which was so right – seeing as tho’ I have all my basics provided in abundance – but technically not through wealth… Of course – I’m happy with that. But, once again, my belief is that we are here to learn to ‘manifest’ And my guess is – because this will play a major part later on… For example – if we were to leave this physical world and enter a more ‘astral’ existence… Memories of flying? Unhindered by physical laws and restraints because spiritually we are not restrained at all? What would existing astrally be like? Look like? We cannot use our physical means of action – so what would it be? How would a child grow? Who could not walk on his own? A baby bird that has yet to fly? They stay in the safety of their nest… the physical world? They start off small – learning all of their processes… Learning responsibility – maturity and how to exist without harming themselves – others – or their environment… A creature who cannot do this – would not survive. Most people like to think this is it – but we are capable of gaining true wisdom and knowledge and we can use that to manifest our reality. Wouldn’t it make sense that THAT is what carries with us? Wouldn’t it make sense that learning that would prepare us for something? Knowing that all of our material gains – don’t? So regardless of what I manifest – as long as it’s responsible I’m doing something. I’m working on something. And that – I don’t need to wait for. Because Time is all my own. Yes – it all takes asking the right questions… and if you don’t know the ‘right’ question – then ask any question that pops into your mind. And you’ll trace your way through the labyrinth of your mind until there is nothing standing in the way of you – and what you were asking for. As with your evil doppelganger (hehehe I too have had unfortunately granted wishes) – but that’s what makes us more responsible in our requests and thoughts. Could you imagine if we lived in an existence where all thoughts manifested instantly? Perhaps this is where we’re heading… seeing as though every step I take takes me closer to real time manifestation. (or at least – clearer manifestation). But imagine all the immature people… they simply would combust. It would be chaos. So perhaps – that’s our training. That’s how we make it. I don’t know – what do you think? :P xoxo - Christopher >>>>>>>>>> particles posted on Seans sexy dreamland...2/08 particles -- (today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday -) particles yesterday.... the danger of fading -- so many demons have spoken through me - so many angels created me -- when you stand in the center of eternity where else can you go ? the spinning vortexes I run to create - the blue ethers rising from the body - giving the particles color and form yesterday - there was a yesterday for me - wasn't there ?? a random dream of chaos - the poetic gifts of love - the yearning that brings new tears -- the ever brightly muse - the pain that never arrives -- the tomorrows that promise grief and release -- or the continued tedium of wanting ecstasy --- sorrow - cascades into the clear pool my body - birthing another form - the light through which my passing mind fades the brilliance and running into memory - the "holographic universe" seems more a curse than a revelation.... in my addiction to all the yesterdays - or my need that something become solid and matter: I can promise nothing - I can not say whether I exist or not .... -- in a moment of panic I consider that Iam alone -- completely alone and the only one in this universe and thus: have created what I have simply to stop the lonliness -- the entire universe spills out of me perhaps even you -- right now -- another possibility of course is descent into madness - or flight into heaven -- or another exploding mass of matter as of yet undreamed of... >>> is it you that imagines me ? and won't let go ?? Is it you sincere devil - or jealous angel who dreams of me - and seduces the light into becoming my form ? that i were created by some sad lonely god? a creation of love but borne from pain - chemicals and particles --forming into -- falling from -- always becoming the "today" that my body walks through - all the todays that become the yesterdays --- days and weeks and years all blur-- forever-- into something like regret - streaked by - color and grey -- color and grey -- and then all grey - leaving the template of memory evaporating into light -- into lust, seething into dreaming into contemplation.... wondering why - god will not stop dreaming me -- the lightshow spinning yet ever - always - forcing: forcing us.... to continue -- cruel because it can not stop- can not stop -- we can not awake -- somehow, happening -- forever .... happening - the kind devils push us along with another promise.... I, in my deepest regret now know -- that i will never be: simply "nothing" --- my clash with "nothingness" will simply open into another universe a newer one that i will have to explore -- my sorrow is that I will always be "something" -- and this something will have a coniousness -- always contain movement - always evolve - how deeply i regret that i have birthed this light and cannot seem to escape it -- can not seem to end this dream -- can not seem to dissolve into particles -- can not seem to become nothing. a question: who created the first vampire ?? and why did it have to be me ?? >>>the other night i began meditating - trying desperately to dissolve and become, once again - nothing - and yet you appeared - you fed me light once more as I was about to step into darkness - if you could come back Id like to be in your presence --- written for tim september 17 05 chants of light 6-14-06 today i feel oddly "high." however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass... i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock -- up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement... and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye... of his heart and soul - in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up... thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls... and then he is gone.... today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence. like smoking when you know your healthy... sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place.... the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes... sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams... no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again... i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light -- the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone... the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end -- as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require... the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend... i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful... stoned on something i cant even give a name to... the best high is when you dont need anymore... a divine liquor swishing through my blood... i cook lunch in my boxers. it's delicious... posted by kirk @ Wednesday, August 30, 2006   0 COMMENTS: Post a Comment << Home About Me Location:manhattan View my complete profile Previous Posts • halloween • the poet cries • the bodies exhibition • whats it all about ? • lets go -- • dreaming... • lakewood - california

• Seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Christian my lover thru Time..." (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  Christian my love from another lifetime.... updated 2-24-07 >>> enclosed below -- a rolling e mail dialougue from My space website with a guy named: Christian.... me to him -- 2-24-07 >>>dear Christian - @ myspace... its six AM over a crisp clear -- biting cold manhattan sky... i awake -- my body nearly paralyzed from the two Ambiens the valiums and muslce relaxers and what? the mind numbing ideas that float in and out of me... and still I awake...NO -- still in the winter slumber of this month -- still I can not sleep.... I lay here...my eyes water... I can not cry -- I can not makes sense of the tne lifetimes that has passed beofre my eyes in this body... I'am a vampire... a child, a poet, words and images -- water rushing, all inside -- outside, around my bed... a calling... ten lifetimes.. other loves...many of whom -- still emmante from the body...as if our loving making transcends all time... as if it were alive...the eyes, the sensation of love -- pouring forth and about and around, like the hours...and the waters... filling up the room here... the hours... the flowers on the table - white, and the flames of my love, all my loves but one particulair, --- whom i know resides forever in my heart...who is from me -- and he and I will return to God together sme day... but he -- was then -- in another body...a woman -- stunning and angry... I was dashinng -- and handsome beyond...she is in a room of wealth and finery... is having a fit of sorts - the kind that made me forever fall in love with her... and melt me into her... the hours that pass... are nothing, the minutes that fade are nothing ... compared to what happened inside of me when we made love... it was like touching fire, like holding the delicate blue of the flame to my breast... the eyes, entranced and hot and cool and yet warm all at once... the sensations fo the body...yes..she -- yes forever, yes that lifetime, that house... and thus she forbades me to enter that room where i stood and entered her... her raven night -- eyes and china white skin...so fine and bold and strong and poetic and pure... raging -- again raging... as i'am time to her...I'am love to her...i'am anger to her...I'am everything to her... and thus that also means -- that I'am hatred and pain to her... together we turned every nobleman's and and squires and pontiffs eyes-- all to us... as if god himself -- had his hnad in creating us two -- now made to be in love for eterntiy... A torment -- of sorts knowing...that indeed -- you can never be seperated...not torn asunder... no -- never be as two...from the first hour, the first day -- the first night..and meling... no the two were then forever joined... I knocking...outside and calling to my beloved...and yet -- she does not come... no she will not... it was about a boy, who meant nothing to me, and yet it happened all the still...in the stable -- one afternoon, somethat that happens between men, on a hot - warm, all too quiet day... I promised my beloved an eterntiy the night beofre, and spoke my true words... I'am -- I was a man of my word and thus having spoke -- she spakred a flame to the candle... and bit my lip to reveal blood -- but i dint not whince... \((this is all becoming clear -- but slowly--- THE "Remembering..." in this lifetime i call his name by "Chrsitian..." and of whom i have never met fact to face... "christian--Christian.." I suppose it would be inevitable that he would choose tha name -- in this lifetime...since of course it is and always has been the honey to my ears...my favorite -- most coveted of sounds... "Christian..." through the strange years of my life... I -- myself have thought of -- wanted to be called that, but i knew it wasnt my name...yes it belonged to someone i would love forever -- have loved forever, yes i knew -- but as of yet - had not met... In answer to your query now-- I'am real, and yes he is real... and yes I can not shake that other lifetime and many lifetimes with him -- and us as two other people...two other bodies... another time period... othher than this... just now -- in this lifetime... ican feel him thinking about me..under his own sky -- a seperate coast apart... music in the background...he on a chaise overlooking, the city that makes dreams... "Christian..." my beloved from so many lifetimes again... to endure the absence of his kiss...the running away from me through time... "Christian.." putting on a spell on men... that never whiters... "Christian..." yes -- even at this very hour-- watching through the looking glass of eterntiy-- i see him -- as her... in the room... and we are locked away in the madness of that other time... where upon she enters the stable door -- to find us... the stable boy and i -- in an amourous pose... I to him, partaking - of his youth, so fine and subtle..and pure it was... ans she -- her eyes -- now a-raged-- enraged with anger, that i dared to give my seed to another... i turn-- we turn -- the boy and I and she runs... runs away to the house -- through the woods...i look down upon him and kiss his forhead, almost sensing that i will never see him again.. and as i run toward her...knowing this indeed will be my last and final night in this body....in this form... not for having dared to share my lust with another man -- but simply because I belonged to her and only her.... and she, having thus - arrived -- and glimpsing the passion in my face at that moment - at the stable door, was driven to pure and absolute madenss... A madness she would not recover from - nor ever - be able to cool- or quell... and thus -- yes through the wooded-- trees that encircled the house, a house where our pact was solidified... a home off wealth and priveledge...and I ran toward it -- it towering white granduer...knowing that fate had beeen sealed...and soon...it would be in ruins...somehow... it would all be turned...or lost or broken... her rage... the house -- the boy-- my heart... a fire -- my phallus still heated -- my throat ahcing for what was to come...the punishment i must endure for falling so hopelessly -- truly and deeply and abidingly in love... spanning across eveything... my love for her... i would have been glad to live as a pauper...if only to have that time gain...that day again, in the late afternoon and that stillness in my soul again... she runs -- I run - i call her name...Alexandria! but she can not hear - nor see - or know anything excpet that she has been betrayed... "he is nothing..." i call to her..."nothing..." but she can not hear...she is gone -- far -- far into her madness... and now sparks the flame to a candleabra... and without a monets notice i see the windows of our most treasued home.. thehome where we entertained, the elite of the world at one time... the windows... a flame... "Alexandria!!" I call out in the foyer...and then beat down -- and hit through - the main -- boudior door where she is... and i see the flames...now dancing lazily up one side of the wall next to our bed... and she turns...an ending is near...and our eyes meet---- I gaze upon her and try - as time stops..now forever and ever and always frozen... frozen even more that the mahattan sidewalks of a few hundred years later...where upon through an elctronic device would recant my tale here for you... yes...she turns and gazes and time freezes and i utter: "I will always -- love you..." and she begins to cry and enters my arms.....her fine pale ---lace gown...now-- a glow -- with those flames and then she enters my arms for the last and final time and we embrace...and go together... into the heavens and back to the god that created us... yet burned now togehter... as muses and angels and water melting and snow falling...as trees swaying and sun coming down...she and I...together...now burned into one...as out bodies from tha time...release us... and then in the distance..i gaze down to the late afternoon to see the boy watching the house burn to the ground and weep... and her soul departs mine-- rips from mine..as violnet as every storm combined and diappears inot the heavens...into another body...perhaps into this lifetime-- only still the spell remains..until i feel her again -- now as another name...now as something found that was always missing... now the final piece of my wanting...forever and ever wanting --something in this lifetime and never being able to grasp what it was... it was her...it is -- him... and then when i saw his picture...i saw those eyes...again...encased in a new body -- i knew it was her.. yes i knew it was my other soul-- my other half and my final piece...my own self...melted into her - him so long ago... and indeed in this lifetime his name: is chrsitian... >>>>>>>>>>>>> woe to me... and pity to me...and i have endured and suffered for loving him...all these lifetimes... many of which she-- he never surfaced... a pain that could never be quelled nor medicated nor - simplified nor purified because as i have told you was born in purity... and i think that perhaps you might recognize my tale...and although be perplexed as to the why - i recant it spefically to you..i think you will understand somehow..in the latter remmnants of your spirit-- in the wind -- watching as you were...while the two of us burned on that summers day-- your heart forever broken... alexandria and I -- leaving you as we were - as we did -- so suddenly...and I'am sorry... andnow make me regrets free and known here to you... and if the utterances of words having meaning or weight-- or purpose -- here now in this future time... time time-- a time that truly is forzen within...and for all intents and pruposes does not exist... then I'am to say here that i'am sorry... and that I loved you and do love you -- in a much more poetic and charmed and perhaps...less impassioned way than her... but love none the less.. and perhaps...glancing over your notes here in this electronic space i believe that you are to understand my apology... and would upon consideration- accept it - for the both of us...and that yes i loved you... and that your kiss that lone lazy beautiful afternoon was one of the finest that i have had to endure... yes -- I'am sorry and truly -- as i know anything know that it was you -- on that afternoon in the french countryside... and Alexandria>>? now named in this lifetime-- Chrisitian..and i kirk... yes - the two os us..having never met...but me always knowing i would see her again and perhaps you...yes..here we are..again... so the mending of my heart and yours could be released and spoken and known... He thinks me mad...for saying or knowing all of this -- today..but it is as real in my soul...and the breath upon my lips and the cold sky aboove... Today...through the haze of medicines and pain and doubts of this life...it is Chrisitan - was who then Alexandria, a beuaty to her and now to him that transcends time... and yet each night -- i whisper into the phone -- and yes he thinks me mad and perhaps is frightned by the ghosts i summon to him... and i call to him and he at times seems to be residinghere with me in my bed and bosom and in the sheets and walls and the oxegen of the space... Christian..holding power over me still... and thinking me mad for whispering how deeply I'am in love -- still...from al the other times and bodies...and sunsets weve shared...christian -- will you ever rmemebr that we were born together - must die and be re-born togther foever...never released until we are once again burned back into god's arms... christian my beloved and everything -- of course -- to say i love you-- has no consequnce...nevermore.. in this life but in know that somehwere you know... somehwere in time...with the tears that stream down my cheeks... the hands to my forhead everynight -- the torment of your absence... in this lifetime -- his name -- her name -- is yes Christian... and i awash in the pain -- and knowledge...of all the other lifetimes... i call forth for ye - to remember me now...as an incantation and prayer..and whisper yet another night into the phone and medicate the body so that the spirit may be set free -- to come to you...on the wind... yes as i have allready -- many times -- now -- in this time since we met again... and I whisper -- vaugue -- yet pure... "I love you...." and then lose conciousness...to arrive at your side... forever.... SB me to him 1-21-07 Jan 20 2007 12:49A >>>the greatest gift you can give a person in this life -- is the desire to know them.... no matter how it ends up...of all the people in the world -- that person chose you above everyone else...and you chose them...to know and get to know... everyone has sane moments, and insane and crazy moments...they come with a bundle of hopes and fears and desires and wishes and wants...and feelings and regrets...and you bring these along to the person you want to know....and slowly you unravel or take out some things and show them...what your about and who you are and the way you are... and I chose you Chrsitian, my brother and sometimes also incarnated diety -- and fellow "vampire" lover...friend - confidant -- you somehow inspire me to write these sonatas of power and love and eternity and light...I'am not sure how or why but you do---you make me feel safe and somehow that iam worth something...like deeply worth something...and worthy of knowing you -- so yes --Iam not holding back...and your not holding back...and your giving me all your best also -- and i dont know how its all gonna work out or end up but your choosen..by me -- and you chose me also -- and i think and feel that i like this friendship in ways i can not describe here -- not because iam afraid people will read this -- No! were having a love affair here in print everyday -- no because it seems like i cant describe what you bring to me -- you put a spell on me -- i dont know if i belong to you just yet or you to me -- but just remember we chose each other -- this is not the first time...iam ready... i wanna try to get it right this time... and yes i feel deep deep, love for you -- and ill never regret saying that ... ok then -- until you tuck me in and i can hear the honey and light of your voice -- safe and sound bro -- SB sean rick kirk christian to me -- 1-08-07 Through passion Through pain I have thought of you Through the passing of generations I have longed for the sight of your face The touch of you The scent of you As lifetimes have come and gone, two have remained the same You and I The rising of the seas and the decimation of the lands has not taken it's toll on us....we remain untouched Feelings of lost loves, no longer in our thoughts....because they are no longer lost They have been found They have been lingering about for eons But they have met again You and I You and I christian to me : Jan 7 2007 5:32A Through passion Through pain I have thought of you Through the passing of generations I have longed for the sight of your face The touch of you The scent of you As lifetimes have come and gone, two have remained the same You and I The rising of the seas and the decimation of the lands has not taken it's toll on us....we remain untouched Feelings of lost loves, no longer in our thoughts....because they are no longer lost They have been found They have been lingering about for eons But they have met again You and I You and I >>>my influence is that i will make u realize your power -- and that is -- of course -- the power of love.... SB 1-07-07 >>>I know - I know your such an incredible person I know how badly you want or how deeply you feel... I know that destiny has lead us to one another again... and that in the course of knowing you I've written some of the most inspiring words I'll ever write and felt some of the most awesome of feelings for you about you - around you - or an ache that could only be from many, many lifetimes.... i think... I think you understand how we both could survive what we have or know what we know or that our bodies were created from the same soul... I dont know - i dont know - how i can surrender to my pain... or my fears or my lust or my anger or some vague ideas of when i saw you last... even though weve never met... I have such tears of joy to meet you again and then yet such a pain -- such a deep - deep wanting of you -- I dont know i dont know i dont know i feel... i dont know... when you told me that youd always be with me no matter what it was the first time I ever felt safe... or solid or new or simply just not weary and old... how can a man win your heart without breaking it christian? how can a person love you with out also wanting to punish you destroy you in so many ways -- because they want to live with you forever... forever, eternity... always and again and again here we are... on the threshold of light...standing and burning... terrified and healed in the darkness and rommance of everything...and yes inspired...again... I'am not ashamed and I don't care who knows... and we both know...and when a day untold when our bodies collide and caress... and hold...I want to melt, forever again... and be burned again and loved again... and healed again... by only you... I dont know what unconditional love is.... I'am not sure i can have it - or hold or or withstand it.. but if i could then i want to do it with you.. I want to try with you... I want to try.... I dont know what unconditional love is...or how to hold it or have it... I dont even think I can withstand it... but if I can...then i want to do it with you... I want to try... Jan 6 2007 10:39P >>>I dont want to be destroyed I dont need to be destroyed... I need to be healed... I need the strength of your light... not the power of your rage... the gentleness of your love... the understanding of your soul... if your not afriad of this also -- then you must either be a beast... or a god... SB Jan 6 2007 11:17P i cant pretend to know what love is -- and iam not sure you do either --is that why we have to be here ? amongst so much pain...here here in the material world -- in a world filled with mortals, did we run here to escape or play -- or were we bored with heaven... unlocking each others prisons in hell - and manifesting bodies because we wanted to remember what it was like to cry... i know you know everything i say and think...and i to you...and now here it is again the hour that we can speak again and touch...touch and be held... and try to bringr light to something called our hearts... yeah once again i wanna try with you...and the long trail that has lead here simply comes with my hands full of wants..and needs and a heart torn...but spirit rich... tell me what or how to feel it Christian. I know you have my medicine.... SB >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> http://www.myspace.com/rocketboy1632 Date: Jan 4 2007 11:56 PM sometimes i so desperately need to hear ur voice feel that your around me -- protecting me watching me thinking of me -- i feel kinda sad tonight and dont know why i wish u were here to hold me - dated around -- 12-06 hey bud == maybe you can help me ddecipher a dream I had...there were two handsome strangers in a hotel room around midnight...they were in their underwear -- lounging on the bed together...there was a view of the entire city below them through the floor through windows of the hotel penthouse...the whole thing kinda looked liked a gay...ah Channel sp? commercial....and then one of the strangers...maybe the older one said into the ear of the younger... "Come -- my immortal beloved...come join me -- and together we will rule the world....." and then blood was everywhere- the blood of lust and love and demon/angel sex and .....a timeless love that all the angels in heaven were in awe of -----and all the demons jealous.... >>ah yeah -- thats mine.... but you knew that -- SB >>>>>>>>> although my body is represented here as mere flesh... the utterance of words...nor even poetry, here, would give evidence to the depths of my love for you.... to give my kind, wanton and broken heart - unto a one, such as yourself... and yet again - you grace me with your presence.... and when i look into your eyes -- at once innocent and young and fresh and then older and wise and yes -- now immortal... the eyes -- yes, of a beautiful...powerful vampire... a child, a sage, a god..... my lover... inspiring men through the ages to destroy themselves alas...because they were not worthy or your gaze nay, to say nothing of your affections, embrace - nor yet -- love.... the undying heart you pocess... inspiring great cities -- built upon the eternities of heaven... the light of angels the passions of raging storms.... christian.... by another name -- in this life... we meet again, my beloved - wandering the heavens as a souless wraith, lost...confused, broken and then mended and then broken again, from our last meeting... the torture and tedium of your absence... the hellish - long night -- of you leaving...the way you did... my punishment...to always remember you and us -- and everything.... please... please never banish me again... please... nevermore... I climbed the stairs of every heaven... knocked on every door and sat alone -- sobbing in the corners of alleys and barrooms and asylums... waiting -- searching -- and whispering-- "where-ever can he be...?" and now finding you -- my beloved, my kindred and same soul, light... i know... I could not withstand another parting...nor seperation... from you - those eyes or your sweet -- pained and tender soul -- knowing - remembering...(and) the curse of your absence--- christian... how many universe did I wander...searching for another love to rival ours -- together, as we were - but I could not... No. it was always -- you in this life, now, called so, by the name: Christian... but without name...the one... whom I was made for..... always.... always... always... come...and join me - my beloved... and together, we shall rule the world.... SB I'am there - and you are here.... forever.... SB Heaven and Hell will crash into one another when we meet. And yes, there will be blood. Out of extacy and not pain...from virtue and not anger. Out of lust and not vanity. Young and older will meet but only in the physical sense....the two souls have know each other for many seasons. They are the same age....but from another time then this. Christian Dec 24 2006 8:23A I would be your Louis in a moment. Two souls locked in immortality. You captivate me like no other. Perhaps it's because you are as lost and yet found as I. Perhaps it's the culture of our upbringing. Perhaps it's the vile and putrid bile of our regreats. You are dashing sir. And very much the romantic......the Empire State building.......the top....you and I.....Ahhhhhh. and the whole damn world watching while fire drops above their heads. The flames decimating their sad lives...... (your reply...) Why is it that you strike me as being so unhappy? so sad... (my reply) the depth of my wound could not be contained to simple phrases or words scrambled upon a page here but.... perhaps in another lifetime you were miserable and and although i would have done or given anything to give you peace and the love you wanted -- you could not accept it -- you cried -- all your days -- and nothing could console you--- not the arms of my embrace...nor the darkenss and light from my eyes.... gifts of my touch.... and then finally -- you refused to see me at all.... staying alone...allowing yourself to whither...and grow infirm...and now over what - i wish i could recall... and then - one evening...and so the infirmity had reached your thinking...you raged and threw the lamp upon the wall....toward me... and a fire arose - perhaps from your anger, or pain... burning down the house that we knew -- and loved in and grew together in....forever burned into one another... you and me.... wanting to destroy...all memory of our time there... wanting to seperate us but during your rage - the heat and fire locked us and our souls together forever - now two halves of the same whole...forever destined to want...or seek or wait... burned together by fate or god's plan...always waiting...until -- never whole destined -- and made-- for only -- one another....cursed - and blessed as we are and (now) destined to spend eternity together... and it was you who spoke that I - indeed did not have the depth to love you... but this was not so, yes, my heart was broken everytime I could not see you smile.... and so expanded many heavens and lands and centuries.... do you remember?? (your replies....) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>yes you speak now from the soul -- of eternal scalding passion...that i know and love and remember - from all other lifetimes....yes -- i see you know also - that love never forgets... not the rage - of lightning through our bodies...not the rommance that built temples and fortunes... nor the universes created from our lovemaking>>>> spinning wildly forever and ever into our dreams.... making the demons blush and the angels cry... poets have cried - upon hearing of us -- sages have pondered us...and all the small and tiny gods that have come and gone are insignificant compared to our joining... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> yes...blessed from this burning and melting perhaps from fate or even god's plan -- or even cursed to be as one -- whole -- or two halves always seeking the other...yes - Christian -- you and I destined to be together -- forever....in other bodies or not -- in other lifetimes or not -- as spirits or not - immortal or not -- there is only -- you and I....and all of this spills out of us...in our boredom and pain...and light...and yes...love... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> ever trying to tell you - not to be so quick to judge the things weve created here but that you should love them simply because we created them together..... and how many times can we destroy and create? one another or the worlds around us?? but you know now -- my beloved... that nothing else matters now -- does it ? not the splitting -- whipping sands of eternity in all directions... not the earth below, nor all its inhabitants... nor every creature that we imagined....in heaven...above... no. nothing else matters but only that we join the broken heart of our seperation... no -- that we marry -- and mend that which seemed broken and forever lost.... that we gaze toward one another again and meet and melt into one holding hands again -- gazes - locked... and run into the flames together.... becoming the sun.... >>>>>>>>>>>>> there was never a diversion created that could make me forget you.... not the throwing of lightning bolts from my body... destorying all the cities with one breath... not burning and creating all the golden and dark and noble cities... no - nothing created ever rivaled you and I... together - the ocean was born from us - would return to us... as parched arid land...only quenched by us together... forever -- in love - and yes locked into one another... our souls iwhsing to join...forever and always and always....so that no speration -- ever again could be told...or known... dear Christian... please take me back... and forgive me.... for my only crime -- as always - was only -- to have dared to love you... SB every minute away from you is like dying.... i hope the gifts of my poetry can suffice until our bodies can meet in person... merry christmas... SB 12-24-06 1-1-07 i know now i wanted you to destroy me so wed be forever together wielded in pain and death -- but together -- louis -- always all ways -- our souls one one mind one thought one heart - one spirit flying through the heavens -- but always together you inspire to write -- to want but dear sweet christian (iin this life) i dont want you no you allready belong to me -- and I to you... there is nothing to say and there are no words except until i have you in my arms..again and whisper... welcome home -- my beloved.... always sean POSTED BY SB9 AT 10:22 PM 0 COMMENTS Particles... particles particles -- (today is the tomorrow that you worried about yesterday -) particles yesterday.... the danger of fading -- so many demons have spoken through me - so many angels created me -- when you stand in the center of eternity where else can you go ? the spinning vortexes I run to create - the blue ethers rising from the body - giving the particles color and form yesterday - there was a yesterday for me - wasn't there ?? a random dream of chaos - the poetic gifts of love - the yearning that brings new tears -- the ever brightly muse - the pain that never arrives -- the tomorrows that promise grief and release -- or the continued tedium of wanting ecstasy --- sorrow - cascades into the clear pool my body - birthing another form - the light through which my passing mind fades the brilliance and running into memory - the "holographic universe" seems more a curse than a revelation.... in my addiction to all the yesterdays - or my need that something become solid and matter: I can promise nothing - I can not say whether I exist or not .... -- in a moment of panic I consider that Iam alone -- completely alone and the only one in this universe and thus: have created what I have simply to stop the lonliness -- the entire universe spills out of me perhaps even you -- right now -- another possibility of course is descent into madness - or flight into heaven -- or another exploding mass of matter as of yet undreamed of... >>> is it you that imagines me ? and won't let go ?? Is it you sincere devil - or jealous angel who dreams of me - and seduces the light into becoming my form ? that i were created by some sad lonely god? a creation of love but borne from pain - chemicals and particles --forming into -- falling from -- always becoming the "today" that my body walks through - all the todays that become the yesterdays --- days and weeks and years all blur-- forever-- into something like regret - streaked by - color and grey -- color and grey -- and then all grey - leaving the template of memory evaporating into light -- into lust, seething into dreaming into contemplation.... wondering why - god will not stop dreaming me -- the lightshow spinning yet ever - always - forcing: forcing us.... to continue -- cruel because it can not stop- can not stop -- we can not awake -- somehow, happening -- forever .... happening - the kind devils push us along with another promise.... I, in my deepest regret now know -- that i will never be: simply "nothing" --- my clash with "nothingness" will simply open into another universe a newer one that i will have to explore -- my sorrow is that I will always be "something" -- and this something will have a coniousness -- always contain movement - always evolve - how deeply i regret that i have birthed this light and cannot seem to escape it -- can not seem to end this dream -- can not seem to dissolve into particles -- can not seem to become nothing. a question: who created the first vampire ?? and why did it have to be me ?? >>>the other night i began meditating - trying desperately to dissolve and become, once again - nothing - and yet you appeared - you fed me light once more as I was about to step into darkness - if you could come back Id like to be in your presence --- written for tim september 17 05 chants of light 6-14-06 today i feel oddly "high." however...there is nothing in my system stronger than some potent amazon berries and wheatgrass... i watch the motion of my wrist - jacking my ever greased - hard and huge cock -- up and down - wave upon wave - still and always amazed at the pleasure derived from such a simple mechanical act and movement... and yet - the spiritual benfits are yet to be accrued...spinning me into a daydream of a stronger man who enters my room - mounts me and makes me sniff his armpits -- all the while he rides my fat - pulsating, throbbing and then spurting dick -- into the bullseye... of his heart and soul - in another time my cum would not allow him to take in my power, strentgh and light but today - i give him my all...his aura lights up... thankful: he kisses me gently riding every last drop of juice from my balls... and then he is gone.... today the weather is perfect. to stay inside seems the hieght of arrogance and indulgence. like smoking when you know your healthy... sometimes i think i burn a little too brightly for this place.... the angels are touching me now as i close my eyes... sweet sweet siren song that seduces me into the land of forgotten dreams... no longer lost in a world that doesnt value me...the colors are bright again... i lose contact with my body and then the world explodes into a million chants of light -- the consummers and the slaves to the weather are all gone... the haiku of humanity - eat - consume and blow up is about to end -- as the final explosion occurs i realize: my existence is the only validation i require... the sno-globe of my limited reality is cracking...but out of it hundreds of white doves ascend... i truly am crying because everything is so beautiful... stoned on something i cant even give a name to... the best high is when you dont need anymore... a divine liquor swishing through my blood... i cook lunch in my boxers. it's delicious...

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Randy part one" (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  date ?? 2 -08?? posted at myspace blog... A strange pain....and a better messiah... >>>>>>>> >>> Stare. Staring into the mirror... who is looking back ? ??? I dont know what i look like anymore... an etherial spirit of light gracing the heavens...? A lump of dust...walking toward my next death? evolved - the enlightend...falling... in a spiraled journey homeward bound... Am I A sad - desperate, tired consumer, lost in the media mire of self pity and greed and forever wanting??? i look into the mirror and see lost traces... of other lifetimes...pain, incredible joy - sadness... traces...of traveling... wandering... I see the residue of of things I threw away... things that always come back...Ghosts... Nghtly - nightly hauntings... I see a dream, another life, a vision - so faded that I hardly recognize what i wanted to be... like a past life.... past lives...people who are gone... reflections - passersby... nieghboors, my nieghboors - their grey-whiteless dark painted - lost faces... painted like steel - pain and closed--off I watch them - I stare - they come and go... their doors open and close... their lives go on... on hold... they stare... on the street they look away... run away... into the rain - they are gone.. the rain taps upon the pavement... upon the window... I stare...out. gently, day becomes night... I stare into a window - all the windows and wonder where I've been-- who is the ghost that entered my life on some unknown street or corridor... the ghost within - in my body that seems to stare back at me thru all these windows - stares back to me from my nieghboors eyes... I freeze. Somewhere I became frozen. Hanged, upside down...the brown-red blood dried eyes... of the paralyzed...of the desert, of a moving tired black sky...reflecting... frozen - clouds... not bright nor simple nor innocent... but my eyes...move...slowly (frozen) - they move...but there is no movement... inside... outside - storms...fog, melancholy: night... where I could be going...? I wonder... I go away - when i stare.... frozen and melting...the window shows....me melting...and smoking and lighting and lightning... lying... filled with truth... mirrors - windows, reflections... everywhere... windows - hallways - portals...:closed... the phone rings.. another lost confession... calling on the ears of sorrow... I hang up - and feel nothing... I fall into staring and dreaming... back to when I was a boy... to become the boy... the boy- who wanted to be a Dad... the Father that never arrived... Always around the corner... rage - or vengefull...quiet and absent... my father...now long gone...but haunting and hovering still... always. Staring... I'am in my dreams -- I'am now the "Dad" in my dreams... I'am walking through the door - strong and pure - the band of gold gleaming...the perfect masculinity... I lean down to embrace everyone withn the walls of my castle... the family pet - wagging its tail... carrying the newspaper..- reading it stoically.... the pilliair of truth and wisdom and sanity... like a dream... when I was... 12 years old... I wanted to be just like my Dad... it was all going to be so wonderful... an imaginary picket fence surrounding our lives... our lives... the picket fence of our lives... The television version... nothing could stop us from "Being Happy..." Being Happy: fear and doubts and obvious strange dis-eases could never permeate nor penetrate the boundary...of the picket fence... no - the perfect dream of beauty and light and being good... of being happy---could never be tainted... No. will never be tainted... my dream - from another life so long long ago - it was all so coated and flooded with light.... Like a magician, a prince, a king -- a ruler - I (would) protect the kingdom... become the saviour... the Messiah...of your own life ...? Who is the savior of our time ? this... messiah - this person or thing or idea that will awaken us out of this cave of shadows - and lost dreams...? the dull ache of what we could be-- could have been or wanted to be - and awaken us to what we are.... each day. The World begins to spin furiously.... It stops making sense for you... crushing you in the crucible of intellectualizing... of wanting too much, or of having feelings... of seeing all the opposites.. thinking one thing and then feeling another... of morality, and perpetuity, of value and consequnece... of choices - and meaning...and of lost meaning... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>strange pain... today was not unlike any other day actually... I awoke amongst the mutterings of my lost youth and confidance - amongst the scatter of my pity - stupidity - humanity - lust and history... Coffee brewing - while I light candles for my morning meditation... first thought upon awakening... "Half dead or almost alive...?" I cant decide which one... It seems I'am always wondering when life will begin here or then again - when it will end... Life begins at fourty...fifty is the new 30... life begins... Life is the solution ? or Life is the problem ? when... your younger -- you wish to be older... alas your older you yearn to be younger... Awake.. stop staring...just awake... >>>>>>>> I awake... to my history.... as far back as I could remember - life was always a dare... A want a gamble... strange - laughable.... boring... the life of fears - the life of inherited pains and aches... a genius haze of self hatred coating everything causing a constant need - an inflammation... this is how I awake... from the long night of dreams... of yester-years.... Age 12 - The Frozen memory. (If you could go back...) to the age where - everything stopped and you were frozen... forever The age where you closed off or stopped processing new information about the world or even yourself... lost traces of the day you knew youd always be alone... The remembrance of the time you realized that you were sitting in a rotting lump of flesh that began dying from the moment you opened your eyes - yes your body... dying...this is your life ending - one moment at a time... Here... Now morning - coffee brewing - meditation....but nothing ever seems to move.. First memory- my father was not happy to see me... pause... >>>>>>>>>> coffee still works to a degree...and yes I still smoke... coffee - no sugar and a fine organic cigarette...and then a long meditation - sometimes up to two hours if I have the day off... Lots of coffee and meditation... An infinite buzz - all the way around... Feeling good.... Candles. OMMM chanting - buzzed...and high... but at the end of the day i need to double-dose my sleeping pills... Captain Ambien.... ah yes...just take two and its like instant suicidal thinking... lulled and seduced - if not hypnotized....into the dreamless state: frozen for a few hours...Ambien doesnt put you to sleep : its freezes you... sleeping pills: Ambien Heath Ledger - so they said - took Ambien and died ? I loved Heath... Frozen: is that the same as numb? froze - i froze - so long ago...perhaps - it became ice inside...? sleeping - hypnotic rest -? spaceless - dreamless -- movementless - dark time...where nothing comes in and nothing comes out - like being paralyzed only your eyes are closed... or worse - of course - during most of my days..paralyzed in another way.. paprlyzed with your eyes opened... the Hanged man.... pause... >>>>>>>>>was anything ever supposed to make sense here? was anything ever supposed to be healed here.... was anything ever supposed to be filled here...with Life.. was anyone at anytime ever allowed to move...from the lost state of hopeful - pitiful - implanted wants and fears and dreams that were handed to you....before you could utter your first sentence or understand the word "NO..." ? was anything really - ever supposed to touch you? what was the point? what is the point ? life washing over you - - happens around you but it seems as if nothing changes... They don't teach you about grief in grade school... or the shame it seems to bring... they dont tell you that residue such as things that happen before you take your first legal drink... can paralyze you... can throw you deep into the spiral of doubt and honor, or onto the fringe of insanity...forever creating from a space of pain... No. They don't tell you that... that your face will become leathered, carved with time and memories... that your body is only here for a few moments... that you are in the mind of creation set to play a part---miscast or not...thye don't explain things like - "Life circumstances..." Youth: alive- beautiful...tradgic-powerful.. filled with light that can not be stopped... No. >>>>>>>>>Randy was the first born son on my Uncles side of the family... I remember him being so beautiful... I dont think I've ever seen light such as his come out of anyones eyes since him... since that day... Randy: >>>> light brown hair that streaked to blonde in the summer skies over California where i grew up...with bright luminous wise soothing eyes that were the perfect light Blue...almost the color of water... Under the sun drench and glare of swimming pools... Randy -- in his swim trunks...smiling and yelling at me to come into the pool... Tall, strong, silent - confidant...life could never harm him... Summer.. beach Sundays and yeah working on cars in my Uncles garage... going to football games...getting drunk...smoking pot...watching TV.. my 2 cousins all hung around in the summers...me, Jake, (Randy's younger brother)...and I laid by the pool most days... my uncle had the standard white plaster pool that turned the water the perfect swimmingpool-blue -- which I liked: but the pool at my parents house was plastered: Black...we were the first ones in our neighboorhood to have a colored swimming pool... I loved it... Black warm water to swim in... Murky, Dark. A mysterious body of bottomless mercury like -- liqiud to swimm in... My parents where never around: Dad was golfing or something... Mom was somewhere...at the Club...dripping with fear and diamonds...having lunch... sometimes detoxing from diet pills: in bed watching soap operas... we pretty much did what we wanted... At night sometimes I'd smoke a few bong hits... sometimes alone or sometimes with Jake and Randy - sometimes with only Randy... My Uncles house was in the next tract of houses over....just a quick bike ride away: maybe ten minutes at most...so were always one place or the other...my parents never really checked that much where we were: they knew we were around...somewhere... Smoking a bowl...Taking Bong hits... >>>>>yeah. Randy and I would smoke a bowl of some ritcheous "HawwiianGolden" buds and mellow the hell out...and laugh and watch Tv or maybe sit by our pool...or his and talk... If it was late at night sometimes Randy would tell spooky-like ghost stories... >>>>>>>>>>>which I totally lived for... Randy, he was around 14 maybe 15 when he and my uncle bought a car - for Randy. an oldie - junker for him to begin fixing up so that when Randy was 16 he would have the "Coolest wheels..."in the hood... "Lifes a long dare...or it's nothing" one night Randy said from out of nowhere...handing me the bong that I hid in our garage just in case my Mom snooped around my bedroom..or something.. Randy handed me the bong and said that..."Life is a dare..." I was mesmerized by his words sometimes... but after you smoked pot - you always said strange - funny or kinda mystical - intellectual things like that - or so I remember... "It's all a dare..." Randy's words echoed and seem to stick in the back of my mind...that one week... "A Dare..." "Life is a dare..." My eyes wondered up into the night sky and then back to the Black pool heated always to 80 degrees or higher...just like a bathtub... and wafting a type of chlorinated mist into the backyard... The seabreezes were less than a half a mile away...sometimes teasing you with a faint smell of salt air...balmy: calling: whispering the waves pounding far away... I was really stoned that night... I laid my head onto Randy's lap and fell a sleep... I was - I think around 12 or 13 only a few years younger than Randy...and Jake was I think 14 but Randy seemed so much older...to me..like secure or he knew things...that I didn't... we were totally stoned - so Randy carried me off to bed...and i fell into a safe slumber..but later I - woke up to see the full moon slid slowly across my window and went outside into the backyard and just sat there... staring down into the bottomless black swimming hole that I loved so much... It was like a magic pond or something: something mystical or that could bring healing or something special...: something extraordinary... Jake was nowhere around that night...maybe at the park or in the back - cement/basin/waterwash run-offs that traversed much of Los Angeles... where he loved riding his bike and looking at junk people threw in there soemtimes... My uncles house was built along one of those basins...those giant cement basins that seem to begin nowhere and run forever: back to nowhere...and when it rained...you sure knew what they were for....but you never knew where all that water ended up... My father's cement company: Parker Brothers provided all that cement... and Jake would sometimes remark how our dads company paved nearly all of those basins and most of the sidewalks in LA as well and then hed laugh and say...but nobody ever uses them because everyone drives!!! HA!ha.... "Cement, Pavements and Decking...Do it with Parker Brothers..." My Dad's and my uncles company also did : pool decks... parking lots and alot of high schools...yeah they were all built with Parker building materials...all those cement basins...and yeah the sidewalks that no one ever used... Pretty much wherever we went in California...well, atleast southern California anyway - wed be driving or sometimes walking on cement that came through and was brokered by Parker Brothers... "Over 25 trucks now..." my Dad would often repeat to my mother...at breakfast or driving in the car somewhere...my mother would just stare out the window...like she was riding a star in another galaxy...or something -- : lost--not there.... >>>>>>>>> The LA cement/waterway/basins... when it rained Jake and Randy and I would watch the cement basins fill up with water... and they filled up fast...sometimes -- the junk that had been in there or thrown in there from the Summer would float by...: once we saw an entire tree, and another time a car.... no lie just floating by... the waters could get up to 30-40mph when it rains hard for several days...rushing past us and rushing fast wed sit on the dirt ledge and watch the water run by fast...it seemed wild - wonderous...going somehwere and doing it fast... sometimes Jake would lift up the manholes in the street near his house and walk through the sewer channels that lead into the larger cement basins along under his house and under all the nieghboors house - I went with Jake once...it was just he and I and jake stopped to take a piss and then showed me his dick and started laughing... and I ran away... you never knew what Jake was going to do...he had this totally fucked up wild streak...maybe kinda violent...but yeah something in him was just wild... >>>>>>One afternoon a few days after it had rained... my Aunt was down at the neighboors having Margaritas... we sat by my uncles pool..the blue pool...Randy and I talking... Randy liked to talk...he was calmer than Jake... Jake was always doing something: trying to make pipe bombs... trying to catch the nieghboors cat to torture it...sticking fire crackers in frogs mouths and lighting them...and then laughing... Jake was always laughing about something... >>>>>>>>Coffee brewing...first thought of the day... Randy... what happened to Randy --- first thought - before (lighting) the first cigarette... "Too many things have happened to me and most of them dont matter anyway..." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A mound of dirt Jake carrying a shovel... where my cousins burrowed and dug a childs fort - a fortress of sorts to play in...and in one early afternoon, my aunt down the block having early afternoon margaritas...could not hear when my oldest cousin sufffocated inside -the walls of his teenage kingdom - walls - the dirt caved in... he was dead - gone within minutes... frozen... he comes to me sometimes...in dreams - about what he could have become...what he would have looked like as a man...who he would have loved and what his hopes were.... >>>>>>>> After that day... Jake and I used to climb the fence and stare off or at the mound of dirt - the hole....where our now buried somehwere else friend and relative passed away... or Wed simply sit there quiet kick more dirt into the hole..where it happned... and not talk... or Wed climb back over the fence....and sit on the edge - ledge of the patio deck - our feet kicking in the blue swimming pool....or sometimes get stoned by the black one... looking up at the sky...talking telling jokes or in silence... plenty of kids in our nieghboorhood had swimming pools... everyone almost in fact...it was no big deal for us... except for the Markley's who never mowed their lawn and everyone said their dad was an alcoholic... >>>>>>>One time we were standing on the patio furniture table that Jake pulled to the fence and looking at the mound of dirt - and hole - where Randy disaapeared...we thought my Aunt was down at the Johnston's having daquiris or margeritas..like she usually did...but then she came into the backyard...I will never forget it: she was wearing these lime green pants that were really tapered at the ankles...and a sleeveless top white with a design of smallish blue swirls...typical mom - summer by the pool outfit...sunglasses...like jackie O...and she freaked...when she saw us and knew we were gazing into the hole...it was really quiet at the time - and then there was a pained scream kinda..."Get off that fence---" almost tears...and then she disappeared into the kitchen and we heard glass breaking...breaking into the sliding glass door...off the patio-- Martha, was throwing these really exspensive glass figurines onto the floor of the kitchen and into the sliding glass door... and it cracked into a spiderweb but didnt fall out...just cracked into a perfectly "fuckedup" krinkly circle...and didn't move any further... then everything was silent and Martha - my aunt, was gone -- lost somewhere in the house - probably on the second story...maybe looking out over the ocean... Jake and I jumped off the table and looked at each other - kinda blankly - if that makes sense and then Jake pulled the table away from the fence back to where it had been next to the two chaise lounges...but when he did it made a loud long screech...from the metal roughing along the cement...we looked up and saw my aunt looking out the window.... we walked into the kitchen and began cleaning up the mess and sweeping everything up...Jake said something like: "Wow - my mom even broke the crystal swan she liked so much... (I'll guess now that it was either: Swarovski or Lilique...the figurines...that sat in the center of the dinning room table where we ate alot of times..but mostly in the breakfast nook...my aunt called it..) the dinning room table was not all that big actually - it had a circle cut into the exact middle about ten inches around and these is where the glass figures found their home...floating there mostly---as if they were all in a dream...) ((we knew they cost alot of money but really didn't know that not all moms bought things like that...my mom collected Llardo instead...mostly clowns - sad - quiet thin clown statues...of all kinds...in every pose...and they were all around the house...but not on any table where we ate...) >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> after that Jake disappeared and I think he lifted up a manhole cover and then slid it back over the pavement and descended into the waterway sewer system...which opens up into the larger water basin about a half a mile away...abolut three blocks away from the beach... I went upstairs sensing no movement in the house at all and uncovered Randy's bed covers and slid into the sheets... imagining..of course, that he was in there with me...and the Tv was on and we were in our boxers-- talking and laughing... I felt him there warm and reassuring... kinda cuddling behind me - like he did when i got too tired to go home and just stayed at my aunts's house for the night... Randy and I sleeping together...I always felt safe with him next to me - I fell into a perfect sleep...that afternoon...what Jake and I would call: "the glass breaking day...." The black Swimming Pool.... the first haircut... how old are you when you can walk and talk and put thoughts together about the world - the adults around you - your place in the scheme of it all...your intelligence gauged against others - your "position" so to speak here in this Earth-dream... the wonders of life are hidden- at times so obvious that we miss them -- that we awake in the same body everyday-- the we take a substance into our bodies and something happens... the we move matter around... that our perfect bodies dream of flying at night... that we can remember anything at all... yes even the spring sun kissing the flowers... thunderstorms and rain... the freshly cut grass - piled up into a mound next to the fresly raked leaves... ice cream on a hot August sunday... all perefct miracles... all wonderful dreams... all connected to our bodies... that we leave one day..holding all the gold...in the pockets of our spirits... Randy was never really afraid - like I was - it was Jakes idea to build the fort....actually, but Randy was big enough to help us and carve it out...i think he was around 14 or 15 at the time... while Randy dug and dug - pushing the dirt into a new creation...Jake spun cartwheels and told stories about how our fort would be the best in the neighboorhood... I remember Randy hitting a sharp twing of granite...the shovel stopped curving into the ground - hed hit something... I high above him - our eyes met...what the hell..? he said from down below... "What is it ??" i remarked...and just then Jake from his whirling cartwheel spun over close to the ledge... it was Jake's jump actually that cracked the burrowed walls to cave in...but I never told anyone that : Jake and I were bound forever in this secret... in slow motion as these things always occur took place almost on cue...my eyes were fixed onto Randy's - his onto mine...the horrible revelation that was about to come...and then Jakes peering inward and down and then the ground broke beneath me - flipped me backward and swallowed Randy and the shovel... >>>>>>> U remember thinking how beautiful he was - if a 12 year old could have such a thought, that he seemed so strong and powerful...digging...shirt off covered with sweat, doing something truly important... and then the sky of that afternoon would not bring success and the time to play...no -- later after the ambulance took away Randys body...it would open up -- unzipping a cascade of water -- a brief storm filling the hole instantly where only minutes before Randy's warm almost a full grown man full of promise and masculitniy and light...Randys body lay covered, now lifeless...his body there - but Randy his bright perfect smile - and luminous blue eyes...closed - randy was gone...that light gone... the hole filled up with water - in the nest few weeks -- id peer over the fence... i often imagined him somehwere in the bottom swimming...- holding his breath...alone but never cold...i always imagined him warm and fresh... oftentimes i dream of him...crawling out of that hole...shirtless - all the dirt washed away in a rainstorm and him standing arms outstretched and glorious...surviving death... perhaps running over to me and lifting me up - and swinging me around...thunder above, rain pelting - laughter and fun...again.... that he was only lost and that i could somehow find him and bring him back... wed laugh and crawl back over the fence - just us two alone in the night - dancing or laughing.... and going home toghether to play or watch Tv together... I dream this dream often -- with variations but Randy always young and beautiful and free.... >>>>>>>>>>>>> it was about a week after Randy went away that he came to me in a dream...the dream was that he and i were watching Tv together - jake was in the kitchen somehwere making noise or trying to figure out how to turn on the oven to cook a frozen pizza...my aunt left for us... it was nightime- and we were simply sitting there enjoying the Tv program when suddenly Randy sat up abruptly...looked up as of something had flown by - or were crawling on the ceiling - staring intently and then hugging me gently and kissing the top of my forhead...and saying: "Hey, lil bro...I have to go...now...." and then without warning - the lights go out - the house is quiet and empty - randy is gone jake is gone...and I walk out into the back yard quietly and sit beside the swimming pool...a dark watery hole reflecting silver back to me from the moon... >>>>>>>>>> sometimes for breif seconds gazing into a mirror - getting ready for work - ill see Randys face, or that silvery reflected surface of the black swimming pool, underneath the reflection.. black and fluid... lost there - lost in that afternoon... in the nights spent talking to Randy--falling a sleep or him holding me while we watched Tv... never truly understanding the ripples it made...but kind of knowing how deeply death affects you...when someone you thought would always be there and then for no reason...is just simply not there...sudden and sharp---they are gone... things are gone... lives are gone...entire futures are affected... outcomes altered forever more.... frozen, covered, buried but always there...covered but hovering... holding your hand - always fresh... >>>>>>>>> you die when your at peace here... your alive because your stil in conflict...something needs to be done... said -- healed...broken open...a chance to see another sunset-- the waves..the waters of a lake at dusk...another garden to be planted... a beachday picnic...something wonderful... when youve collected enough memories.. when your body stops breathing...when your misery exceedes your joy.... >>>>>>>>>>>>>if i made any mistake here - it was neglecting the living because i was lost in the deaths of the past... >>>>>>>>>I was still writing the story of my life - we live -- the world goes around because of our stories not because of money - or greed or jesus or inasnity - the world goes around and we live on the stories of those who wnet before us - for good or for bad... we hang on and live until we know our story is coming to a close...that someone heard it - and that we knew it...that we were done writing it and had enough love and passion and memories unfrozen now to take home...to heaven - to the other side to keep us always warm and always wanting to come back... we hold stories in our bodies... plotlines - characters weve known or wanted to be... images of us winning... wanting it all to play out another way or carressing a fond vignette where everything seemed to go right... we toss around and discard certain things - some still burning alive and pressed into us like the day they happned and some of course torn and faded...finally expiring to our thoughts and then compleltey forgotton... >>>>>Awake... I believe I know "The Secret" to life.... dont ever make the mistake of thinking anyone or anything will ever be sane... including yourself... this revelation took four near death experiences - three breakdowns and several trips to the emergency room and or hospital.... >>>>>the residue of fear we collect.... becomes a strange pain...that I suspect ends up becoming out only friend.. vague - unclear - luminous and shattered... it haunts us - hunts us - down unitl we can no further resist its companionship...then sits with us -- our pyshical selves crushed - sucked and whitered...hopefuly our souls somehow healed or at the least satisfied that the "movie" of our lives -- was worth the trip... I awake...haunted - by the retarded Oedispis of my forfathers.... all the projected poverties-- and unwanted feeelings and unlived dreams... by the mental illness enforced and connected to my sexuality... by those around me still lost and living in oblivion... by those almost enlightend...by the darker corners Ive sat in---by the light I'am trying to touch... i hand over the 1700 faconable jacket to my 6 month old dachshund hound -- knowing somewhere its going to put my step-mother in a grave if she were to ever find out - in this life - things are important but people take a secondary role - to things... things meaning - ideas - concepts - the whole - the system or yes even actual pocessions...money is what matters here - eventhough try as you may to validate it - the world will tell you that people are first - they are not - >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> lasting happiness doesnt exist - this is the neurosises that we all suffer from... atleast not the lasting and eternal happiness that bible beaters pretend to sell...and theres a reason why so many people buy it - why - its a dream.... the lost dream of us all... that god is good or a person or a man for that matter... yeah that type of happiness - that someday -- somewhere -- out there youll be rewarded - with truth - and love and happiness the happiness fo being good.... no matter how hard ive tried - can someone please tell me why the human mantra always seems to wind up being - i hate you because...? look in the mirror and repeat: everyday upon awakening...."I hate you because..." pause....... insight into the human drama... the melancholy plateu of revelation-- that comes after listening to thomas newman music - from chain smikong and malnutrition - from being overdosed in the hospital on percodans - from a binge of cocaine - from having a dick up ur ass - one in ur mouth and thinking about how wonderful it is to walk your dog or glance up at the full moon fog covering it just perfectly - just as your about to be rolled for the five dollars in your wallet... something happens - god comes... because thru all the dis-ease and dysfunction and medication, and meditation, thru all the lost ghosts of your high school past or haunted dreams of wanting something....thru the terror and panic and excitement and phone calls and the tears and rage - something happnes that allows us to not compleltey self destruct...something like light and god or gentlness - or forgiveness -- something like that - pity - shame - grief - horror - the way my dog looks at me when she eats...the kibble shooting out of her mouth onto the floor she looks up at me - unguarded...kind of a dumb smile on her face... my heart broke in two the first time i saw it - miracles...happen... from all the tragedy and tradegies we create real or imagined that we create - miracles happen... the miracle of the voice that told me to step out of the bathtub as i was being electrocuted.... the miracle of something that pulled me off the burning matrress in college... the miracle of something so simple - as my dead stale brown dried up onions growing into these strong green life filled tender yearlings... the miracle of the counter person smiling when i went to the deli after getting out of the hospital - i wieghed all of 110 pounds - and looked like ET...a dying ET and she simply smiled a perfect smile and said have a good day... >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> comedy or tradegy - ? how bout life is a tradegy or a miracle... >>>instead of becoming the tragedy I became the miracle.... i finally realized that i was born into slavery and had crawled out and was now free - rather than thinking i was born free with hope and promise - and then lost it - the epiphany....complete - until the next time - t later that afternoon... young huslter bro - in a new outfit - stands in a booth in his underwear - bubble butt prominant - and i lean in to watch as his last trick - john ? walks over to the paper towel rack -- pulls a few sheets off and then hands then to him - and then makes a prompt exit - i still watch -- not ever trying to keep my desires reserved - i want to be next - i want him to undress again and further and cal me in but he doesnt - -- more wanitng - then a troll - maybe 5-4tall - big dark sunglasses that youd proabably buy at a liquor store or a 7-11 ofr 3-99 and a totally bad die job - perhaps i detect a faint smuge of rougue on this queens face - the lips pursed like an older rich woman who just saw the pool book take hi shirt off down next to the pool house - with a half used up bar of all the finest liqour....in her house full of diamonds and prada.... yeah - here she is - waving me into her own booth - my stomache wretches and i turn down another isle pretending to chk out the young twicks sections and then thr treasure island bare-backing pig section... a black dude simply appears behind me - i see my face in the mirror and then spy young huslter bro - and make my way twoard him -- now so awash in adreniline i seem to float through the space my feet somehow moving but iam not connected to them iam lost in the huslters soft brown eyes.... iam lost in seeing my father's face... iam lost at the barber shop...when i was 4- maybe 5 years old... iam lost in the curves of tommy's red still half wet swim trunks that outline even crack and curve of his young beautiful body - every curve -- the outline of his balls - the tip of the head of his cock - kinda full and hot - sitting there almost waiting to break into a full hard bone - as he rolls a joint - in front of me on the side of the bed -- and lights it - and winks and offers it to me - - i say no because iam afraid so he smokes it alone - tommy is maybe 16- maybe 17 - the edge of 17... when i was 13 at the lake - in the desert-- 102 scroching degrees of no humidity totally dry heat -- I pck up the phone and call my oldest sister... i think about mumbling -- something to the effect of: "I'am sorry your brother turned out to be a fag...and had to leave for 20 years until the world was safe for homosexuality - or atleast somewhat safe..." that atleast until the shame of it didnt burn you alive and everything around you - alot of men become failures because of what they never achieve - in my time if you hapened to be a queer -- be born that way - you were out of default a failure as a man - a future husband? A bread winner...of a "good" father... a failed successor to the throne of your parents affection... you had no other choice -- back in that time long ago..but to leave - disappear become the whisper in the kitchen during cocktail parties... "Hows your son doing ? you have a Son dont you...?" my mother stirring and whirling the olives in her gin martini -- "Oh Sean...hes a "writer" in New York...." and then change the subject...or pour everyone more drinks... >>>>I often think we stay alive - in hopes of that one afternoon where we can simply sit there on a sundrenched patio or perhaps a darkned room alone...and all the frozen dreams of past -- all the wonderous pain soaked hopes and yearnings can spill out of you like a perfect waterfall...clean, clear, lucid and warm...feeling all the things that happened seeing them from the eyes of the sage - and understanding them--letting them free...to be alive again... the power of now... the thoughts that something better is coming - the knowledge that dreams are so important and grief and shame is what drives us...into those futures...where we make peace...and then go home... my uncle throws us into the pool....and down to the bottom i go - my beard grayed from the elapsing of time...but i still have the same look in my eyes...quiet - knowing - sad - a crooked smile...skin turning into death and the viens rising...and exposed...but the same feeling...standing there on a beach...the sun coating my face... a perfect golden sun... looking up... into a big cloudless sky... and like always... the entire world spilling out of me... all the dreams...of becoming and going and living....such an incredible life...so full of light...you could touch it - so ffull of joy it could explode and surge out of you almost healing the whole world...bringing forth a miracle...my life - yes something like a miracle - from the first breath until the last... the road forks into a tradegy - you becoming a tragedy or the road less traveled - becoming a miracle... a walking living breathing human being carry the weight of everything youve seen done and could ever be or do - connected to everyone you ever touched or that ever touched you - just spilling out something i think is love.... i dont recall what my first breath here was like actually... i imagine it was a death of sorts for me...and being birthed immediatley sent me into a grief...and greiving - a sort of death--into a kind of death-like trance of life - it would seem that being born would contain all the hope and inncence and promise of a beggining...a new beggining...birth - breath - alive a welcome...but no that is not in myh imaginings what ocurred... I'll guess or dare to say...i didnt count on was the constriction - the vague remembrance of "home..." or the other side...the residue of leaving my beloved over "there" and falling into a state of speration and dis-unity if you will... the thread... and your situation... the framework...seems to always be - the constant - suantering in the desert of boredom and wanting to finish...to go o n and transform back to pure dis-associated light - merge forever with the divine and forget all the lifetimes my soul has encountered...forget ever knowing all the loves and losses and becoming...the light forever as knowledge and love -- shinning to all - becoming all without any indication of being apart from that light....hence - the glass of water now dissolves into the vast grand ocean...the ocean of the cosmos... they say its important to know your ending and my final ending --the ultimate ending will be that dissolution.. into the divine so complete i will not have the memories that i carry now - the burden of them how ever grand and pitiful and all encompassing ever now readying to be transpired - transmuted forever into love.... but my first breath and my last here - is only a breif span -- a short chapter-- as far I'am concerned in the history of my soul... the desert of boredom - the nightime of melancholy-- creativity -- of starving - smoking - the ecstatsy and screaming pain of having a body to care for to feed to starve -- to bend -- or hold another...to gaze into eyes - timid or powerful and know things...the boredom of having seen done and heard it all yes even before i entered here - 1960 no that was my first breath...perhaps but not my genisis...not my original birht.....the boredom...the desert of inasnity....of wanting and wandering... juxtaposed against the need to create - to tell - to do to work -- to savor and fear - fear all day long that you will never get it all in...never get the chance or will somehow lose your way here and your orignal purpose, miss the date that is your destiny here.... can you miss it ? can you miss the people you want to know ? or is the simple fact of your yearning for them the announcement that somehwere close -- there are around and all you have to do is call themm forth.... ?? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> he barber shop the face of an old man - one decrip and crumbling green crumbing paint - and dank smell - the airvent wafting noises from outside... this bottomless -- fathomless - canyon as deep as wide of wanting to be touched - wanting to touch or see a hard cock - to hold one in my hand and suck it put my cheeck to it - wanting it up my ass... the black bro finally comes into the booth and shuts the door - the other wise - ancinet - like a buddha - the other like that of a mortal - ful of yellowish bile - about to ooze open...and spew out its fear and disease... grabbing and raping and stealing your life essence.... the trolls the porn-movie posters on the walls...torn ripped and wiped with lube... the mirrors - like a psychotic sexual blue dream red lust - the neon light bathed in wanting and need and memories - all the pretty terrible sordid tranquil horrifying memories - of thoughts of bodies of light - of near death and darkness and missed tradgies and prayed for miracles are emmanating - out - like a song from my body but it is the bodies that I want and remember - the other bodies that my body remembers - and cant let go of - and or so it seems always wants another - wants more...my flesh - rotting and knowing it will come to an end someday - wanting to burn alive - in the constant flames of darkness within....the darkness of the world - pain -- strange - people are strange - when your a stranger...faces look ugly when your alone.... my feet touch the floor - there seems to be a light wamr breeze that touches - no graces my back... perhaps my dick is half hard and i pull on it a few times... the memories - the smiles that were evil the friends that i lost - the life that melted away... my father my insane step-mother awash in her yellow house full of martinis and wanting...of constant movement and always "doing sonething..." that everything seems like or is a competition...or a race racing toward - your death yeah one minute at a time - ending and exploding - and your dying and always doing something... but never never getting anywhere - traveling the whole fucking world in prada and diamonds but really never going anywhere but nowhere... internal movement.... the old greek guy who lives on my block - he looks as if he stinks... i dont know him - he and i have never talked before - one day he just opens a small jewlery box in front of me and there is a medal inside - sterling - of a saint...the patron saint of artists - or so he says - he says that he wants me to have it - i stare forward and then down into his grey dehydrated hand - almost like a fake rubber it extends the gift - I dont know what to say...i take it and bow my head and simoultaneusly push it into my pocket and move froward dwom the block - screaming and red - and chest burning - because i catn seem to process the day - its begun 2-3-4-5 million miles and hour and my feet are still just touching the bedroom floor where i sleep for the first time this morning...actually afternoon... pain...because - the dull - latent only once in a while pain reserved for -- right before i have to go out and just point blank suck some cock to even feel normal again - the thirst -- the feeding of this pain of -- "it"... and it wants - it aches to be held and hidden but its always kinda there - in sad songs and empty barrooms and aleeyways and rain soaked streets reflecting the neon on the porn shops on eighth aveneu...yes its always there - waiting for me - is it me - is it you is it everywhere - ?? yes it is everywhere... >>>>>>>>> returning.... i made the mistake of telling my doctor that i can control the weather once....

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Boner at Blockbuster..." (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  all dis-ease is a lie my vital energies are being replenshed my blood is clean --- keep the love - dump the dis-ease 4-25 - 10:30am slept 6 hours ! today I start taking the stickie notes off certain things and placing them back in their previous places around the apartment.. apparently the mild liver cleanse cleanse seems to be doing the trick - my itching is low grade today - still there but i dont feel compelled to scratch. the "skin scarring" on my stomache flanks, right elbow, upper thighs and claves seems to be healing... I decide to take one milk thistle every other day and juice with apple - celery and beet, a known liver cleanse....on the aternate days. the weather is crisp and clear almosst touching 60'. sems to bring hope and the promise of spring renewal.... mantra for the day: the dis-ease in my energy that doean't belong to me is leaving in peace and safety... >>>4-21- my libido is starting to come back -- it seems obvious my sexual energy has had time to replenish and even collect, in the almost six months of abstainence this translates into two dangers, the first is slipping back into my "sex - nicoteen - internet - hook-up addiction" - at the least, compulsive masterbastion, downloading internet porn for hours, or worse a trip to the porn shop video booths or a downtown sex club, if i choose to abstain from the tingling and arousal in my loins then I'am compeld to chain smoke and pace about the apartment....neither of which would be a wise choice...i stay on course keeping my impulses from turining into behavior i will regret.... I think it "all the way through," as they say in recovery programs... I've heard that physical recovery alone from the effects of sex addiction are exhaustion, insommnia, and irritation to rolling anger anywhere from 6 months to a year...which would make sense now that I'am at the six month mark in my celebecy.... I decide to return a dvd - "memiors of a geisha" to blockbuster...in lieu of jerking off or wandering along eighth avenue.... I'am filled with rage and testoserone as I make my way up eigth avenue to the DVD store and as to why i havent a clue, perhaps all the DHEA i was spiking into my system is relasing from my cramped up muscles.... while at the store searching for a new dvd to rent I feel a random arousal in my groin and suddenly my cock begins to harden for no reason.... I havent had a full errection in the last four months other than the two times I jacked off which took a long time to achieve: and never upon awakening which was the case for a good 20 years...every day upon awakening that famliar ache in my balls, blood flowing nicely into the head of my cock, the rise in the duvet uncovered - I usually began the day with a quick release... these days I wake up to night sweats and itching... I'am wearing a pair of sweat pants and no underwear - its around 11pm which was about the time i logged onto manhunter looking for sex...for the last three years - as an interesting side note i feel it's worth mentioning here that this particulair blockbuster was once the entrance to the "adonis theater" - a grand holdover from the halcyon days of stage theater replete with red velvet draps, golden cielings and a grand dusty chandaleir: falling into disrepair in the 80s it became a legend in manhttan with sex addicts and curious first timers, listed in gay guide books and internet websites.... the balcony hosted a disorganized orgy for anyone who wandered up the stairs...from noon to midnight. and yes there was porn - gay porn playing on the movie theater sized screen above the main stage....had you inclination you could spend a few hours there and not even know it..... now the adonis is a nationwide corporate dvd rental store -- i pace the islses looking for a different kinda of entertainment ---- if you were a patron in the store and glanced my way it would be obvious there a glaze in my eyes and a heavy bulge rising in my sweatpants. my body starts to relax and my mouth begins to water... I try to shake it off but at the same time I haven't had any energy in my groin like this warmth for a few months: it is soothing and calming: the chemicals being released in my body are the reason why people become sex addicts....a chemical process begins in the body upon sexual arousal that is akin to relasing herion into one's blood.... >>>these chemicals are now flowing throughout my body which has been racked with pain....cramping and nausea for the lasst three months. I feel close to orgasm...as I gaze into the dvd sleeve before me on the shelf: "the fight club." I resist and choose to browse the animated cartoons such as batman and spiderman -- walking gingerly so as to not rub the widening head of my penis against my sweat pants... the last thing I need is to be spotted by another sex addict which are in abundance in this part of town - I live in whats left of Manhattans porn district and if I've learned anything about my self in the last 18 years of living here it would be that i'am just a boy who can't say - "No..." NO - the last thing i need tonight is some hot - wall street- abercrombie stud with a big hot dick and willing white-boy ass spying the eight inch errection I'am sporting in the "action-adventure" isle... and offer an invitation to his near by apartment... this would be the match to the dynamite that I don't want... frankly it is my experience that when your trying to abstain from this type of anonymous encounter guys flock to you from out of nowhere - most of the time they are pulled right from your hottest dreams, in essence the type of guys you dream about: kinda dirty, three day beard - but sexy: direct with a disarming "devil" grin that says - "it's big and gets really hard ...just for you...lets have some fun...cmon lets go....well do whatever you say....just follow me to my place..." all communicated with just a wink and light tug of his crotch....and nod of the head... I always gave in more than I resisted... you might ask if i regret any of those choices even with a rolling - scalding case of HIV I can't say that I do..... my knees are weak... I feel vunerable, i feel my cock beggining to ooze pre-cum inside my pants, that familar warmth circulates in my stomache, I try to breathe.... (many blockbusters are known cruise spots in midtown for quick sex....before midnight.) my half hard dick lingers at half-mast as I wait in the checkout line... I grab a bag of reeses mini p-nut butter cups and open them, I toss two of the minis into my mouth -- my entire body convulses - like a shiver and heave in my groin almost causing me to ejaculate...but I don't. I sigh unwittingly - the register clerk calls out - "next..." and waves me over.... I rented "capote" and "kinsey"

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "More random things." (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  I was born up from the pain of our lust..... I came from you and me and the center of all that is light and dark...the essence of power and masculinity... and being so birthed as i was told - by renegade angels and defectors from "God" my purpose is firm...and I'am solid now and real...and I need not swear my allegance to my brethan... my gay brothers who i will always hold in light...whom I will always protect and guide and love... no I need not take a vow - nor chant words of any kind: why ? because it is my purpose - it is what I'am - the protector - the strentgh of eros...personaifed and solidified and when I'am done and finsihed there will never again be a gay child harmed nor hurt again.... no - i will bring power to us all...in a way - and change everything.... yes - I want you to be strong and go forth and inspire.... it is your duty and mine - and so be it - that they attack then by my spell - it will only make you strong and yet more powerful... my disciples belong to me...take my hand.... and enter...the Temple.... come forth - brother...allow me to touch you...and hold you ...yes...take my hand.... I love you The angels have sworm that I would be their masterpiece... The masterpiece of angels... I'am now - Alive...and I came here just for you.... love Sean dirk... a long time ago... an angel was sent to watch over and protect a human... but instead of protecting him the angel fell in love... the angel fell in love with the human - every hour yearning to be closer and closer to him... soon the angel forgot about God or heaven and became forever entranced with the human man... soon the angel forgot to fly - he fell - and then was soon born into a human body... the human went on with his life: being so deeply touched by the angels love that when he died he was able to ascend up to heaven... filled with love: he became angel himself.... a long time ago a demon was sent to watch over a human... the demon became entranced by the human and instead of destroying his soul, the demon fell in love with the human...soon the demon lost his will to do evil and fell from the powers of darkness... the demon was born into a human body... the human upon dying had no bad deeds to his life since the demon never once tempted or harmed him: the human was full of love and went to heaven and became an angel... once a long time ago an angel was sent to watch over a human...but soon the angel feel in love... he forgot about heaven and soon instead of becoming human he became a demon...under the influence of the powers of darkness.... one day the demon was told to go and find a certain human and destroy his soul... when he came upon the human he saw that he was protected by an angel... instantly the demon was healed and flew right up to heaven... because his sins were washed in an angels love - he too became an angel... this is the story of how we are born... and live and go to heaven.... we rise and fall...and live on. sometimes the demon and sometimes the angel...but always in love... and always going to heaven... sean bateman9 Heaven Love Demons Angels >>>>>>>>>>> Saturday, October 28, 2006 dark night - adults only -- Current mood: artistic Category: Dreams and the Supernatural charles -- upper east side -- sex and death -- thunder and lightning the dark side -- ive been to the dark side a few times - about two years ago...I met this guy --- Charles - i was randomly cruising the hook up now sites on the net -- a site called: "Manhunt." this guy hits me up -- charles -- 5-7'tall 145 pounds -- had some sexy pics of his ass and dick loaded on his profile ...it looked good -- he shot me an email..."cum over here..." "ok. giv me the address..." He did -- I got into a cab... He said that the "door would be open -- lights off -- just come in..." hed be in the bedroom - in bed - naked. Waiting. I grabbed a cab for the upper east side... it was around 2am. the cab rolled through the streets silently -- then all of a sudden lightning-- ! rain --- thunder... I got up to the east 70s - the building was a golden glass high rise of around fifty stories... I paused -- rain blowing everywhere -- came outta nowhere... I looked up --to see the golden tower -- raing blowing across the glass -- the moon above -- thunder shooting again -- whoa...the tower of glass standing up in the night -- wicked -- foreboding...arousing -- he was up there - somewhere -- waiting - naked. the door open - the lights off...his hole hungry for cock -- maybe for my cum...my mouth -- my hands... I spoke to the doorman and he pointed to an elevator... the car rose and floated to the right floor...everything was quiet... the quiet of the wealthy -- fine carpet, nice artwork hung on the long running halls, the lighting nice - soft - perfect - quiet : comfort and money... I went in -- It was an L shaped studio -- the far wall - was all glass -- the bed was in the alcove off to the right... I made my way through the large - dark space... then I came upon the bed... he lay there -- no sound at all - face down - maynehe passed out --- ? A small night light was on in the bathroom so i could just see his ass accented by a fine white sheet covering his body just above his lower back...and the shawdow of his face laying down... still - quiet -- The rich textures of the sheets and the bedding - creating an artform of light and shadow with his upper torso... -- you could tell this man could afford the finer things in life... He was smooth - mid 30s - no hair and not an ounce of body fat... not pumped with muscle but more natural and toned...it was nice... he looked nice - and fine and fuckable... He didn't get up when I made my presence known... I stood at the corner end of the bed...but didnt say anything -- I took the corner of the sheet between my fingers and felt the silky softness of it...nice. and then slowly pulled the sheet away to reveal his ass and naked body completely.. He was laying face down -- perhaps pretending to be a sleep.. I gazed upon his perfect hairless ass - the strong thighs, the scruffy shawdow of beard. His eyes were closed... I paused briefly to see if he would turn around - he simply laid there - breathing softly... I smelled his body and the room, and unlaced my boots -- then removed my clothes in silence...my dick sprang out --- half hard... I ran my hand from the cneter of his neck -- ever so slowly -- to small of his back then to the crack of his ass -- and then down to the back of his thighs then I waited -- finally after a long pause - I climbed on to the bed -- and kneeled next to him... I stayed like that for awhile -- just looking...breathing in the money and finery - the opulence....his smell and body -- the scene: I'am young and bored and rich and handosme...I can have whatever I want -- and tonight I wanted you -- I spit on my hand and began strokng my cock and touching his back and ass...then I bent to meet his body -- I pressed my mouth and then tongue to his middle lower back and tasted his flesh--then I moved my nose to his asshole... All the while the room subdued and dark - and he laying still - eyes closed - not talking...I got it -- it was a fucked up game -- and I was in control... it made me hard...my mind spun out of control over the possibilities... I spread his cheeks apart - and then ran my tongue down the crack of his ass -- then returned to the center - and found his relaxed willing hole... It tasted good...like some willing hot stud... I rimmed him -- he didnt move -- or look at me -- he moaned and pushed his hips up...he slid his cock under so that I could suck it from behind...and I did... He became hard and he lifted his ass up further into the air... His cock sprang forward in full errection -- it was ringing so hard I could feel the pulsating waves of heat now emmanating from his hole -- I held my tongue there...burning his hole -- to come open... he waited -- didn't move -- waited to be entered or fucked or maybe killed...?? or maybe both-- >>>>>>Strange thoughts emmanated into me or from me... I dunno.. they were just in the room... The rain storm pelted the glass outside in a furious way --- the windows shook from the wind... lightning cracked off - and a bolt of bluish white - a few city blocks long, streaked the night sky in a flash... The room lit up --- I pondered the situation for a moment: he said his name was Charles...I could see it in my mind -- me and charles - Charles and I - having dinner - in suits -- going to the theater... laughing -- holding hands... reading the paper on sunday in our boxers... hanging around the house...me bringing him lunch at his offfice -- us - together playing weird sex games all night -- that would be so nice...two strange freaks finding each other -- finding the way together... I paused - the rain caught my attention -- and the fantasy vanished... washed away... I began mumbling...- touching his hole slowly - getting to know it -- speaking softly... "yeah------ I bet your a real load taker -- arent you ? you dirty lil cum whore -- I bet thats your thing -- taking loads...from strangers-- going to the office with your ass full of hot jizz...in a 350$ dollar Thomas Pink shirt and a Hugo Boss suit...moving and shakin wall street and teasing all the bros down there with that hot bulge in your shorts... a big grin on your face... having everyone guessing what you do with your nights... Is that it baby ? Is that what you like ??" My fingers slid around the perimeter of his sphincter... I rubbed the small of his back with my other hand... "yeah daddy's here now...baby - gonna make it all better...or maybe you wanna give daddy your load...is that it ? yeah ---- U lil cum whore -- lil barebacking rich boy ?? Is That IT? Don't give a shit about anything ?? just wanna get fucked --? I'am here now -- you found me -- I'am here...baby -- no more waiting... whatever it is -- It's ok...were gonna do it together...its gonna be real nice - you and me -- alone here -- nobody to tell us what to do -- its just you and me and our hard cocks...our asses and whatever we say goes..." A long pause... There was no talk - ARE you poz or Neg? Do you want a Condom ?? Will you take my load? do you want my cum?? Can I have yours?? Do you care -- I don't care... I'am tired of protecting myself from what -- I don't even know anymore -- my pain is yours baby and my grief and pain and lust...my hard cock -- my ass -- my hole -- my mouth - my MIND...is yours -- and in return -- I want all of you -- give me everything too... would you like that baby -- be my hot cock sucking bro for the night ?? Be my coach -- frat bro -- my boy -- team player in the locker room -- in the back room ---cum slut pig?? Is that why you called me tonight ??" Now his hole was open and relaxed..waiting -- I assumed a position over him ready to mount his ass -- but I would surely take my time -- drill it in deep but slowly - quietly - letting him ache for it -- wanting the thrusts to go deeper and deeper until he cried or begged... slowly -- grinding -- pulling away - strokin my cock then putting it back in-- just the head -- working its way in... slowly I worked my cock into his bareback hole -- pure -- no questions... natural and fine... "Hey u lil load taker -- open that hole for daddy -- thats it baby... show me that hole -- gonna give you some hot warm --cream...tonight" He was ready for a ride -- my precum oozing and lubing up his hole just right -- edging it in...He nodded his head -- but still didn't speak... he said yes -- without talking Yes -- he wanted it : that was all I needed to know... He nodded yes -- and still out eyes hadn't met -- The lights lowered - the room dark... still I did not see his face... simply the brown cropped hair - the clean shaven sillouette..the strong jawline and the shawdow of his cheek... a glass dildo laying on the bed next to him... a small bottle of lube... a small unmarked bottle of pills... I started talking again -- and said some more really fucked up shit to him... >>>>>>>>>>> "Thats right baby -- you don't know me -- your here alone with me... a total stranger walked in -- nobdy to save you if I do something fucked up -- now I'am gonna fuck you -- open your hole real good -- make you remember me -- do whatever I please.. and your gonna let me. I could end your life if I wanted to...." >>>-- his cock got harder -- his ass loosend more >>>-- he arched his lower back to take more of my throbbing cock head... and then he slide his ass up into the air to get fucked...Nice and hard... The rythmm of our skin meeting: exploring -- learning about each other... The movements were precise and dreamlike...and made me ache to know him... I wasn't sure what he was on - pills - alcohol -- some pot -- but I was getting a contact high from it...and it felt good... He grabbed his own cock and stroked it - I reached around -- fuck he had a nice one -- I wanted to suck it -- get his cream... I continued stroking my pole and then pushing it up and into his hole further --- into his hot - warm -- and now juicy hole... almost ready to take the whole of my cock -- just two mor thrusts and hed have it inside...just like a pro -- I took care of him... I placed one hand on his lower back -- as if to say -- get ready -- youve got some hot fucking sausage sliding in... - deep and hard -- I grabbd the sides of his hips -- then a final push until the base of my cock began to easily slide through - almost in... everything lubed and juicy -- I held it there, ffor one more minute -- to let him breathe...and then a final thrust -- "ah fuck---" going deep, he took the cock --he moaned -- his body relaxed -- then his head fell...tilted to the left, but he still didnt look at me -- then he mumbled something like: "god ur so fuckin hot..." "Yeah know -- you could take everything -- maybe rob me -- beat me up--right now -- and it wouldn't matter -- your hard dick was what I needed... nothing else matters... If you wanna choke me - then do it -- if you wanna put a gun to my ass - you can..." "fuck me -- yeah -- thats it -- I need it -- jus fuk me..." he kinda whimpered and then his voice trailed off into moaning... He continued softly mumbling fucked up shit and -- riding my cock... "The only thing that matters is that you came here... that we met...I want everything...I have everything -- tonight I want your load -- your body --- our lust - maybe tonight I want your soul... >>>>ahhhh--- don't stop..please don't stop..Give me everything..." Just Then -- lightning shot across the floor-through - wall to wall windows outside - then a loud crack of thunder...and then I released.... from deep inside my aching ass and nuts... I gave him my load... I shot two streaming loads, in two long squirts --right into his ass... Gave him my essence....my spirit -- a part of me for ever...I held him hard and tight...while my jizz squirted in -- and I felt it rise up his spine -- through his entire back -- hitting him in the forehead... everything was coated in light...white light -- blue -- god -- wamrth -- He took every drop -- willingly -- he was grateful...he sighed "Yes..." he pushed back into me.. grabbed a bottle of poppers from under the pillow and inhaled from it deeply... I flipped him around: chest to chest my cock still in his ass - and then --- I grabbed his chin and brought it to mine --- >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> our eyes met -- We sat there motionless...the cum oozing out of his hole - down the base of my cock and onto the sheets...I nodded - "Yes." I licked his chin and lips...and jutted my head toward him...as if it were a dare... As if to say - "Cmon fucker - hit me.. spit on me... I'll make you cry..." my cock still hard - deep inside...his ass contracting still... trying to suck more of my juice into his hungry hole... we just stayed like that -- simply staring and dazed... I was silent. He was silent. No talking. All defenses and pretense gone -- I wrapped my arms around him -- and held him tight -- held him there closed my eyes and pressed my haed to his shoulder -- stayed that way - chest to chest -- heart to heart -- for maybe twenty minutes - an hour - forever -- I don't know...stayed that way -- mixing everything we had togethere...all the fluids and - chemicals -- and fear and lust: everything melting into one... His and His: Heaven and Hell... I kissed him again and then bit his lower lip wanting to cause pain, make him cry or beg or pull away: but he didn't... I bit his chin hard and sucked it hard... he didn't pull away... He was so fucking beautiful...some poor lil rich white - abercrombie -- I want daddy...gonna drill you hard to prove everything...sweet hot-- husband ? stud... I lay my head to his chest -- Then slowly I slid my cock out of his ass and laid on top of him listening to his heart beat -- pinning him down -- feeling all the juice from his hole and my cream all mixed - wetting my pole -- feeling it coated in the air and then rubbing against the sheets sticky and warm...and going soft...I relaxed...and sighed... He didn't move...then he wrapped his arms around me and held me --- We lay there for maybe hours...sweating - holding - sometimes kissing... sleeping... Then I woke up -- kinda in a trance or out of one --- I lifted my head and torso up --I looked into his eyes again and shook my head - so fucking nice... and then I slid down -- my throat to his crotch -- my face above his stomache...I rubbed my heavy - thiick beard across his skin---then I bit his navel and paused then I brought my lips to the under side of his shaft -- now growing stiff again... ...and then I sucked the head of his cock -- long strokes -- with my hand wrapped around the base -- trying to get his cream...I wanted that load in my mouth and inside -- where it belonged -- fresh from behind his throbbing hole -- from deep inside his beefy - hot low hangers-- then i knew -- he moaned out loud -- and nodded...like here it comes...fuck yes! Two strokes and then -- bamm he shot -- three hot streams of cum exploded in my mouth - sweet - hot -- sticky -- potent...mine... I felt the deep thrust from his groin as I milked his cock into my mouth -- swaying and holdiing it tight to my lips-- I pressed the pulsing base under his balls to push all the hot milk forward from his balls into my willing mouth -- I wanted it all -- wanted to drain his nuts of everything --- it warmed the back of my throat...and then also for awhile we stayed that way...the streams slowing to a slo ooze--- until he went soft...I held my head on his lower belly like that -- his cock still in my mouth --- the head to my lips -- with the spit and cum soaking my cheeeks and his bush above his perfect ---shaft.... Still we didn't talk... then I layed down next to him...but I turned my face away...almost falling into sleep... Now it was my turn... I made it obvious from my body language... He could have me - Do whatever he wanted -- strangle me - - hit me over the head -- fuck me -- abuse me -- hit me --- spit on me -- kill me -- heal me --- all at once -- lose control or tell me to go -- his call... I layed down all my defenses... naked in every way...just as he had offered to me... there was silence...for a long time... Only the rain could be heard around the darkened bed... the wind outside -- tapping against the panes of glass... i felt him get up and leave the bed -- my eyes were closed and i was laying face down -- He left the room for a moment and then returned -- I didn't look up -- After awhile I felt him kneading my ass cheeks - from behind -- spreading my ass open...my hole responding to the air...and then the carees of his hand... He pulled my head up: my chin toward him and met my eyes -- then he slid me around so we were chest to chest -- he held my chin tight in his hand -- eyes fixed onto mine -- "Don't look away -- " he mumbled -- and I didn't... still locked onto my gaze... he put a finger to his lips and allowed spit from his tongue to drip onto it -- and then slowly he lowered that hand and his wet fingers to my hole -- tapping on it then rimming me with his tongue and then slid his fingers in and around my shincter and then finally-- into my hole... He moved them around - watching the expressions on face change -- then he pulled them out brought them up -- and sat up -- touched his fingers to my lips and whispered, "This is what your ass tastes like..taste it." I sucked on the musky fingers...and took in the taste of my own ass... He fuckin dug it ... then he grabbed my face - like he was losing control - passion he couldn't contain...his blue/green eyes kind of drunken...wide, lazy and doped... and he kissed me again..hard and passionate and clean, deep --deep, his tongue went into my mouth -- big sloppy -- wet -- hot kisses-- A few times he stopped--- looked into my eyes again and then spit onto my chest -- or into my mouth -- and then returned to kissing me again... I pulled away and likewise spit on him and his chest and face -- both of us were getting hard again...spittting and sucking tongues and biting lips -- sprayed with sweat and spit and cum everywhere--- he pushed me down on the bed and then stood up over me and began stroking his cock -- which now was again at full errection... I took in the view -- - he towered over me -- I could see his nice pole -- his hole moist and kinda still open...dripping jizz- his strong thighs...and kinda doped out grin...innocent and raunchy-boy-man-child -- hot fucker -- lover...gonna giv u the jack-hammer --right now boy -- gonna give your ass a good pounding you'll never forget--- then he bent over -- still jerking off -- his cock rock hard --he positioned me the way he wanted me -- slid me around on the bed -- grabbbed my ankles -- my ass bunching up the sheets pressed my thighs up to my chest -- and commanded: "Hold um there --" I roped my fore arms at my elbows to the back of my knees... I held there -- my hole spread open -- exposed - to him -- now opening up at the thought of his hrad dick entering it -- I was a well trained bottom -- and knew what to do -- he moved to rimm my ass and slide his tongue and fingers -- around my hole opening it up.... he grabbed my hard dick and gave it a few pumps -- tongued my taint and sucked on my nut-sack: stroked me more and then looked into my eyes..while he was doing it -- then he moved forward and swallowed the entire thiick sticky shaft... my dick was still freshly lubed and kinda greasy from his hole.. the mix of his ass-juice and my cream...and spit...our hot fucking lust... mouth to cock -- burning again -- into one... the smell filled the air -- of sweat and body oder and semen and sex -- of fear and release and pain and love... and then finally he offered his hand close to my face -- nodded and said: "Spit..." I did as he commanded -- laid a nice wad of natural lube into the palm of his hand -- like a pro -- he slid it around my hole... fingered it once more -- pressed and slid his shaft along the crack -- up and down -- easing the head toward the hole and then teasing...pressing it in - then pulling back -- then I began to cry -- "ohh fuc - giv me ur cock -- oh fuck I need that cock..." We both were in a place menatally where we had accessed the dark-light alternative reality ---cosmic- spirits and bodies in the zone-- together -- like we were the only two people that understood anything... or that ever cared or that were ever in pain... He looked deep at me - and then slid that hot beautiful pole of his into my hole nodding yes -- "I'am gonna give you the cream baby -- give you my hot burning load -- so I'll always be there -- inside -- with you -- no matter what..." >>>>>>> He fucked me a long time -- sometimes slow and sometimes pounding -- getting my hole juicy and shooting more and more heat into it -- ....until I begged for his milk... the sun was coming up -- the room filling with morning light -- the city scape widining across the windows -- an entire view of central park... brushing the trees - coming toward us -- as a soft light crawling across the carpet - then the sheets and then our bodies: bathing us in a strange glow of sexual communion...out of our bodies but totally present...fianlly he exploded a load in my ass... we both let out yells of pain and release...I felt the warmth shoot into my ass and then belly and then up to my forehead... my heart chakra -- my chest opening up -- releasing all manner of love and maybe some pain.... He fell to my cock and sucked all the juice out and off -- from my balls and stomache -- then - I guess - we both passed out... >>>>>>>>>>>> >As I was saying.... > >I'd be in a sling all day with my ass spread wide open (and clean shaven) waiting for you to eat it out and then bury your huge cock in it. Your buds would come over and you'd show me off to them and they would be be jealous of you and would want some of my ass. Would you give it to them since its your ass, your hole? Would you let them take me out of my cage at anytime they wanted and make me serve them and worship their cocks as I would worship yours? ice pick into my heart... full moon 2006 winter ?? Current mood: morose full moon the newness and intensity of winter announces itself as I pace through hell's kitchen its time to burn some candles buy candles arriving a cold snap - a crispness - winter - here - now about to freeze the sudden cold forces a pain to reveal itself... I stop to glance at a couple on the street their warm embrace the full moon above begins to force something out a wounded groan - the sound of an animal howling... blocked but gaining in it's intention... at times like this one - I'd write - conjure words spells or chants -- light candles... the sound - the pain - inside is as old as my existence here -- home sick - birth wandering wanting... tragedy is not supposed to happen not to something pure or beautiful something rare or poetic but there it is... crashing down around all of us - so loud and screaming - it races by to a few -- who know the secret this is how art is born birthed and released from the golden light of the deeper wound... I'am cold - I want to go home -- the vice around my throat holding down the fear of release can not be stopped can not be held... melting by fire in the crucible below my belt... I'am cold and burning and have to get home candles in hand I hit the door and run amidst the scattered chaos of my space... pulling off my outer clothes - down to my shorts left in a pile... down a hallway... lighting candles the flames arise and blinding thirst hits my forehead light - and light and light - blocked thirst a simple cigarette and release from my groin is not going to fix this one... I begin sweating an errection won't surface can't focus... music... back beat - tribal - primative loud....stomping crying aching trying to move the hand to the phallus... on my knees every sense alive spasms heaving a pounding on the door - pound - pound the music is too loud - the nieghboors are awake I'am blind the door shutters and almost breaks the hinges hold...pound pound I lift myself up - water for the thirst I crawl to the refridgerator lift up one hand and the door swings open... ice....everywhere from the top down... the freezer - frozen slick ice the ice trays fly thirst ice pick finds my hand a large chunk hits the floor and I slide it into my mouth... the strength of my body returns and finds the force from the groin swelling up a rise - the errection ice pick to ice hard to the ice my testicles ooze pain and pre-cum as I pick - pick - pick the ice away... heaving my libido pulsing my hips and another precise whack into the ice it hits the floor... and then I scream.... my hands are covered in blood I stand in a pile of ice... sweat falling from my forehead... my shorts wet from orgasm... my feet burning from the cold the ice turning to water and then a scream so loud it stops the pounding at the door there silence.... there is no more ice in the compartment... no more pain - in the space silence - pure and new I crawl through the clothes and blood and ice to find the bed... I lay face up - heaving find the phone and hold the reciever to my hand breathing and heaving and speaking.... finally telling.... and then I black out.... in a pool of silence- the moon protects me and tells... shines through the window.... dreaming of home and then the boddy finally relaxes and I find sleep I'am released into peace...

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Clinic Monday Spellman" (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  monday may 1st weather crisp and clean 7:20am no dreams slept about five hours light sweats, but didnt have to change clothes... dream - I'am standing in a forest. there is a blue hue to everything. there is snow coating everything. I'am standing there. the is a light dusting of snow coming down. there is no temprature here. niether cold nor heat...I outstetch my arms into the air to feel the dust of the snow. i feel really great. there is peace and quiet and joy tranquility. I look up to the sky and say: "oh god, it's so BEAUTIFUL..." I awake rather violently as if pulled through a portal in time. I sit on the edge of the bed and then remember my life: the itching starts but it is moderate compared to two weeks ago, so this is my solace. it's not as bad as it was... I have some coffee, smoke a few cigs and download ivy's - "worry about you." off the net from the i-tunes store. I decide to go back to spellman to show the nurse the actual result of my TB test and hope that it is still readable and that i won't have to have another "implant." and then wait again. I'am waiting on a file that would allow me to apply for public assistance to help with my rent, food and living exspenses. my doctor says that he wants me to go back to work. I thinking that I will but only when my vital energies are replenished and the time is right... when matthew visited and made his house call he looked at the TB test and said "oh yeah - thats not a good sign..." I was worried. I arrive at spellman around 8:30 and the place is empty but the floor is open so i walk through the main door off the waiting area to see if the nurse who injected me is around, she is. she remembers me actually and gives me a warm, "how ya doing?" she is an older black woman wearing blue scrubs - in her fifties, kind and steady. "ok baby - you just sit down there and let's see." i sit down and pull up my sleeve, she gazes at my wrist and inspects it. "Very good! ok i'll just give you a copy of the result and your on your way..." she returns with a zeroxed copy of the test result: a circled "NEGATIVE" I walk around the corner of the clinic to Ms. morgan's office to see if shes in her office. the door is closed but i knock lightly. i hear through the door - "i'am on the phone!" repeated kinda of like when you were younger and living at home - your sister was in the bathroom doing only god knows what and won't let you in...but what ever she says she's doing shes doing something else... i can tell shes not on the phone because shes not talking... she opens the door three minutes later. and walks out of her office. she seems to light up a little when she sees me - "oh hi." but then walks past me kinda pissed off... I realize that maybe she got a little talking to from doctor K - at my request, since she insisted on calling the Tb test an "implant." phillip K. dick fans - take note. heres a copy of your "minority report." "implant" your now being tracked through a special hiv database...if a cock slips up your ass - an alarm will sound off: warning warning - unprotected anal sex...warning... this warning signal will notify the central offfice computer immedialtely. at which point a mild shock via wireless technology will be administred to your anus... back to ms. morgan i try to hand her the copy of the result and begin to apologize for not coming back fri because i forgot, but she turns away to lock her office door. "i have a meeting right now - you can come back in an hour..." she throws at me kinda flat and harsh. now she has on her "clinic face" so to speak. abrupt, numb and well clinical... "Well," I look down and say, "is there anyway you could just hand me the file now? last thursday you said everything was ready to go..." "No." she repeats. this my punishment i can tell. she locks the door and walks down the hall through another door. I wonder what Ive done wrong in the total of 21 minutes over two weeks that I've been in her office. three visits roughly seven minutes each time: she acted like i was something to be endured. my guess is that she's maxed. burnt out and fried from being in the trenches of social work at the spellman clinic but it's hard for me to believe a woman as beautiful as her could ever be so angry and sad. the spellman clinic is not the happiest place on earth thats for sure... basically it's for homeless vagrants with hiv living in poverty without insurance. most of the pateints are minority uneducated addicts. societies throw aways. ms. morgan, I gather from the twenty minutes I've spent with her, is a white woman in her late thirties. the general aura about her is akin to sandra bullocks character in the film "crash." comes from money or "hubby" has it. highly educated perhaps even over educated. she resembles a J crew-esque model. striking black straight hair. thin tall body. smart outfit of black pants and tight white silk blouse. pale skin and brown eyes. which look vacant far away and hurt... she belongs more at bergdorfs feeling sorry for herself, having lunch alone and flipping through fashion magazines so she can list all the clothes and things she wants to buy to keep her boredom and pain at bay... she is gone - to her meeting. you have to wait or come back - sorry. ok she's brutal. a real ice queeen. i return to the front desk to try to schedule an appoinment to come back and get the file i need. theres two older black women behind the scheduling desk and one black "queen" in his thirties wearing green hospital scrubs. i get the feeling he wants everyone to think hes a doctor because it's kinda of obvious that hes not. his eyes light up and hes very animated using his wrists to point to everything the way that only a true queen can - mind you - and speaking about this and that and telling the other two women how it all is...honey. know what I'am saying??? the other two ladies, both black, one kinda heavy with big hair and gold and rings everywhere, and the other slim with cropped hair - maybe a bit older and more reserved...both in pink clerk like smocks. i stand at the desk which is more like a barrier and rises to about my chest and peruse the long wall of files to the right which takes up the entire wall from ceiling to floor. the number of files are uncountable: all standard uniform 8 1/2 by 11 standard cream colored files. some with green tabs, some with red or blue. some with yellow. each and every one no matter what color or race or ethniticy or sexuality is a person in the city that is positive. i try to get the queens attention but she looks right past me and goes on about something that happened in starbucks last week to the older lady on his left. it's obvious shes used to his rambling commentary and pays it no mind... nodding her head on occassion to placate him... uhmmm. the other heavier woman is standing, rings off, and coating her hands in hand cream. she looks up, "It will be about five minutes." and points to the chairs and points her finger as a command for me to leave her area and sit. i shake my head and sit down. it's around 9:15 at this point and the elevator door around the corner from the front desk is opening bringing the days visitors. one a skinny fast moving black quuen with a small paper bag sits down, then gets up and checks the bathroom door and then sits back down and pulls out a cup of take out coffee (not starbucks) and putting some newspapers on the floor and unzipping his jacket all at the same time. he sips his coffee and looks right to me and begins talking like weve known each other for years. now -- Ive been in nyc more than twenty years and can spot a retired drag queen from a mile away. the guy's gender is male but to a trained queer caberet haunter like myself, he seems to be surrounded by stage lights and a torch song in the back ground. hes got overly long eye lashes and a rounder face than most males. his complexion is a litle greasy but clean and shiny, as if he just washed with noxema. he begins speaking and sipping the coffee and kind of moving about in his chair. "i've been positive for nearly 17 years... you gotta - kinda be your own doctor here. I tested positive in 96 and at that time my t-cells were over a thousand. at that time they were thinking - ya know, if your positive, get on the meds - hit it hard and fast... now theve brought the floor down from over a thousand t-cells to five hundred and then down to 250 where it is now... these days you go on meds around 250 but then - and youd get sick from the meds - i've been dealing with this a long time and you learn things about how your body works. if you think you wanna take the meds every other day and it feels right then thats what you do... "i think of my 37 t-cells...god bless every single one" I nod and widen my eyes. like - "Oh i see." "you know they were giving "ensure" (a protien drink for weight gain) by presricption but then they caught somebody selling it on the street, and then they took it away. i mean i could use that for my weight...thats not right that one person ruined it for everyone....' i nod again. then seee that the heavier pink lady one with the jewlery has disappeared from the front desk and the older one is not occupied with a task other than still kinda listening to the queen who is now talking about what she ate for dinner last night. (spare ribs with rice) on the far right i stand in front of pink lady number two. "Yes baby..." she says. "hey, can i get an appoinment to see ms. morgan in a few days?" "Why don't you just wait till after the meeting?" she asks. "Well i don't wanna wait. i don't know why she has to attack me everytime i see her... i mean if you do something to make her mad well ok..." i realize that i'am kind of acting out a little like everyone else and speaking through the vicaden. I'am whinning and tired and spaced out. i just wanna go. pink lady 2 is looking through the computer files and then pink lady number one returns to the front desk from around the corner and realizes that i side-stepped her instructions. "here ya go - weds at 3:30 - se ya then - she hands me the appoinment card. i introduce myself - "Hi I'am dirk." "hi dirk - I'am marge." "ok marge thanks for helping me." "all right." i hit the elevator. elvis has left the clinic. mantra: >>my vital energies are replenshed in safety. I come home. the apartment is warm. I download some more music off the web. my internet connection has piggy backed onto a wireless connection and the speed increases to about three times as fast... i down load: "i'am on fire" by bruce springsteen and "Is that all there is?" by peggy lee i fall a sleep. I have a dream I'am in a bedroom. it's not a room i've seen before. two windows covered with white shutters near the ceiling. the walls are white. the bed spread and shets are blue. there is a long series of sliding shuttered doors along the left of the bed. I realize that I have an errection and pull my pants off and begin to suck my own dick... suddenly i realize someone is watching me... I wake up... 1pm I take a bowl of shredded wheat for my first meal and a cinnomon bun swathed with butter. I take med course number one - the hard stuff. morgan calls she is checking up on me. asking how I've been. then she goes into a dicussion of stephan deforest. a guy who is sober that we both know. she has had a crush on him for almost a year now even though she's known him for more than ten. she seems to want to sort out the intricacies of their dynamics and the fact that deforest refuses to ask her out even though shes been very forward in wanting to see him. I happen to know that deforest, a straight guy to all appearances, actually on occassion prefers ah... black transvestites to white women... i listen to morgan but I don't say anything "like your wasting your time..." she senses my detatchment and sudenly shes yelling into the phone, "Fine i won't bring it up again. forget i ever mentioned it - ok?" she hangs up. my libido annouces itself. perhaps the dream opened it up again...or turned it on. this is a good sign - maybe. i think i'am gonna go outside. I go to the post office for stamps. I ask for ones with fish. theres no stamps with fish so I go for the "curious george" ones instead. I get a pear-spirilina juice at the juice store. I get some riooboos tea and a box of "emergen c" vitimin and mineral drink. they have five flavors. today i chose lemon lime. the strawberry is awful. the orange is ok and the cranberry so far is the best. in manhattan everybody drinks these things. you can usually find them for 69 cents at any "Bodega" check out counter. I also buy some white sage. the apartment is about due for another clearing. the idea comes to mind. why not get some gay porn?? although blockbuster doesnt rent porn of any kind "the video cafe" in midtown has what time out magazine called - the most formidable gay porn section for rent in manhattan...and its just two blocks away... "Boot Boy" scene one - two studs loungue by a pool. well muscled and hairless. wearing speedos ad grins and a few tats. they spy the pool boy...and ah you know the rest... I spank one off and fall a sleep. 5:35pm i wake up and the front room is flooded with afternoon heat from the windows being open. the sun against the window panes and the closed windows just baked me while a sleep. i wake up from the heat in my body. my immediate thought is: psychics say that all dis-ease shows up in the aura. if you clear it out of the aura - will it clear out of the body? I make a large pot of rooibos tea - three rooibos to one mint tea bag should be a nice mix. I allow the tea to steep and then burn some white sage. the sage comes in a smudge stick. i light it and quickly the apartment fills with smoke. there is movement of all the energies. they do this at catholic services. the preist walks thru the isle dousing the auras of the congregation and then to the front door where supposedly all the "evil" goes outside. all the evil goes "outside." this is another reason to NOT go outside. I check my landline phone messages. message one fom jules: you should go outside...how are you ? call me ? call number two: from cameron: an eastern medicine student that was treating me before the hospital, illegally of course, since he doesn't have his license. more on cam later... his message is: you should go outside... call number three - gwen - a devoted "Jack tv" fan. and fellow co-worker from ricos. i want my "jack tv" she screams into the phone - call me. call number four: morgan. say's shell stop by later... I put on some real pants for the first time in two weeks as opposed to sweat pants and decide to walk two blocks to "daisy mays" ribs and BBq and get some lunch... sweet tea.... lunch is great! i eat most of it and keep the rest for lunch tommorow. I come home and ponder taking a shower for the first time in about five days... because my skin is so sensitive I have only been taking ashower when absolutely necessary... I've got about two more days before my arm pits begin to emmante the man smell... but some guys actually dig that....heheheh i'am feeling better and have begun to hydrate and pay attention to my water intake. todays intake is good and i don't feel so slugish...did you know your brain can actually get dry? and cloud your thinking? meds course number two the easy stuff out of the way... i can feel the life coming back into me. the virus is dying. I'am not dying. must have been the porn... I return some calls - drink some diluted sweet tea. take some vitamins and decided to check out... porn number two: a pre-condom classsic. it's interesting to note the changes over the years in gay porn... for those of you who rather not read the next journal entry: please warned some of the descriptions that floow are graphic. ok ... porn number two - my guess is that it was filmed in the late 70s. scene one after a disclaimer states the nature of pre-condom films is is no way an endorsement of unsafe sex practices... yada-yada-yada... the film opens with a classroom and the teacher explaining the days lesson to the students. the first thing i realize compared to the film i watched this afternoon is the production values have come along way in 20 years... in this second film the lighting alone wouldn't make the cut in todays market... theres shawdows and dark areas on the set which actually dates it conspicuously... i can guess by the clothes of the students half male and half females that the time has to be around the late 70s. the knot size of the teachers tie and the fact the he even wears a tie puts this around 1977. the collars on the shirts are wide and the knots were large windsors that were in vogue. the jeans were also worn ultra tight on the guys and girls alike. today the guys wear baggy pants and the girls go for ultra utra tight... the scene begins without sound panning the classroom and the students. then the bell rings and the class is dismissed. one of the female students lingers after class to ask the teacher something. she is wearing a pink sweater and come on to the teacher but he blows her off. then the sound kicks in... here comes "Johnny" askin for help with his homework. the teacher is putting his things into a breifcase and johnny grabs a magazine that slides from under the teachers papers onto the desk...it seems to be a magazine. johnny opens the magazine and the camera shows there is photos of sex but the gender is not indicated, seems like someones getting a blo-job in the photos but you can't tell if it's supposed to be gay or straight porn.... johnny throws the magazine at the teacher - like - "what the hell is this?" and then johnny grabs the teachers crotch. they go at it on the desk... johmny is the aggressor - actually rimming the teachers butt which is unshaved and the camera angles are very tight on this rimm job which makes it kinda unattractive...up close rimming in todays porn is always done or mostly down on hairless asses and is not the scene dujour... so its telling that back in the 70s they really wanted to show this. the inter course scenes are quick, with many different positions and yes - no condoms. heres another thing about vintage porn. the films were usually five to seven vinettes with different actors and different stroy lines spliced together. today they cast several men and bring them through a story line two to three in a scene at once and then into what is usually a final orgy scene...but all scenes are connected to the same story line... scene two in the second porn is a jail cell blo-job scene and fucking through the bars gaurd giving it to the prisoner...kinda boring...and funny. one minute the actors are dressed, the next they are both without clothes and getting it on. all of the actors in film 2 are really skinny and hairy also compared to the beefy and smooth aesthitc of today's porn. the 70s film is a tad raunchier also - showing a dirty shanchez in scene one - a guy gets fucked and then sucks the cock that was up his ass - theres cum drinking also and tops guys shooting loads and then reinserting the cum covered cock into the bottom's asshole... theres also only two scenes and no trailers of coming attractions which i always found hotter than the actual length porn. the trailers are three minute basics of the next film rpoduction...coming attractions. lets face it porn gets redundant but thats not an apology. I don't spank one off nor even get aroused by porn two... i go back to cable and log onto the i-tunes store to look for some more music downloads... I decide to skip the shower for another day. the bathtub brings back a few bad memories of the day I almost electrocuted myself. i take a "french whore bath", just putting cologne under your arms and call morgan back to see if shes up for a walk. the weather is slightly cool and damp: almost foggy which if the truth be told is my favorite kind of weather epecially for walks at night. it gives the city a more dramatic feel to it seeing the buildings wrapped in mist and the lights through it... I've alaways love that about manhattan.

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Letter to Steve Jones" (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  letter to Jones on the facebook august 30th 2008 have you figured out your double bi-polar - ah dammage in rehab and have you gotten fucked by any drunks hotties - ??????? pray tell....... jones your the one that dis-connected from me with that BS excuse about not getting cell phone reception.... my phone is the same - and if you were not in conecticut youd be going to the nine inch nails concert with unlce kirk in philly this week end.....ha! I love you man - ! in spite of how fuked up u are - call me bitch!!! love kerber   Steve Jones August 29 at 4:41am You love to deflect the hurt and the pain.......for you and the dog this can all be a game. Easy, trite, distanced........never let them see what is really there. Ya....hey Bro. Did we really do that? Let's never really talk about it .....the way we should.....that would mean tat something real happened. And still I long Lust need want   Steve Jones August 29 at 4:53am I go to bed tonite thinking only of you of alll the men that enter take have make twist feel hump suck spit lick smell touch YOU YOU YOU Why can't I stop,,,,, and I think ,,,,,,,and I turn ......and I see .......and I think.........and I yearn .....and I want.... and I miss and I love but what why is you???? the mystic jew with scarry eyes that see too much and wants too much but doesn'tsay a word......just looks and laughs and smokes and postsand goes on and on and on Why Love WHY LoVE LoVE lovE Ilove   Kirktv Avatar August 30 at 10:42am bro -- iam glad to see you surface again.... and well discuss this on the landline -- mystic jew with scary eyes... i think you meant to say the eyes of the sage,,,,,,i was born this way - its in my file - dunno..... you are talking some shit !!! bro bro - the dog is my magic pooch - I was choosen for what no one knows - but iam choosen for something.... a woman at work said that once to me - its obvious - genet and Dean are my confidants....and muktananda....and guru Mayi.... what ever my energy is the transmutor - ala sexual alchemist - stop trying to dissect it and me -- you know this - hahaa quiet smile and laugh... and ps how would you like to walk down the street and know what ev everyone is thinking ?? i really am the child or no one -- not even myself..... kisses from phiily -- ill be home tonight after 11 peace brother........ Temple of Light Source: templeoflight.ning.c... Sanctuary Worlds first Cyber-Temple Meditation and Prayer Bliss, peace, tranquility, stillness.. All beliefs respected... Share   Steve Jones August 30 at 11:15am Peace Out I have to work tomorrow and will be in bed early. I will try this later. Have fun at the concert   Steve Jones August 30 at 11:58pm Thank You for the Temple of Light. Really nice. Fuck you and all the alchemy bullshit......you're a whore.. a cock whore!! That in of itself makes me fucking wild. I love you for that. But past that---- I love you because I know you like a favorite sweater, or a great pair of jeans, or the smell of a favorite gym. You are my past, you know all the stories. I'm not a ghost with you. I LOVE your VOICE. I love to hear you speak talk laugh scream yawn blow smoke & dick. I just want to keep writing. i can't talk. Please keep posting things here. Let me keep getting this out. I want Love   Kirktv Avatar August 31 at 11:25am your prose is quite descriptive and poetic... you seem to have alot of passion around our friendship and history.... may i remind you that even mary was a prostitute.... :) praise jesus.... there is a "chemical" stirring/mix of energies which basically evoke the "Devil" card in the tarot.... nothing is un-related.... all things are connected.... and inter-related.....having said that..... have you read my latest blog entry on Sean's profile called: "Dancing with Androids..." if not -- here it is... dancing with Androids/////////////// t he train to nowhere... spinning dreams for all my lovers tonight -- medicated and numb... the battle field of my body life. long ago... poetry filled my eyes... the breezes were always just right... the night was never cruel.... once...forever ago...stars...and skies life was poetry...filled with nuances that you understood...that formed you -- now on this train to nowhere -- dancing with androids - frozen in a dream... paralyzed by a past that wont forget me -- by the poetry i cant forget or process or understand - the scuffed green walls of the long hallway the blues in a sex club... the red bar i went to everynight... the colors seeped into my mind over and over and over... they were so rich and layered...even the pain was something new then... as if life had given me too much beauty -- but now i was -- time was -- stopped - on this train -- racing into the night... drinking - medicating, forever wanting -- something... sitting there -- in front of the android -- fixed into his gaze... pouring me another glass of sorrows and promises... the android - handsome -- pulled from my dreams... the air never really stale but never fresh... the lights never changed...the sounds muted... my android partner always gazing toward me in the same caring, loving -- drowsy manner...but he didn't feel.... never came toward me to strike me or embrace me - only stared back... and then the drinking and the medication took over -- failed to be an enhancer for all the rest -- now i need the medication to stay alive -- to create me to make me breathe - to make god love me... love me enough to punish me... to make life tradgic enough that it will matter to create a sensational ending to it all... the train of night rolling into a future that always meets the past...and continues on... the android seems to have some warmth but really, never does...but then just his the gaze was enough to continue breathing... and wondering what youve become -- and knowing -- from the ticking -- the ticking away... how it all adds up the solitary thought that: it would probably be better to explode than to burn away... maybe if one person or star could see you burning alive -- if a person could join you -- or know you -- then your life would be returned to poetry... until then youll simply be dying -- dying to the world... no longer an aria -- with a melody - without music not even knowing the consolation of whithering -- no. not even whithering into a beautiful knarled tree to provide something of rest -- the passage of time...or the surface to carve something into... as the body hurries along to death the mind simply remains... all the kind words -- and the movements at night -- the bodies needs and wants... the mind trying to console... the mind forever away - wanting the body but not connecting... always frozen - forever like ice... always beautiful yes - something always beautiful... and never dying.... like the android...always moving and gazing but never dying... like machines - inside - blue lights - flashing... but not thinking -- ever again... and yes...beautiful... machine s on a machine - run by machines... returning to become... the ghost in the machine.... on this train - where love doesnt matter anymore... this is what regret has in store for you... this is what happens when you follow a path filled with wanting... touching the walls and wondering what they look like on the other side... watching your body lay on the cool tile floor... watching them trying to breathe life back into you... a bottle of pills scattered around...the blue bed of life...and you alone and far above....drifitng into the stars... and far above you realize... you are one molecule in the scheme of eternity... but youve found your soul... it really never mattered what the body did or was doing... it was always beautiful... always beautiful... you found your soul....and it was potery.... Blogger: Content Warning Source: marcosalchemy.blogspot.com Blogger is a free blog publishing tool from Google for easily sharing your thoughts with the world. Blogger makes it simple to post text, photos and video onto your personal or team blog. Share   Steve Jones August 31 at 9:02pm Beautiful.....the last two lines are stunning. I mean that. Fuck you for being so patronizing, so egotistical, so glib with my "feelings" and "our friendship". I got sober and with all my heart I was doing all that I felt was right. I then met you-- no no no-- after being stalked, yes stalked.....I was cornered by you and all those shockingly beautiful features. You came at me like a lion going in for a swift kill. But you used those sweet little boy glances--- kick my foot--- hands in my pocket--- aw shucks tactics-----After giving in to your incredible ability to gnaw away at a person's soul; I fell hard. You literally left me paralyzed with joy, elation, excitement beyond description. And like clock work I was shunned.... told to go away ....I was taking too much from you. Sucking at your soul. All I wanted was what I thought I had seen. Was I really that far off. Was it me that was wanting too much. Was I sucking your soul or had you gotten what it was you wanted and couldn't take it. Was it all too much Too glaringly real. If I was "It" then you would have to show up. Be responsible ........and truly care about another...... not bend to those base instincts that run you.....take you off into week long sex binges.....all those things that help numb your pain.... forget the truth ......not care Love is shocking and harsh and common. Loving another becomes a mundane everyday experience in sameness. Not fresh/ not exciting/ not new. Seeing the full spectrum of humanity in another is love. All the bad all the fuckedupness all the need I see that now ....much later in life.... haven been beaten down by my disease ......left with nothing ....stripped of all. Hindsight is so clear I still love you. Love you love all that is fucked up about you all that is twisted and shocking. all the scams, all the veiled truths, all the sweetness and good and caring all the life When I look away to think about you I still feel my soul being lifted up and out Its as if I'm going to explode with pure joy. Fuck You!!!!   Kirktv Avatar September 1 at 12:59am well jones....ah - perhaps history might bear out another version...heres a few... and you cant take anything into account with taking Danny into account... number...one... there was a heavy triangulation effect....on all three parts....nuff said... you also disappeared for like a year....after you lived on 46th street as I recall...... without a sound.....or a goodbye.... just gone.... then showed up again like no time had elapsed.... only this time danny was your sponsor - i think knowing the history you could understand how i wouldnt want a BF that was being sponsored by him at that time.... fair enough....yes weve rehased all of this and the truth is even for me being 24 years sober this august first - thanks for the phone call btw..... that I would have a clearer recollection of some of it all of it or most of it - you - me danny david - peter angel - my frat-bro Greg...and a few dark nights inbetween but I dont -- alot of my life ---- nothing is that linear..... the nights in the sex clubs - with you or without -- the faces of men... you there and then not there.... you helping me with some groceries during one breakdown and a few talks only to come back with -- exact words:"Kerber you owe me!" and I want some cash.... and i gave you the cash....didnt i ? eventhough i think you ended up telling me you picked up on that trip or was well on your way at that point.... my reticense at your reluctance to really work a program pre-rehab.... and all your fair weather tiffany buddies from the upper west side...but when the chips were really down - you called me - to come over and rescue your ass...which I also did - no questions asked.... so you see - no its not all how you remember it either.... your insistance that your version of what happened in the past or on any given scenario was the only valid and true version and your supreme - imperative that I "cop" to it all or validate your version of the stroy you provide on any given story....... things are not that linear nor factual - on anything.... but my intention is not to live in the past inventory - but to acknowledge that ir exists in varied and myriad colors and or details.... give up the fight and whats left - ? a friendship...fuck you and your unrequited love BS scenario.... you worked me over just as many times as I did you and i can own my half.... that whole peter angel thing.... you wanted him to destroy me -- and for years you wanted to destroy me for so many unspoken reasons - some of which ill keep guessing at.... I had no idea that you could be so prosaic in your thoughts - i must say - that is impressive.... what I liked about you - you were always interested in my art....and what I was doing and why -- or writing - i did kinda of dig they way youd just show up - i remember that time in the porn shop where i ended up 12 stepping you on going to caron... i also remember the night we spent together of which i got no sleep at all....because you acted like a fucking psycho all night and then finally left at 6am.... so now your what a year clean - not to mention that i always suspected after a certain point you either were not clean or def not working a program...not a judgement but an observation -- as if to say -- jones just isnt ready to get real or doesnt want to do the work or isnt ready right now ....you always wanted that kind of precise presence from me eventhough you were never there to begin with and only now are comming to..... right ?? steven - its a long convoluted and twisted and historical friendship and brotherhood and love affair all ways and even side ways with you -- part of me does love you and part of me hates you as well...... as ps - it was you that basically told me this last time around oh - I dont reallyy get cell reception up here so - well just have to talk whenever....that was you dissappearing on me.... not the other way around....just to get that clear in your mind.... its up for grabs and no i have no regrets.... i can honestly say that i have no other relationship as complicated - historical intense or what ? as the one i have with you ......... i want you to go to caron fuck head ! if you really wanna know what is feels like to be present -- then go ahead and make my day.... and after that if you really wanna talk then id consider all the words from you as valid and clear - until then i think youve muddlled a few details to bend to what you need to believe about me or you.... love kerbs and ps - what was that fuking incest rape scene all about - that one night ?? that was supposed to make me trust you ?? go ahead - fire back..... K   Kirktv Avatar September 1 at 1:21am ps -- soul --suker - ?? in the beginiing i was trying to get to know you you on the other hand - wanted to be me.... typical actor that you were at that time.... and yeah you did kinda act like a valley girl......... which iam sure freaked me out - ok bro - >>>>>>>>>>> so it goes........... dannys prolly laughing his head off right now looking at both our lives.... whatever...... snappy - like i said iam glad you surfaced again..... dont live in my inventroy without telling me your own issues jones - youve got some.....   Kirktv Avatar September 1 at 1:27am now i just meditated - ok - Iam glad that you have decided to relate to me your version of the details of our early meeting...yes - I will admit back then some of what you say is true - thats how i operated and was accused of that a few times... and i recovered and thats not how iam today.... nor you.... love   Steve Jones September 1 at 1:58am Fucker I just lost a fucking huge response because of that stupid Chatr bullshit Goddamit. and I was taking credit for my behaviour in it. Did by some act of god did you get it?   Kirktv Avatar September 1 at 2:49am no   Steve Jones September 1 at 4:25am Steve Jones September 1 at 11:44pm I'm so tired. I wanted to give you my epic response to your "well jones" response. I lost it originally so i will try to recreate it. I can be a mean asshole. i know that. it is how my family treats the ones they love. If you can take the rage and hate and still stick around that must mean you like (love?) me. I'm not saying that is right but it just is. I'm aware of it and trying to look at how I operate in that and how to circumvent it in the future. I've always loved and respected your art. I treasure all the pieces you have given me over the years. One of the most touching moments in my life was you talking to me about what to do with all your art if something should happen to you. That truly helped me understand that there was something deeper than friendship between us. Just because I have not fully realized my potential does not mean I'm not an artist. I keep that in the closet. they kill fagots in Texas that make art. You coming to see me in the hospital 2 summers ago was also a power moment. I really love you for showing up for that. I disappear on people all the time. It is in my fourth step and all though I haven't put you specifically on my 8th step, I'm going to try to do a 9th step with you. I've always just run out on people that I have had intense (on my side) sexual relationships with. Once it gets to certain points I just don't get what i need and i honestly can't express that to the other person so I just leave.......run away .... not face having to voice my needs and feelings. I didn't get to do that in my home. I had to manipulate my mother for attention by eliciting sympathy. You were too smart for that and I couldn't have you the way i wanted you. I want you to need me desperately and include me in all your sexual ventures and then kiss me goodnight and make me feel safe. That is unrealistic bullshit and I know that. I am still getting clear on what are honest needs and wants and what are delusional. To this day I still jerk off to encounters with YOU and Peter Angel (and one has to always use both names with him) and me and greg and how FUCKED UP all that was. It was way too hot. The mind game thing was way way wayhot back then. The incest rape thing was honest in the moment.....another head trip that was hot and nasty and fun and over the edge........and another way for me to show how completely committed I wanted to be........ with you. I believe that personal perception IS reality. When two souls collide a multifaceted explosion occurs that makes it very difficult to know what is the "true story" what is bullshit and what just is........ Thank you for the addendum after your meditation. Know that I have 16 months clean and am trying to earnestly to be a better sober person....Caren ain't what it use to be just as the meetings on Upper west Side aren't what they use to be. ************************ Time erodes and shifts and moves and molds and changes most everything......except love....that stays eternal.   Kirktv Avatar Today at 2:47am well I suppose that covers many - most of the moments.... comments and the mists that have mixed thru the years... it would have been nice if you could have ah....pulled your head out to come and sit with me a few nights of the nine months I was in bed after being diagnosed.....you lnow that i had to ice my legs every night for the first 2 -- 3 ? months because the fever was in my legs....and it was mind bending and I had no pain killers - I think the doc was afraid Id take them all... so he just skirted the issue and then i got a bag of vicadins which i grew to loathe - actually becuae of the taste it leaves in your mouth,,,, i think you dropped your guard finally that afternoon you called and asked me to help you clear out your aprtment... that was an interesting day -- that I will remember....it was like seeing you for the first time.... you always seened a bit witholding when it came to your family except in the last few years... more and more it made sense and now still more.... do you know where your life will go from here - from there? it seems iam in yet another desert of nothingness.... only this time iam also unmotivated as well to the point of apathy - a new phase - its a nightmare....i had coke signals for three weeks around my aniversary...and placed a 40 something tudor city socialite into a west palm beach rehab....after a few calls of intervention....that kept my interest a few moments but now that shes gone - i feel lost somehow.... gone lost haunted i think its time to break out my pastels again.....dunno why dont you go and get some paints and sketch pens - and see what happens... ?? its good to hear you speak like a human about your feelings and the clarity they can bring... i can say that i love you - even miss your rants or mine around you or at you........ in my kitchen............ the rest is unwritten........ it seems a good start.........

• seanblog by Seanbateman9 "Kundalini notes..." (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  kundalini rising part two by Sean Bateman the time is 225am january 27 06 >>>I swore I gave up my writing - exasperated, in greif and so buried undeniably in my own pity and sex addiction I gently refused the call to sit at my lap top and journal my thoughts and feelings - the last three-maybe four years have been awash in fantasies of ending my life - and what a spectacular death it would be - a terrible pain-soaked cliche checking into the chelsea hotel - a few bottles of booze and pills and the deed would be done -- but i cant and nearly hate myself for it -- why - because i cant imagine allowing someone to find me like that -- it doesnt seem fair - i have considered leaving an envelope of cash with a note - "I'am sorry" please take this five hundred dollars as compensation - please contact the funeral parlar for my cremation.... no---it is not fair to involve or stain someones life like that -- although I hear at the chelsea this would not be uncommon -- sex addiction fantasies - sex addiction nights - internet crusing- opening the door - getting them in - getting them out - numb- more numbness and they deposit their pains - semen - saliva and residue in my bed - my ass - my mouth -- please kill me .... please wrap your hands around my throat and take the life I'am afraid to live -- three years slid by - i can not remember a face - i remember the smells - perhaps the armpits of this one or that one -- a certain movement -- a kevin guy trying to open my asshole - but it would not -- micheal at five in the morning - a speed addict who hadnt sleep in five days -- a has been model whood been washed up since his 20s- a few very hot porn stars- has been porn stars - porn star wanna-bes- meth-addicts - losers - the humiliated and alone - the curious and the high - guys who swallowed a few viagras and had no idea - one or two homeless guys - a frat guy who pulls his cock out on the street (rock hard) and is naked in the kitchen before i even close the door -- we fuck - or maybe we didnt - all of them none of them -- they all become one guy -- one sad lonely - tired- body below or above me -- the frat guy - bryan - i always wished he would have called -- burning -- second degree burns on my left thigh -- tingling - movement -- panic- the source of heat seems far away but attacking - touching parts of my body and burning -- my solar plexus the center and stuck and the energy continues to return until it may rip my chest open simply to move and become unblocked -- I scratch my legs and it feels like ecstasy -I scratch them until they bled - i jump off the bed trying to escape -the pain is so bad I literally try to run away from it -- i beg god - i swear i will end this nightmare - it has been three months since i have acted out my sex addiction - every night around five hours until i pass out huddled in a ball - new scratches - sometimes blood - new burns on my thighs- my stomache -- my right elbow -- then for half a day -- it all vanishes and then returns -- same heat - same rashes - same pain and panic-- same begging - what the fuck is this ?? the back of my knees sweat - the room heats up but then feels cool compared to the back of my neck - Iam hot but do not have a fever - the room feels cold compared to my skin and causes me to shiver- and then burn - my nasal passages dry out and Iam completely de-hydrated-- i drink water water - water and then jump around peeing and burning - always feeling -magical somehow and real and full of demons and light ....... >>>>last night - i fell asleep and an unknown man -- holding a sliver- pitcher above me - he brings it to my lips--- "you are drinking the wine of immortality....drink...." >>>before work - (my bartending job) I burn myself under the shower- - the hot water placed on my back - abdomen and legs brings an excstasy i could not describe -- it seems to call me on certain days -- an emerald green energy lights up the bathroom in some type of ritual -- turning silver and then perhaps white and i know this day will be another burning -- I walk into the water - i rpomise i will not burn my skin today - I turn around so the water hits the back of my neck and then it begins..... an orgasm of sorts without an errection - without any manipulation of my cock - i never touch it - but an orgasm no less - as long as i stand under the shower and scald myself - iam in an eternal bliss -- by intuition i move around to where "it" wants the heat -- my head- then my thighs- lower back etc-- until iam writhing and mumbling- in pain and red hot flesh--"Am i pocessed??" until it knows its conclusion for the day and releases me -- my body white hot -- and i always feel calm and sick afterward --- three years--- how do you tell your friends - your co-workers- your family or your boss - I was chosen - this is an honer - I was chosen to be a shaman --Iam becoming a shaman -- last week i took off work four nights and did nothing but slept -- Iam becoming a shaman -- the kundalini is trying to rise -- I'am going to be something....powerful.....my body is being eated every night by a white snake that sucks the poison from my body -- with searing white heat.......Iam burning out the pus and fear----soon i wont be like you or anyone else- the kundalini is rising -- resist or die -- relax or be destroyed-- let go or be dragged -- >>>Is something trying to get out or is something trying to get in ?? many nights my butthole aches -- aches and itches- and i begin to make strange (perverted?) animla like noises when i try to make tghe itch go away -- but soon I have to finger my ass -- and the entire room lights up in purple -- and white -- the heat around my testicles is furious -- and my thighs are burned literally -- the skin is burned specifically the left -- from this heat -- and yet my skin is soft -- ??? panic and isolation- alienation -- and ffear - freezing and burning - freezing and burning -- my computer has locked several nights-- from the heat in the room -- other nights i throw the window open in 30 degree winter weather -- on one night i thought -- the vessal must be hot -- but also --it can not crack -- if it cracks Iam a goner -- let it heat up but not too high -- a white diamond hovers above me -- for three years -- you can get a glimpse of it ever - rare once in a while -- elegant and graceful -- it can be seen -- my mantras have been -- my body is beautful -- and powerful -- again and again -- how could i tell two of the hottest guys in manhattan -- hey i cant have sex with you right now -- my kundalini is rising ???? Iam in my 14 week of celibacy --and some sexy stud named greg was the last one -- >>>A profound sense of alienation - kundalini rising - dark night of the soul---- I hear faint whispers across the landscape of my fears-- siddhis- bodhi-darma- jivanmukta-- devi-devi---- and still I try to escape --- could this be real??? it is happening -- but am I some gay baby budda budding here and now -- a cross section of witch shaman -- ascetic- taoist something being birthed and unto what purpose -- I thought with the wanning of my breakdown in 95 the light show was over -- and here is part 2 -- in full blosom--- three nights ago i had a dream a pregnant woman is lying next to me on my bed -- i say to her -- yes Iam pregnant also -- >>>freinds that have passed seem to appear and wish to speak with me -- or hang out around me for weeks on end -- a litany of names from my past floats around my feet and then seems to disappear -- i rip farts that would make an embalmer blush -- they fucking stink like you couldnt imagine - they reek of death of some strange smell once again beyond description -- and you thought a spiritual experience was all the about the soft white lights and angels -- kind loving spirits that kiss you goodnight -- guess what - if this happens to you - youd better dig in -- dont bother trying to explain to your doctor - boss - lover or wife-- be prepared to be exhausted for months - or years on end and you cant explain it -- no there is no comfort zone - no on--off button-- no--"I'am not ready right now----" I have a head ache -- it has its own time -space-agenda and schedule and it doesnt particularly care about yours -- its sucking the posion from your soul and body and clearing your mind and spirit -- it has no timetable or even kindness about it -- heat purifies-- and it will burn where it has to -- ive wondred if dis-ease is simply the poison coming out -- and interesting -- cancer treatments involve chemical heat -- chemo - of which by way of empathic connection to my late father - i was privy to -- and the feelings are very -very similair...

• seanblog by SEanbateman9 "Astro" (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  ASTRO..... spirit lover - dark entity posted @ blogger SB9 sexy dreamland... 2-08 my home is an interesting potpourii (sp?) of energies these days. ghosts wafting from my sex addict past --- kiel - with the sub-human animal like humongous dick - floats in and out of my thoughts -- hehehe- ah -- the names roll of of my psyche and around it all day : jules - robert - some guy named robb - madeline - you - molly - davide from italy - francesco from italy -- micheal with the angel tattos who moved to LA who i always think of as "Antione" because we had an affair for 2 years and never knew each others names -- yeah antoine -- or "angel guy" a few weeks ago an old associate filmaker - "trick" - (thats slang for sex bud that you dont really care about) called me -- now hed been calling me for for the last 2 years -- and yes i just figured he was in line to become my next stalker -- since he liked to call me and not leave a message -- but i always knew he called due to caller ID-- once he left a message - about nine months ago saying that he had a strange sexual premonition about me -- (is there any other kind)?? I never returned the call --in fact -- I ignored all of his calls :although on certain nights - walking home alone i would look back and front for his stalking figure- perhaps sensing he was going to attack me by surprise- __What can this guy possibly want -- ?? i would toss around this question in the nether world of post it notes glued to the back of my brain -- the file is labeled-- "probably not important enough to think about" included in this file - of course is jule's weepy "I dont feel good- mantra" >>and one of these days i just might tell her that if you blow coke up your nose all night in the bathroom at the collins bar and then have some freaky S and M - Whoose afraid of virginia woolfe? (sex) drama that yes- of course -- jules my princess - the next day your apt to probably reply -- "I dont feel good...."<<<<<<< but enough of her and her petty pedestrian truamas that probably never even happened anyway - besides ive got my own petty insignificant gay drama - truamas to think about which when you really think about it : are not that important either -- my fears about Jules are of course that she is the mirror to my future and that I too will end up the insane "has been" on the fifth floor of some tenement walk up in nyc with 45 cats-- too many sad poems and tape recordings of roosters that I hear in the mornings but can not prove it -- this might not make sense to you but its based on an actual tenet that anyone who has ever lived in nyc knows or at some time knew from their building --just like the female homeless bag-lady who shouts "fuck off" to the sky and appears to be quite totally insane while pushing her bags around eighth avenue at 2am and then in another breath will begin reciting chaucer's canterberry tales- hitting the iambic pentanmeter perfectly -- then go back to screaming Fuck you -- to some wandering canine passing by and then as if it all made sense -ask you for a cigarette-- In any event - this guy - anthony - who now goes by the name - "astro" which is the name that registers on the caller ID when he calls to leave no message - astro - as he calls himself - now -- called me the other night about three weeks ago and didnt leave a message - again -- -- contact: one evening resolved to not let the oppurtunity pass- astro calls and lights up the radio shack 19.95 plus tax caller ID-- immediately -- quicker than a lightning bolt from the eyes of zues I grab the plastic box and press- "redial last incoming" astro answers--- " is that really you?? I was thinking about you - I was thinking about your big dick -- and how beautiful it is -- I want to worship your big dick -- i'am serious I was to organize a cult around worshipping your cock -- " long pause -- I respond- "ah astro -- why are you calling me ?? (my tone is accusatory and kinda mean and attacking) long pause... "I called you because i think - your in danger..." "danger of what ?" "theres an energy - in your apartment - and I truly think it is bad for you...i think you should consider leaving that space...go somehwere...else...get away from it..." thoughts speed through my past...how many times i sensed or thought that very same thought... the space is haunted. the building is haunted... with coke smoking ghosts of the late 80s past... with the spirit of the guy who was stabbed in front of the building in the 60s..."the capeman" murders... with drug dealers, and pros, with forgotton pain and dreams that no longer belong to anyone...with the hungry and desperate who invaded and permeated and resided here in hell's kitchen....yes it's true: New York city is full of ghosts... "ah -- I don't know what to say...." long pause. back track over the last five years... A road trip to consider leaving nyc...the stops along the way... vegas san francisco LA seattle portland sedona I was seeking some new fresh, mystical kubla-khan, an unspoiled shangrila...a haven or coven of artists - something pure, some place where the people are not so hyped up - jacked up- drugged up, worn out, tired, hungry angry or lonely... i looked high. i looked low. all of the above places. not to mention a sleepy resort town about two hours above san fran, the russian river, all packed with tweakers, freaks, rage and confusion.... just how far do you have to run to get away from civilization without being in the middle of nowwhere? A question: is civilization simply urban and suburban insanity?? so much and yet so little? "ah I also wanted to talk to you about your cock...i think about it all the time - and i think there should be an altar somewhere where people could pray to it or something -- will you send me a picture of it ?" "yes" i respond. I've have driven across country six - maybe seven times... each time trying to find some hidden clues to the place i visited. could i lived here? is there anywhere you can go where addiction and fear and money don't figure into the equation? a place to live. the better - more telling question is - of course -- are you ready to leave manhattan? no. i guess not. the black swirling ghost in my space... "the entity -- ah spirit in your space is in love with you -- wants you to go to the "other side..." wants to hang out with you... astro continues... "so this is why you have been calling me ?" "yes. i had to give you that message..." his remarks and message are not totally random. in fact, they confirmed what i had been thinking for many years but could never form into a clear thought... astro was right on the money. this explains the strange comfort and panic that seems to permeate the walls here in this hells kitchen studio... it explains the two near death experiences i've had here...wanting to stay -- wanting to go... wanting to run. wanting to "get away..." i've pondered this many times...in fact if the truth must be told: i even know it's name: the spirit. his name is rusty... i know he is around because the room gets like a cold spot near the corners, or sometimes a hot spot and the entire room becomes so hot i have to sleep with the windows open... "rusty" has made it pretty clear on several occasions hed do anything for me...thinks i'am funny and cool...and gets his entertainment from hanging around...my space... watching me have sex. eating. crying alone. watches me when i sleep...wondering hat it would be like for us to be together on the same side... yeah -- it's rusty...i know this. rusty is not to be confused with my other - type "spirit lover" who ive gone to great lentghs to be with -- and always recognize in the eyes of the living... i alays know when this other lover slips quietly into the body of one of my sex partners...the energy is always the same: kind - familair - loving and warm... i imagine he and rusty have things to talk about on the other side but i'am not privy to this cinversations but do actually sense the battle bewteen them both... one lover protects me - the other wants me to die so we can be together....it's confusing and as if i don't have enough things to worry about in the material world --- an entire soap opera of rommace and tug of war is occuring in the spirit realm for my affections.... give me a vailum.... "ah ok i'll think about it..." i knew after that phone call, astro would disappear. he has. I don't have the answer to my haunting... i'am ready to move as soon as i can find a place where i think i can live... i dunno... universe...any suggestions?

• seanblog by seanbateman9 "Abbot Westend calls..." (4/26/09) [View | Hide]

  DRAFT 6/4 >>>>>in ur gay dreams -- 5/22/o6 >>>abbot westend calls. he asks me to come up to cape cod to his condo in province town. i say "yes." I make arrangements to take the train to boston and then the two hour boat ride to p-town... a rush of memories come back... where do i begin to tell you about abe??? abbot never stays in one place very long. unlimited lines of credit, too much cash and his need for a constant sense of movement dictates that he jump around from resort to resort, dropping wads of cash and taking along his friends most of the time...always moving always looking for something... i never know where to find him. abbot usually calls me once a year to ask me up to his condo share for the summer when his usual bevy of boys runs thin...or he needs a sane, sober voice around to pull him back to reality... he calls when he needs someone to nurse him back to health and cook for him. >>>>>>>>abbot marcus westend (westend financial) the third... harvard business school / yale law school. perfect hair. perfect eyes. perfect body. perfect dick...perfectly lonely. i was in cape cod no longer than four days when he announced that we were leaving for fort lauderdale. all exspences paid...hed taken care of the plane tickets and all i had to do was pack and get on the plane... somewhere bewtween the layover in charlotte: which was 45 minutes or just enough time to grab two quick smokes in the terminal bar and a cranbery-seltzer and watch the yankees cream the red sox on ESPN. or maybe - it was watching abe enquire and the terminal counter whether the two of us could change the seating assignments and sit toghether... examining the suave, relaxed and confidant way he approached the flight attendant and waited for an answer or the smooth words that formed from his lips: "thats fine..." that i warmed to him again and yes fell in love all over with the poor little rich boy from conneticut... you could see the look on people's face when abbot aprroached them as if they'd just been smitten or bitten by his spell... intoxicated by his manners and powerful grace... he reeked of money, privelgedge and class... his crisp blue eyes and boyish prep school hair cut let you know he's used to getting what he desires... at times cocksure and then at others a pain would show in his eyes that said - "I'am just like you..." abe's desire to flirt and seduce everyone that came along his path was pathalogical. he needed a constant influx of love coming his way and he needed to know that he could return that love likewise in the form of gifts, attention or time spent together... although he was madly in love with mathers bradley - (his current infatuation) who he'd take a fist in the eye from and then return to him to receieve more of his (alcoholic) wrath or his mind blowing messages or another ride on his throbbing perfect cock -- or even a combination of all three - abe would do all this to court love to his favor and -as usual he was coming up short. abbot carries around some vague illusive goal of giving himself over to the one perfect mix of rommance, soulmate and partner. through the years abe had trotted the globe looking for the one guy he could stay with and partner with... it was somewhere in the airport when our eyes met again as if to greet one another for the first time in years: when he lifted the plastic white spoon from his lips - re-dipped it back into the styrofoam cup full of vanilla and chocolate ice cream that hed bought while i was in the bar and then pushed it gently toward my own lips without a word...nodding: "this bites for you dirk..." he grins... the crowd of holiday travelers surrounding us hardly took notice of the coy gesture of flirting bewteen our bodies... abes movements, the way his slid the creamy melting treat into my mouth - held me close with his eyes and then winked - all seemed so natural that even if someone had been paying attention they simply would have seen two close friends or guys in love... an obvious pair of buddies or lovers: a closeness that belied old friends after years of unanswered questions and still a mystery of warmth...and tenderness. abe smiled dipped the spoon straight up into the ice cream and then moved forward to re-board the plane...quickly pulling away as if in another second wed break into a long rommantic kiss... his lips close to mine. our eyes locked, he came into my heart and then turned away...assured that i could still love him: that the fires inside still burned for him...he was satisfied and ready to move once more. having re-inserting the heart strings again successfully and re-kindled the old flame between us he pulled out his boarding pass and looked back toward me to make sure i was behind him... "ready?" he nodded his head...but didn't meet my gaze...just noted the return nod of my chin. my face a little flushed as if daddy was in control of everything...i relaxed and moved in behind him wanting to take his hand... before he moved into the line proper, i took the oppurtunity to respond to our rolling continuing dialougue that began so manyy years ago but never seemed to form into a conclusion feelings... at some very odd times through the 15 years of knowing each other abe never missed the chance to remind me: "ya know i'll always be in love with you..." which he re-iterated yesterday in p-town after announcing-confessing that he got fucked twice by brad mathers an hour ago - that we were going to leave the cape and travel to his condo in florida and that he'd take care of everything... "ya know...it was so many years ago...but you were the first..." his eyes tilt reflectively. i grin at this tete-a-tete... "it was you dirk...." and you know it... it was here standing in line to re-board that i whsipered over his shoulder toward him - just loud enough for the other passengers to hear... "you know abe...I've always been in love you..." he grins. >>>>>abe is the yang to my yin. and likewise I'am the yin to feed his yang. you always put a guy like me with a guy like abe. abe: forever trying to escape the superficialities of the material world; almost locked inside of it and always asking..."is there more??" he wants to transced. likewise i'am the dark mystical. the amorphous, mercurial shade of things unseen. forever trying to understand the material world and it's odd necessities. focused on how it all feels rather than how it looks... i'am looking to ground to an earth inside of myself. abe understand how things work "outside." i'am familair with the internal landscapes of feeling and spirit. two halves seeking a whole static balance... abe's orientation is about winning and competing and being active. my orientation is about experiencing, being, and waiting... abe is the day... I'am the night... his life chant is: "get all your ducks in a row..." mine is: "hell's bells..." you get the idea. >>>>>>>>>>five days ago -- I got the call from abbot. "please come up here..." "abe - i just got out of the hospital..." well...do you think you can get on the train?" abe snaps off the latest hiv news from his travels in florida, boston and province town... "soon there'll be only one pill. you can buy HGH human growth hormone on the black market in miami...brads on it - beefed him right up again... down in puerto vahartta, its a different story...welcome to the club, by the way....you sure took your sweet time..." "it's time for your annual p-town trip and the house this year is nice. not that "lesbian shack" we had last year..." >>>the one with the moldy basement and dried flowers in clay pots: not to mention the collection of lighthouse statues from around the world...>>> "oh - right - i agree - yeah that place was a trip..." although i did get fucked real nice in that basement in the early AM two years ago...i also got a nasal infection from the mold... summer 1992 - it was my first night in p-town. abe brings me to the house. then gets ready to go out. the bars close at 2am. it's a big rush to get to "last call." i was trying to gauge the streets and my bearings so i could find my way back later that night. p--town is not on a grid system, mind you. it sprawls out around a bay. the lesbian house was four streets back and to the left off the main drag of "commercial street." if you didn't know where you were going it would take a few days to learn the route back... my first trek out into town was around midnight. on a bike: no street signs. no markers to recognize. abe spouts off -- while riding his bike about a block ahead of me : "oh it's real simple...you just turn here - go up to this block - make a left blah, blah, blah...ok i'am late - gotta meet blah, blah, blah...." he hands me a viagra and scoots off into the dark on his bike. "have fun." >>>well. that night i was wearing crimson red abercrombie swim trunks. nylon. they show every line and bulge... cuts your ass real nice and gives you the heavy, weighty look that your carrying a well hung piece inside there...just waiting to come out and play... i was also wearing a plain white t-shirt and some sandals. >>>>> the first time you take viagra you probably shouldn't do it at one am in an all gay resort town when the bars close at two am. the gay road less traveled. lead me to a parking lot off the main drag, near "spiritus pizza." for those of you who have never had the pleasure of getting "a share" for the summer in p-town: heres the low-down: theres three gay bars. about a hundred drag queens line the five blocks of the main street of a tiny fishing villiage... back in the day...it was a writers colony and refuge for painters and other assorted artists...they started inviting their friends, no one else would go there, and as the story goes, they told two friends and so on and so on...and by the 70s p-town was known all over the world as the gayest resort town in the world... and still no one else would travel there...however loads of tour busses of hetero tourists would inevitably descend upon p-town in the late ninities visrtually destorying the towns identity and homogenizing everything into a string of t-shirts shops with sarcastic yet nebulous logos. the eighties were the hey-day. all hot fags and no tourists: beefed up muscled daddies cavorted openly with their twinks, the bears, the lesbians, the leather crowd, the families: the gay ones, all claimed a calender week to celebrate their particulair niche in the queer community. although i've never heard of "drag queen" week probably because every week is drag quen week in p-town... and what a sight it was the first time i went there invited by abe to his house of gay characters during the reign of gay terror.... the fourth of july weekend... the stories from that time 1992 perhaps will have to wait for now... it was quite a dichotomy seeing a lonely quiet fishing town with no corporate outlets mind you: just small curio shops, antiques and queer card shops. lobster pots a boil. fried shrimps and ice creams on the peir and in the east end - around fifty to 75 art galleries each showcasing a particulair artist... type of art or handicraft. the gallery openings alone could keep you busy for months. there are several three star restaurants. a large population of year round residents dominated by the boston boys A-list of abercrombie stock-broker models with perfect pecs, those boston pecs-- alot of porn stars, comics and well some more drag queens... mix it all up and youve got p-town in june... the streets are really quiet at night. its not a big party town--run through the streets kind of place like key west. its more low key. you get wickedly wasted in the bars. take most of your drugs before or after in your guest house or bedroom of your share for the summer... when you leave the bar - be cool and reserved....and then head for "spiritus pizza" the only establishment that stays open until 4am. heres the place to pose and cruise and act out - a little...but not over the top...because your in public its enough that your queer and holding holds and kissing or showing afffection and not hiding who you are.... to be loud and obnoxious at 2am would be to break some strange code that the boston guys set up along time ago... go to spiritus pizza - get two slices - stand in line- which snakes out the door, by the time you get served you will have seen all the hotties and can take your pick... guys pair off and the crowd thins. theres always a few older guys haging around talking about this or that...off to the right or left.... well... >>>>>>>yeah it was around 2:30 am or so when the viagra hit my man region and made itself known. i felt a hammering in my butt. like a pounding vise grip tightning. i truly did not think i could get an errection without atleast seeing somebody. seeing a hard cock. maybe stroking my cock a little... yeah i was a virgin and my cherry was popped...that night. it went like this... i'am feeling good. got a few slices. cruising the guys and chatting. guys are checking out my basket... i see abe directing traffic. camping a little and laughing out loud and since hes on the A-list he can do whatever he pleases... he spies me and waves me over to the crew he's collecting then he gives the chesire cat grin - "you take that viagra??" "yeah my ass aches man -- but so far i haven't popped a rod... hang on a sec i have to go take a piss..." i spy the empty parking lot and causually walk over there. i pull my dick out and the breeze hits it. that was all it took... A cool 80 something breeze kissed my balls and cooled the heat in my shorts...it felt so fucking good and the fact that i had to take a wicked-ass piss. the relief. ahhhh... I started getting hard and then began pissing right through my boner - mr. johnson standing straight up wanting to say hello to P-town... a piss hard-on. piss. ahhhhhh: and to what my wondering eyes would appear?? a guy that looks like he could work in a gas station...he spies my cock. sees me peeing. catches a whiff of my balls and ooozing pre-cum funk in my shorts. he sees the piss fly into the air between two cars and then hes right behind me - looking over my shoulder. i don't flinch. he reaches around and grabs my shaft as i piss. breathes down my neck. i exhale and relax. thats his sign. i won't run away and hes invited to do whatever wants. and he does. "it's a nice one buddy..." he whsipers asking permission and i nod... he grabs my cock and then in one motion walks around and bends to his kness and sucks the head... the breeze seems to agree that this is a good thing and tickles my asshole and underneath my balls. gas station boy sure knows how to suck cock...p-town is awesome... then gas station dude turns away and walks down to the beach, looking over his shoulder. i follow. sielntly and slowly: watching to see where he's going. he goes under a pier and waits. i follow. he drops his pants and bends over and waits. i mount him easily. he's obviously been fucked once or twice tonight. his hole is lubed - ready and willing. i press my hands onto the small of his back and tip toe to get a beter thrust... hes bigger and taller so we switch position according to the slope of the beach. now he opens his ass cheeks for a more wide open deep thrust. it's perfect. he sways and groans and then jacks his own cock. he has an attitude of service. hes great. he stinks. it's fucking hot. hes hot. my dick's so hard it hits me in the forhead. the blood pumping. all my muscles hard, throbbing and pouring life into this guy... the spout was open, ready to gush...and boy it sure did: clean and clear, no short squirts - it's one long stream. a long stream and thrust that pumps his ass full of my cream... he rides into the jizz and pushes back snaking his hole around my shaft tighter... wow. theres a pause. "really nice - man" "i'll see ya later." "yeah thanks - that was cool..." >>>>my cock stays hard - fuck - now what??? i leave the peir area and walk back up to commercial street. the crowd at spiritus has thinned considerably. there are sporadic passersby - roaming and looking. two buds on a bench talking quietly. it seems the sexual tension on the street has broken. or, has it simply moved?? walking through the tiny town: the crowd dispersed. my presence on the street becomes obvious and so does the raging boner in my shorts... guys ride by on the bikes and then slow their speed for a minute. a slow cruise my way...then they see the boner and smile...i turn away. my fucking balls have to have some downtime to re-fill...or ah - maybe not... "so - whats gong on tonight?" i hear behind me. i turn away from the clothing store window and see a guy sitting on a bike and then notice him pinching the head of his dick through his shorts. when he gets a full view of my hot red abercrombie package he extends a hand to touch it... i relax into his hand. it feels nice. we sum each other up by a long stare... does he wanna fuck me? does he wanna get fucked. get sucked. suck it. see it. pull it out on the street? "pull it out man..." he nods. he looks around and then bends over still on his bike, and puts it in his mouth... then lifts himself up and looks into my eyes. inhales deeply. then blows out his breath and licks his lips... nods a "yes" that he likes it and kneels over again for another taste... i grab his shorts: inside i can feel his heat: hard and throbbing. he moans while sucking my cock again and pushes his pelvis toawrd me. i unzip his shorts and a big one pops out. the guy is about six foot. late twenties. a jock-type. brown hair. brown eyes. a real white boy. handsome. a spy his sexy happy trail as i lift up his shirt... then he releases his mouth and stands up. winks and say's "i gotta go..." he rides away into the night quickly... the gently waft of his crotch still hanging around and i think how great it would have been to get his dick up my ass... now frustration sets in...and confusion. the blood is swishing around my head so fast my chest aches. pulse. pulse. pulse. throb. the area behind my balls grips and tightens further. i try to breath. i can't think. maybe it's time to go home...back to the house... the more things change: the more they stay the same... frt lauderdale - palm aire country club 8:30am hazy-grey, overcast high 80s - humidity 90% itch - low heat - moderate 5/26 levitra schuffle... >>>abe and i have settled into a routine... we sleep. hang out. eat and sleep. abe's condo is in the south complex on the ninth floor. the highest floor of course. the kitchen is new: beige marble and ultra-stainless everything. black plates and appliances. rocks glasses and collins galsses all in a row. there are two glass tables gracing the main room with metal sculptured bases. plasma screen tv. DVD. cable and WIFI throughout. a 4 ft X 5 ft black and white art print of the empire state building rests along one wall. a psuedo ming vase holds a fresh bouquet of flowers. abe called his florist before we got there obviously. the sofa: beige, matches the carpet with black checkerboards: resting on the cream colored hand cut marble throughout the main room. the bedrooms are carpeted. the master bedroom is done in darker greens with a low base bed frame and a rich black duvet. the guest room, my room, has a four poster bed with nuetral bedding and 600 count white sheets. accented by soothing, fresly painted creame walls. there is one piece of art hanging in the guest room at the foot of the bed: a tasteful, peaceful painting of a tree... both bathrooms are marble. abe's is black. mine is beige. both showers have upscale showerheads and baskets of clean-scented soaps... the entire aura is reminiscent of a well apponited hotel suite in south beach...a well though-out mix of modern and classical styles... the space ends with a wide-open solarium... i sit on the solarium/atruim that provides an open view of the golf course. abe designates this as the "smoking area" since he does not smoke. this is an act of tolerance on his part: that he is willing to give up the sun porch for the week...there is a full length glass slider that gives a feeling of privacy and funnels the smoke out the windows instead of into the main space. fair enough. the smoking area is like a small nook - perfect for meditation. it has fourteen small turn crank windows that open all seven at a time.... i snap off a picture of the two rows of them. i meditiate and smoke. listen to "ohmm naya shivaya" chants which roughly tranlates to: "may god's will be done" i contemplate the day... abe has begun to stir in his bedroom: i can tell... i hear him schuffling around so i send him an e-mail. power-beamed to his lap-top via the wifi in the condo... "didn't sleep at all...under the lash of the "levitra" from last night...here's an attatchment pic - a nudie shot from naked fratmen.com. i'm hungry." >>>> reply "i'll take a shower and well get something to eat...see ya in a few." i ponder what ive learned so far on this trip. suburban angst is everywhere... the tenets here seem to have all the trappings of the "american dream" upper middle class. plenty of liesure time and money. basking in the security and protection of a "members only" country club flanked by gaurds and gates...but they seem miserable, broken down and sad... perhaps thats just retirement... once again its drilled home - true happiness comes from within... take the old bag in shoe box/condo 911, down the hall... while lookin for the stairwell to the pool, i walked toward her end of the outdoor hallway and then to the end thinking it would reveal a door to the stairs... it was 2pm. not an hour that would normally cause a panic if someone walked past your door... her door flings open: "GOT A PROBLEM???" she bellows... the accent straight out of a Brooklyn delicatessan. as if she's caught me ??? doing what i don't know... she startles me but it's no real surprise when i see her high strung eyes. dyed red hair, late sixties do, wearing a "minniie pearl" special that looks more like a red restaurant table cloth than the slavation army house dress she saunters around in during the afternoons stalking passersby... "ah -- no problem here - the names dirk..." i hold up the door keys hoping to appease the angry troll i've aroused by disturbing her domicile... but this doesn't seem to satisfy her...her shoulders hunch and eyes tighten. caught in her trap of sorts, i scan her rack which obviously has no visible tan lines and she seems to like that.... "well," she digresses..."ok." she obviously hasn't troweled on her face yet and seems to realize this now that i've appealed to her "womanly wiles.." "wow" - i think to myself..."she must have been such a "babe" back in 1958..." a hot babe for sure... i have no doubt that theres a picture of her and the prom king somehwere close to her vanity table... "well...you have a good day now - miss..." i offer and then smile kinda like christian slater in "heather's" her claws rescind. door slams closed. she retreats back to her soap operas