about

antonionioni

TOTALLY UNVERIFIABLE LOSERS!

toymaker, avid collector of vintage mono-tube recording devices & vintage synthesizers, poet, and creator of frightening animated GIF files.



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i require alot of time and patience

i require alot of time and patience - LiveJournal.com

• 23 going on 6847 (9/7/09) [View | Hide]

  i feel deathly lately, lying in bed, doing nothing, absolutely nothing, there is nothing to do. a friend i hadn't seen came over, it was very awkward, i got alot of homoerotic vibes from him, and i felt that he wanted to have sex, he didn't, he was too affectionate, and i don't know how to quantify affection like that, it made me somewhat upset, that i misinterpret people's emotions so badly. or that i've lost so many friendships due to some weird semiotic misinterpretation of thoughts, emotions, feelings, ideas, etc. this is why i don't have friends, i'm assuming. all i've been doing is lying in bed making music, going to school, i quit a job that i had over the summer, i haven't written in this in a while, but i think that it's probably good that i do, as lately i've been feeling suicidal. and i need some sort of outlet for these emotions. this is crazy sounding, eventually i'll regret having written it, but for right now it's good.

• (10/28/08) [View | Hide]

  OUR haunted gingerbread haus was beyond amazing amazing. it was seriously the party of the uber-century. so many people came it was completely unexpected the house was about to cave in on itself i was GOING to take a ton of photos of the haus, alone but this is how the day went 1. i got up planning to decorate the entire house, which i procrastinated, until the day of the party, on. (although my haus-mates decorated all the hallways and the exterior of the haus for me) 2. i sat around in bed getting stoned until 5 3. at 6 i went out and got some beer, also i went to lucky's foodland and bought about $30 of garbage bags 5. at 7:30 i chugged half a bottle of chardonnay, snorted a line of coke, took half an adderall, smoked the biggest blunt in the world. ran outside got a ladder and decorated the entire house with torn up garbage bags 6. at 9:30 i got dressed in a floor length sequin gown, smeared blue eyeshadow all over my face. and set up the p.a 7. around 12 is when i start forgetting things. 8. 2PM the next day is when i woke up either way there are many many photos of which these are some:

• THE HYPERMODERN QUEER (10/24/08) [View | Hide]

  i often think about the role of queers in contemporary culture and i often think of what it takes to be considered progressive in the culture we currently live in. there is a postmodern queer and a hyper modern queer, we have entered the new phase of what it means to be homosexual. ALL MUSIC AFTER 1987 IS EXPERIMENTAL i wonder if it can be considered experimental in any respect? i often look at alot of early forms of dance music as extensions of minimalism, in the respect that it took much from the repetitive modes of music making as instituted by more modernly traditional experimental acts like throbbing gristle (who were in turn inspired by an even more traditional experimental project in figures like terry riley, la monte young, philip glass? you know? genesis still maintains that he invented house music with psychic tv. i wonder? there is a difference between modern and hyper-modern definitions of the avant-garde.

• (10/21/08) [View | Hide]

  even though the world is collapsing and going insane and the economy has been washed down the drain, only apparently to be washed down the drain even more, soon soon. and even though i'm pretty sure that there's some sort of spiritual amerikkka paradigm shift happening, that will probably see obama in the white house and gay folks like myself getting married in mississippi, and i should be totally happy in the midst of this chaos and craziness where people like me usually thrive, i think im entering into some insane marquez-like solitude where i dont want to leave my bedroom or talk to anyone ever, and not do anything but play on the keyboard all day long and listen to terry riley all day long, it's so fucked up. i cant eat anything but macaroni and cheese and chicken noodle soup, i dont wear anything but the same wool pants, and sweaters, is this fall? its the same wool pants, the same black shoes, the same smiths t-shirt and the same black velvet blazer or brown velour sweater. its the fall isnt it? i think it might be.

• (9/30/08) [View | Hide]

  nothing much has been happening in this boring ridiculous town. i've began making music again, which i hadn't done in a long time. i'm very happy with the tracks i've recorded so far. very good. this morning i decided to skip my painting class, which i hadn't done yet. so i am going to work on paintings in the privacy of the apartment. and perhaps come in late. then i go to video class. last night i helped shoot a collaboration video for my video class, our group had to re-shoot frame-by-frame a scene from the shining, i dont think i'll put my name on it. as it's the dumbest thing i've ever seen on videotape, and other than the B we'll probably get on it, i dont want to have anything to do with it. a friend of mine has been wanting to collaborate on music, or something like that. but i'm pretty weary of doing that, especially when on many occasions i've taken time out to listen to music that he's recorded, and then last night, when i tell him that i have a track i just finished recording and that he should listen to it, he disappears into the night, and forgets. so i guess that's a pretty good indicator that i probably shouldn't collaborate with anyone on anything, until i graduate from this school and get out of here. it's very easy to become tired of people, in general. other than that, i've been reading alot of ted hughes, his 'crow' book. which is amazing, i've never read something that sounds so archaic and beautiful. i must work harder on alienating people, as my previous endeavors have not been successful enough. i also wish that everyone i knew lived their work. which no one that i know does, so that's a sad fact. etc.

• (9/25/08) [View | Hide]

  tonight i have to go printing in bloch. i dont know. ugh. i wish i didn't have to. all i want to do is lie around and read robert lowell and listen to nick drake. and finish getting over being sick. i'm almost there. thankfully. this week has been a delight. autumn is my favorite season ever. i'm so happy that it's here.

• (9/19/08) [View | Hide]

  mainly i'm disgusted, because i thought that my life could finally go on being normal without this person. instead they come back to bother me more, like a hungry mesquito who just wants more from me. it's funny how i can give so much to someone, give someone so many influences, and watch them wither away into a miserable pile of self-loathing and hatred in front of my own eyes in less than a year. why can't anyone be strong anymore? or atleast know when they're unwanted by anyone. i dont know why people manage to become infatuated with me in this way, and this is the type of infatuation and obsessive clawing that i've had before from people. i usually try to deaden their presence in my life, but never have i been followed from the grave like i'm being followed now. i refuse to be responsible for someone else's failures, which is pretty obvious. and i hate to be followed from beyond the friendship grave. and although it feels like it should be the opposite, i actually don't believe in ghosts. really i was prepared to leave my relationship without another word from eachother, the best way to end any relationship. i don't do divorce proceedings, ever. and i didn't suspect that this would result in one. but i guess it has. even though it's a very lopsided divorce proceeding, maybe i should have signed a prenuptial agreement. in all simplicity this particular relationship ended due to disillusionment, a severe kind. one wherein i thought someone was a good person to know, interesting, creative, happy to be around. and where i realized that they were not only none of those things, but the polar opposite of those things, and very cloying to boot. very self-deprecating, and not in a charming way, too passive, in a way wherein i felt expected to compensate, too closely associated with me (i am not myself... &anotherperson) and other things which began to grate my nerves. leaving well enough alone is the best thing to do in this situation.

• (9/14/08) [View | Hide]

  ben is a so-called jesus freak in my printing class and in my art history class. this guy weight lifts and does all sorts of insane neo-nazi type exercises. he also walks around with a crew cut, suspenders, weird jesus-oriented t-shirts, exquisitely worn and detailed jeans and suede slippers. he sometimes wears very obviously intricately colored plaid shirts. and wire frame glasses. he listens to dance mixes, like gay trance remixes of cher and donna summers, used to be a hippy heavily into psychedelic drugs, but now he's a christian, who prays over his printing plate. who also gives me the eye heavily and asks me ridiculous questions just to hear my voice or something. i dont know what to do, because i find myself undeniably attracted to this oddity of a closeted queer or witnessing jehova's witness? what the fuck is this? my sexuality only goes as far as cuddling ever since i found plato. hopefully i can seduce him into the most frustrating relationship ever. but i dont know. i think i've managed to isolate him pretty well my ignoring him completely whenever he attempts to make me laugh or interest me in conversation. but i cater to the fringes of his aesthetic (moreso whatever of my aesthetic overlaps with what his aesthetic would find acceptable) by wearing ponyboy curtis jeans and quiffing my hair to class. the other day he used the biggest dyke in school as a conduit to inform me that he loved my shirt and wanted to steal it from me, what the fuck does that mean? am i getting more and obvious signals from this person or what? or am i being secretly spied on by a weirdly subversive christian right? i'm going to send him a mixed tape and see what he does, if he mentions it in class to anyone or something. that's what i'll do. other than that life has been pretty boring. other than emily probably moving out at the end of the month. we dont speak anymore. i dont think we can live with eachother and remain friends, which is a fact. we threw a massive party the other night and had loads and loads of fun fun fun, so much fun, we danced forever, and it all ended at the best time. just enough for me to be able to get up and spy on whatever ben was doing in printing class that day. i watched harmony korine's mister lonely today and my faith in everything has been beautifully reaffirmed, only to be worn a little thin by the suicide of david foster wallace, thanks david for fucking up my day, wherever you are now. the only bad thing i can think of in accordance with making ben a mixed tape is that i'm going to have to blast totally different music over my headphones, in class, for quite a while now. which sucks. because i listen to good music, and i want to be able to listen to it during class, whatever though, i guess it's just an hour long.

• (9/14/08) [View | Hide]

  dfw pissed me off, so much good thinking amounts to so little. it would have been nice if dfw would have been some sort of amazing terrorist or something. instead he just suicided himself. what a good for nothing death. when there are so many people dying everywhere. seeing a television screen is like seeing the visage of death every day. he better have been secretly diagnosed with some severe depression, i'm talking like 22 grams of pot a day or something, because this was uncalled for. take that, apparent soul of dfw!

• (9/7/08) [View | Hide]

  last night was the birthday party for some girl that i know, and i didn't go, because i didn't feel like looking at rooms full of drunk and sweaty boring people, although i am 80% the same. i didnt' feel like going out last night, as i dont feel like going out any night really. i was going to go with my roommate emily, to this party. but then she ended up going without me, instead she went with charlie. so i got a little pissed. because i wanted to shoot footage at the party. and that's when i decided not to go at all. friends who need meetings. ugh. i dont like all the fucked up relationships around me. i have basically two friends, but it seems like there are many more relationships in there which come dangerously close to encroaching upon my life, and it shouldn't be like that. i'm glad that i don't know many more people than i do. and i don't care to. instead i sat in my room and listened to santo and johnny while imagining what kind of relationship i could have with this weirdo pseudo straight guy in my print class, who keeps looking at me and saying 'hi' to me. i get weirded out by this. no guy says 'hi' to another guy, out of the blue, this guy is a queer, and not only that, but a bold queen who wants to get into my pants. today feels like fall. i rolled over in bed this morning and could feel the sun on my face, and it didn't feel hot, or sweaty, or nasty. it felt so good. the breeze coming through my window. the fall is officially here, and it feels fantastic.

• (9/6/08) [View | Hide]

  people who are sober, are so funny.

• (9/6/08) [View | Hide]

  so school has been terrific, i've been editing and creating a film that's been long in the making. all the footage has been shot, and now i'm editing almost every night on imovie or finalcut. i cant believe how naturally editing and creating films, has come to me. it's sort of spooky how it worked. i just sat down, my teacher taught me everything i needed to know to control these programs and i was off like nobodies business. the film is already shaping into something that i'm super ridiculously proud of, which is saying alot, because it takes alot for me to be genuinely proud of something. to such an extent that i can talk about it in a public forum like this. anyway, i'm almost too excited about it. im going to upload the thing to youtube and then hi definition to different torrent sights, and such. or maybe just onto my own website. which i've yet to get around to making. i'm already starting on another film, actually. im so ecstatic about this film. i cant stress how much making it is changing me. because i feel like i have a totally new way to convey visual ideas. so many of my other forms of output feel so useless to me now, but this is something new, i love it so much.. it feels like i've immediately mastered something unlike anything i havent yet tried before, and now i have the means to produce so many things i've been wanting to make for so long.

• STORYBOARD for a short film (9/1/08) [View | Hide]

  these still shots of trees, the camera has no movement instilling an atmosphere of gloom and/or melancholia the camera trails through trees, we come upon a singular house, a stoic gray house, in an old style, maybe king house from an angle where we wont recognize it, the camera is always very still without any motion whatsoever to approach the door of the house, it appears singularly in a still shot of it's own a shot to reveal the door opening is nonexistent, instead we're immediately transported onto the other side of the door (mainly because i'm going to be using a different setting from what i will probably find in the house i want to use, also to create disjunction) the stairway is plain, too plain for normalcy infact, the camera slowly ascends the staircase, the colors of the picture change accordingly to create a more fragmented atmosphere, perhaps a montage of colors representative of memories and time shot of the top of the staircase, the final frontier we come to a plain hallway, at the end are doors, the shot is still, camera on a tripod we enter one door, there may or may not be a shot of the door opening we enter another door, again there may or may not be a shot of the door opening the camera zooms into the visage of a young man writing, this man will be dressed plainly he may either be from another century (preferably the 19th century) or from the 50s, representative of some pure archetype of boyhood or something like that, the camera slowly zooms in on him writing sadly a shot of his writing up close, the color may transform to black and white it is revealed that the room he is in is prepared for some ritualistic endeavour more shots of the room's ritualistic outfittings the boy is gleefully interacting with his surroundings, almost like he's gaining knowledge from the decorations of the room, there are a sequence of shots where he is staring at components of the room and continues to write furiously and frantically the camera holds still on his face when he remembers something a cage, from the past he continues to write it's soon night time and he is now writing by candle, the camera is always very still, no movement interspersed with more shots of the writer writing, are shots of vaguely strange memories, et he continues to write late into the night he is finally exhausted, the camera watches him sleep at his desk the camera focuses on the night sky outside, the house is now dark the moon is heavy the writer is staring out into the sky, a still shot of him leaning out the window, preferably from below instead of head on

• (8/30/08) [View | Hide]

  the first of school is over. and i'm on a labor day holiday. it's a good life, i think. all of my classes are either ridiculously easy or ridiculously interesting, so there's no problem on those fronts. i got a check for a massive amount of money, which i am prepared to destroy by the time the semester is over. how fantastic. life is good. the temperatures are finally coming around to being sensible again, after a sweltering sort of summer. i am detached from all types of relationships, which is exactly how i wanted to manouever myself as of late. not too into anything these days. i realized the other day that i don't think that i'm gay or something. or i'm homosexual but i'm not gay. because men operate on a purely sexual level for me. but i havent yet met a guy who could operate on an emotional, mental, or otherwise aesthetically inclined level with myself. so i like dicks (only once in a while at that), but i don't like men that much. i wonder what i am?

• (8/24/08) [View | Hide]

  i just got back from the party, it was fun. i dont regret going out tonight. although i guess i still regret so much more. the party was a good idea though. sometimes i like to see people act insane.

• (8/23/08) [View | Hide]

  ryan is having a birthday party tonight, which i would be at, if only i had some mode of transportation through this rain. it's been raining nonstop all day, and is supposed to rain straight through the first half of the first week of school. i have such a nice outfit on too, it's almost shameful that i wont be able to get drunk and party tonight. i wonder if this rain will let up just for like 20 minutes, and i would run over there immediately. i also need to get to bloch to print out some photos for my school notebooks i need nice things to show all the new kids, namely photos of dahmer victims and other things. hrm. i hate reverb pedals. i dont want to use anymore effects in my music, other than some echo and slapback stuff. nothing else. it sounds like the rain might have given up a little. i will run to bloch to print out photos and if it's still not raining, then i will bike to josh's for the birthday party.

• (8/23/08) [View | Hide]

  the past couple of days i've been obsessively reading about serial killers and mass murderers, i especially like reading about rosemary and fred west, futoshi matsunaga, myra hindley and ian brady, jeffrey dahmer, and john wayne gacy. i mean, the latter two having been a part of my life for as long as i can remember. it feels sort of natural to indulge in reading all about their exploits, infact it brings me back. i want to make a film about murderers. i think i will do that this semester, because i'll have an experimental video class that will allow me to do that. i wish that i had the version of 'the great pretender' that fassbinder used in petra von kant. but all i have is the shitty american version. why did the platters record two versions of this song that were so fucking different? hrm. my roommate just walked through the door, funny. sometimes i mistake common politeness for passive agressive behavior. and passive agressive behavior is the one thing in this world that i hate the most. i wonder how someone would construct a rockabilly song, or something? i think that sometimes people are such creeps. maybe the people i surround myself are creeps too. but what i can say about that? boring people need boring lives i think. i hope this type of invective leaves people with a sense of warning about how to go about leading their lives, i wouldnt want people to make the same mistakes as me and my friends. i'm reading about robert pickton right now, and it's just the most revolting case of serial murder i've ever read. so vile. the entire thing seems like it's shrouded in vile-ness and wickedness. i mean, even jeffrey dahmer operated out of clean apartment buildings and such, and john wayne gacy operated out of just another suburban bungalow. but this man lived on a pig farm, how frightening, a nasty filthy pig farm. with tons of dead prostitutes in giant cans of acid rotting away, how horrible, with dirty pigs all around them all shitting and eating and sleeping. it sounds so disgusting, really sickening. i wonder if i see serial killers as some type of 'other' or something, like an other form of homosexual or something. things that society sees as revolting and inexplicabale. how strange, i think i've always had this fascination with extreme forms of evil, and i think it stems from a perception i had of myself, as being evil, that has been pushed upon me for so long. going to baptist school and lutheran school. i hate how much like horny dogs my friends act around eachother. i suppose it's all i can expect when we all live in a town this small, and everyone else wants to fuck eachother or become entwined in some weirdly psychological/romantical relationship with one another. it's funny, almost all of my friends have slept with eachother at some point, or contemplated dating eachother. it really revolts me. it shames me how much the potential of a romantical relationship drives the ways in which they all interact too, or just the way that everyone interacts with people, i can never understand why people want so badly to justify their existence based on the admiration and love of another person, i want to become my own person before i seek out someone else to help me comprise a life. people can act like such dogs. sometimes i imagine that people assume that they can't grow as a person without interaction with other people on some romantical level, but in actuality any one person, on their own, can lead a brilliant life. i mean, i should know, because that's what i've been doing for the past 22 years. i suppose earlier this summer i could have been accused of that type of alienation, i suppose something like that is derived completely from the alienation of living in a small town, of being lonely, being unable to relate to people or connect with people. but i think i took myself out of that particular seedling of a relationship, because it's not the type of relationship i wanted, one comprised of the only two people of our kind in this god forsaken garbage dump town. a last resort sort of thing. something that i wanted just because i was lonely, and this person was similar in some respect. i suppose if i want to have a relationship with someone, it should because we'd have an irresistible mutual attraction and admiration for eachother, not because we're both desperate for the attention of someone who's vaguely similar in thought and actions. i dont think i want to know anyone whom i don't worship 100% anymore. i'm tired of settling for things. life has constantly made me settle for things. but i dont think i will settle for things anymore. i'll rebuke everything until perfection comes waltzing along. perfection exists. unfortunately, i won't find that type of perfection in this town. it exists, because i think i've experienced it, but not here.

• (8/23/08) [View | Hide]

  how can people so miserable be able to smile?

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  people here can make things so tiresome so quickly.

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  i just got back from doing laundry at home. home is such a depressing place, with all of my mother's dog companions, a hopelessly silent marriage, and another son who will soon be imprisoned of his own accord. sick twisted chemically driven place, and non-sexual in all modes of the notion. i love my mother though, she's brilliant. here i am back at the apartment, noone else is here, which is a relief as i'm thoroughly sickened by everyone else, watching them live is like watching ants glut on failure. i think tonight i'll read old music magazines and drink lots of water, i'm feeling dehydrated.

• an email i sent to a professor last night after becoming depressed about my friends (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  there are some moments wherein i'm so disgusted by people that i dont know how to conduct myself. is it normal to be so full of hatred and contempt for normalized society, for people who lead there lives so anonymously, so awkwardly? i am sad sometimes, and most of it just comes from me being around so many people who are so blind to cultural decay, that they can lead their lives under the impression that what they're living is new and conducieve towards societal transgression, but it's not. i don't know what to do most of the time. what should happen? how can i change things? i hope someday that i can change how people accept other people, and how people learn things or acquire the kind of influences they need in their lives in order to comprise a life that is good, that is "progressive' in every sense of the concept, that can make them happy. but i dont know how to do this. i hope someday that i learn. i dont know i dont know i dont know. last night i went to this party, it was almost all art kids or i guess "artsier" types of kids from school, mixed in with alot of new freshmen and stuff. and i was talking to some girls, who had just moved in, and we were talking about their interests and home towns and stuff, but all of the people i came to the party with were being so rude and standoffish to these girls. questioning them and snickering at them, it was as if these two completely innocent people were thrown into a pool of leftist sharks, who would do anything to take a chunk out of what they percieved to be these two girls culturally stupid lives. and it really made me view almost everyone i was with in this totally different way, that made me so disgusted. i hate people who expect so much change from the world, yet can't even bring themselves to associate with anyone even remotely different, let alone try to talk to some country girls from some nowhere town? i mean, aren't they people too? don't they deserve just as much respect as any hipster boy with tight pants, whom my friends would immediately worship, because he listened to the right bands, read the right books. i suppose that i know alot of liberal-types, who want to change culture or change society and they simply won't allow themselves to do it, just to keep good face amongst eachother. i felt bad for how these girls were treated, just because they looked like sorority girls or something. i think my friends forget that at one point in their lives, they weren't the over-informed pseudo-intellectuals they are now, they were just normal people with banal lives who were searching for a way out. these girls were innocent, and i'm afraid they were treated badly by my friends and it made me genuinely ashamed. i was talking to these girls about religion actually. we had the longest discussion about our beliefs and stuff. i talked about how i was raised catholic and how i love the bible as concept, but i simply am unable to accept it as non-fiction. it was this long rambling conversation about spirituality and the ambiguousness of the god-concept. what we believed, etc. etc. and they were so interested, even though both of them were, what i guess, would appear to be very conservative baptists. they discussed their church and how it operates in their lives morally. and never at any moment attempted to witness to me or cajole me or question me. it was such a great conversation. i had never had such a long great conversation with people who were so different from me. it felt fantastic to understand eachother in a sense. and all my friends could do was laugh at them, and constantly rebuke the things they talked about, constantly question their motives. they wouldn't even let them have a minute edgewise to discuss their lives or what kinds of things they wanted to accomplish or anything. it was so embarassing, it made me hate everyone i was with, that they would undoubtedly go on for the rest of their lives believing that the world was so problematic, that they just don't fit in, when they don't even make an attempt at deconstructing those problems, or understand someone who was different. it was truly revolting behavior. i guess these are problems i had been thinking about for a while. because i mean, i'm not innocent of being a total bitch towards people whom i think are "rednecks" or overly religious or something. but at the same time, i think that i have a pretty good grasp of what it means to be human, and even though i hold certain forms of society in vague contempt, i would never treat anyone less than what they are, a human. and i was just so shocked that these people whom i had respected for so long were acting like a massive pack of animals. it was true ignorance. i love being a crazy elitest intellectual. but i suppose i can go about doing that amongst other elitest intellectuals, you know? i've never felt rewarded by one upping a right wing conservative with philosophical information that's completely irrelevent to them, you know? my friends just have no common sense, and it was depressing. these girls were so happy to be here, so excited, and i felt so bad for them. because they simply didn't percieve the reactions that other people were having towards them as being negative. but i could sense how the conversations and questions being directed towards them were developing, because i've been guilty of that type of manipulation and insult as well. and it made me sad that everyone at this party was drunk and happy and just trying everything they could to ruin the docility of the situation. it was so open with them, i had never had such a long and complicated discussion about politics and religion with people who were so different from me. and we never got into arguments or anything, it was a pure exchange of ideas and concepts. i was talking to one of the girls about being raised catholic, and my ideas about the bible. and it had never once occurred to her that the bible, at one point in history, may have been mistranslated. it was like a pure epiphany to her. i thought that was so great, to pry open new ideas for people and find a common ground where tolerance and growth existed. but i'll be damned if everyone else was as into it as i was. people were vicious! anyway, you're right, it's good to be aware of our own predjudices. also i was shocked because a good friend of mine, whom i consider like the ne plus ultra in intellectualisms keeps using the word 'bitch' in reference to different girls. it's that type of backhanded liberalism that made me so disillusioned at 3 AM last night when i wrote the previous weird entries in here, how could someone who has taken every theory class in existence be so short sighted about their own behavior and still claim to be some sort of hyper post modern successor to every theorist who's existed? or something. how sad, how empty. our intellectualism is one of a thinly veiled banality.

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  problems occur when the websites you masturbate to are called ambiguously "twisted, chem driven" i met a very interesting girl who followed me around last night, danced, discussed art with. at some point she disappeared, and on further exploration of her internet circuiting profile, have come to the conclusion that she most likely disappeared when i started talking about the innate problems i have with interpreting religious texts (especially the bible) as non-fiction. liberal christians can be so misleading, so finnicky.

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  a horrible thing has happened. really, i suppose, it's not that horrible. it's only that i've awoken this morning. at a rather early hour. just from the annoying click clack of my roommates feet. i guess it's ok that i've awoken this early. because next week i'm going to have to wake up this early everyday. it's just a harsh realization to have right now. waking up.

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  i dont feel bad for being so critical of almost everything, because everything deserves to understand the things it needs in order for it to become a better thing. i suppose that's very general, but i don't care.

• (8/22/08) [View | Hide]

  even my best friends generally disgust me to the point wherein i dont know how to handle myself, other than attempting to escape them. i guess some people just dont know how to help themselves, or even understand other people. it's a horrible fact that sometimes the differences between people, that cause the kind of societal strife that almost everyone feels, can never be repaired. there are just some types of belief that are innate, there are simply some types of acceptance that never appear within anyone's attitudes. the world will never change.

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despues

Comment left on: 10/28/08 8:58 AM hi there, thank you for the add ! ivan

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Comment left on: 10/24/08 1:04 AM not trying to make light of your frustrations, but your bulletins make my millenium.

IlFinocchio

Comment left on: 10/23/08 1:30 AM Been masturbating thinking of you while draped in a freshly tanned Britney Spears while listening to Tarkan. It's so soft in here.

IlFinocchio

Comment left on: 10/23/08 1:26 AM iNTERNATIONAL sUPERSTAR

Smoov_E

Comment left on: 10/23/08 1:21 AM 10/21/08 Today I was thinking: I wish I could wear this everyday, I'd be fine with that. I can live with these clothes everyday until I get tired of them.

deadstar

Comment left on: 10/22/08 12:01 PM c"ello

Smoov_E

Comment left on: 10/22/08 1:57 AM Juan is a man, I hope to be with.

Smoov_E

Comment left on: 10/22/08 1:56 AM A million times I willingly was 'drugged' on meth and it was the best times of my life! Thankfully, I was never fisted...or sadly, at this point im not sure. So, more talk on your fisting adventure, what did it teach you? What did you take away from the experience? What did you bring to the experience? What would you do next time to make it better?

Smoov_E

Comment left on: 10/22/08 1:02 AM I am down for whatever, but fisting porn, ugh.. Porn makes me feel dirty if I watch it for to long, basically I just use it for masturbation purposes and then i leave it alone. But now, there is this guy Juan, hes my porn now. Whenever, I'm going at it, I'm thinking of him.

Smoov_E

Comment left on: 10/21/08 6:38 PM So far: Forest Floors(+) Strange Fires(+) and i see Cocorosie. But this is not a proper mixed tape, it's yours not mine, ha ha. I love straight porn, seriously, I know what you mean. I like knowing that the guy really enjoys fucking that girl, eating that girl, fingering that girl, whatever it is, it turns me on...haha....